If You are Present and Unhealthy, You're Exposing Your Kids to Childhood Trauma.

 The saying "children need your presence more than your presents" is true but incomplete. It is not all about presence. It's about how healthy you are as a present parent.  

If you are a present parent. Make sure you are not setting your children up for childhood trauma. You might be a present parent but you are emotionally wounded to a point you are bleeding on your children. You carry a wagon of childhood trauma that you have never addressed and now you are involuntarily passing it to your children. You are present yes, but your presence in your kids life is doing more harm than good. 

So, in what ways would you as a parent be causing trauma in your kids? 

1. If you're constantly fighting with your spouse (their other parent) in the presence of the kids. Your marriage is all about yelling at each other, breaking things, violence, silent treatment. Just know the children are watching. You're damaging them. 

2. If you are a violent parent. You lack patience. Instead of teaching your children acceptable behavior. You prefer beating as a quick fix. Your parenting style is all about beating so that your kids can fear you and do what you want. 

3. you're always yelling at your children. Who told you if you don't shout they won't hear you? How does yelling make the children obedient? Mothers, must you yell every morning at your kids?? 

4. You're struggling with an addiction that is affecting your children's life. You are maybe an alcoholic who can engage in all manner of behavior when drunk. You use obscene words when drunk. Maybe you have a sexual addiction and your children have to see you bring different sexual partners in your home( for single parents). You're confusing the children and wounding them. 

5. If you keep comparing your children with others. Showing your children how they're failing in everything compared with their friends, or cousins or any other person. 

6. If all you do is give orders and you never listen to your children. How will children learn to be assertive if their opinion does not matter. Listen to your children. not because you want them to control you, but as a way of showing them their home is a safe space to talk. 

7. If you're trying to poison them to hate their other parent. Children don't know hate. They're taught. If a parent has wayward ways, let the children form that opinion by themselves. If you keep showing them how their other parent is bad, they will also start questioning your choices. They will lose trust and respect for you. (After all, you have shown them you made a wrong choice in choosing their other parent. Why should they even listen to you considering they see you as a poor judge of character?)

8. If you are parentifying your children. You have abandoned your responsibility as a parent and have made one of your children to be the parent to the rest of the kids (first borns are mostly the victims). You have also made your children to be your "therapists" so you dump all your frustrations on them. Children should not listen to your emotional struggles. That is emotional incest. Talk to other adults or professionals but not burdening your children with your emotional baggage. It is wounding them. 

It's not all about presence. It's being present and healthy. Such that you don't bleed trauma on your innocent children. 

© Joyce Mwai

Author/Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor 

The Earlier Your Child Understands Romantic Love, Relationships, and Marriage, the Better.

Talking about love, relationships and marriage is something that parents might want to know how to approach while dealing with their curious children. Especially the kindergartners.  

Your child might come and tell you they have a boy/girl friend. Or maybe they have a  husband or wife in school. 

Well, their understanding of those terms is totally different from yours. However , you should not let them keep exploring the meaning on their own. You have to be there to teach them about love and relationships. A child who is above 3 years can understand love. Considering you constantly keep telling them you love them. They might also start saying it back. Your child can say , "I love you mummy, I love you daddy". The elephant in the room is however talking about romantic love that leads people to relationships like marriage.

So, how do you teach children about Romantic Love and relationships? 

1. First ask them what they know about boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage. This would give you an idea of how much they might have heard out there or in school. The ideal is that children learn about relationships from parents and not peers. So be proactive.

2. Explain to them what it means to love someone. Tell them when you love someone you deeply care about them, you take care of them and you're committed to keeping them safe. Let them know that loving someone is caring for them as much as you care for yourself. It also means that you are willing to sacrifice for them. 

3. Tell them the real meaning of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Children use these terms without understanding the meaning. Explain to them when they grow older they might like someone of the opposite sex. They would deeply care about the person and want to spend time with them. If the person is willing to be their friend, they become boyfriend and girlfriend. 

4. Explain to them what marriage is and how it happens. They already know what love is, they already know what a girlfriend and boyfriend is. Now introduce marriage. Tell them marriage happens between two adults. Adults who start by feeling they deeply care about each other. They ask them out and they become boyfriend and girlfriend. Then that relationship might grow and they feel they cannot live without each other. They become fiancees. Then they decide to live together (marriage). The title changes to husband/wife. It is here that you can tell them that marriage can bring forth children. 

5. Use yourself as an example. Tell your child where you met your spouse (college, work, in a Matatu, in church, social media, dating apps and so on). Show them your wedding photos or video. Show them your photos when you were dating your spouse. That way , they will learn better about relationships and marriage. They will also know they happen between adults and not children. So they won't allow anyone to call them husband/wife. (This is also applicable to single parents. Talk about how you met their other parent, how much you loved each other until you had a baby. But explain to them sometimes adults can fall out of love. This is where you tell them you're single and you might find a boyfriend/girlfriend. This would lay a better ground for them if you ever fall in love again and get married again)

Remember , all this information you give based on age. How you explain to a 4 Year old is different from explaining to a 7 year old. However, they all deserve the right information. 

Never dismiss, freak out or get angry if your child comes to you that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is actually the perfect starting point to educate them about relationships and marriage. 

All the best parents 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenagers Mentor/ Parenting Coach

Children don't Know Hate. They're Taught

 Did you know that HATE and resentment do not come naturally in children? Hate has to be taught. A child has to be taught how to hate a particular person, group of people or even a place. 

Have you ever observed the behavior of infants? They smile at everybody. They become toddlers and you will see a toddler playing with the passenger next to them in a Matatu. You will see a toddler smiling to people in church. Or even laughing with the cashier at the supermarket. Smiling to strangers in the streets. What does that tell you?  love is the emotion that Comes naturally to children. 

Even when someone wrongs a child, they develop fear towards them. Not hate. They fear people who hurt them. Because fear as a defense mechanism to danger comes naturally. 

So, how then do we find that children have started hating people? You will see a child with deep resentment of a neighbor's child. Someone must have taught them to hate that family. 

Think about those cousins you don't talk to. Cousins whom you never interacted with growing up as you were told never to talk to that family by your parents. You have no idea why your parents don't get along with their siblings. So you were taught to hate them and bought the enmity. You resented them. For no reason. 

Now, when lovers break up and they have children. The one with the children decides one of their parenting responsibility is to teach their children how to hate their other parent. 

You describe your ex lover with the most unconventional words, you call him/her a deadbeat, a dog, you say he was knocked by a lorry, dead. And you say all these to your child. You want to teach them how to hate. 

Just because you're giving them food and paying their school fees alone. Like who else should be doing it?? Did the child ask you to give birth to them? Did the child ask you to fall in love with the wrong person? Now after you realize your mistake, You're alone with the children, you want to teach them how to hate the absent parent. A person they have never seen. And if they had been raised by the parent for some years before you broke up, they loved that parent. Then one day because the parent left and abandoned their responsibility you try to teach them how to hate him/her. 

That's not your responsibility. Let children figure it out by themselves. How hard is it to tell your children you have no idea where their mom/dad is but he might show up for them one day? And even if he never shows up for them, they should be assured of your 100 percent love and care. You will have reduced feelings of rejection and at the same time you have not taught them how to hate. Hate is a vice. It's better to teach them hope rather than hate. 

As you tell your kids never to talk to their other parent. Never to look for him/her. Know that you're teaching them hate. You're the one who was in love and broke up, not the children. Why do you want them to buy your enemy? And by the way, how do you keep a person you cuddled naked and exchanged fluids as an enemy?? You really need to invest in healing or even professional help to move on. Because some level of resentment can take you to an early grave. 

In countries where there's racism , racist parents teach their children to hate people based on their skin color. But if the child is not taught how to hate, they won't even see color. They will just see a friend whose complexion is different. 

Think deeply when you're teaching your children how to hate their other parent. Just because he/she does not provide. Think when you're teaching children how to hate some relatives. Just because you fought for family land. Think deeply as you teach your children how to hate a particular tribe. Just because of political affiliations. 

If someone hurt you and abandoned their responsibility, heal and move on. Provide with a cheerful spirit. And don't recruit children to hate the person. 

Think deeply parents. 

Children don't know how to hate. They're taught. 

© JOYCE MWAI

Writer/Teenagers Mentor/Parenting Coach

How we are Incubating Decadence with Vulgar music

 

"Niko na pesa na ni ya babako. Kaskie vibaya uko kwenu" ..... "Sisi ni walevi, tunapenda kulewa".

 These are the kind of jams that rule the public transport industry when students are traveling to or from school. Some Matatus have even upgraded they have screens that showcase those jams. The students are entertained by some nyash endowed ladies who vixen those jams naked. 

During this short school holiday, I have been forced to listen to these jams as teens were around and they would blast their houses when parents leave. That's how I have been able to know about these vulgar jams that are very appealing to our teens. 

I somehow decided to really internalize the messages of these vulgar popular jams. I have realized there's nothing like talent in them. 

Just a person with audacity to be vulgar getting to a studio. Then a multimedia university graduate adds some beats and Voila , we call someone an artist. The vulgar fellow masquerading as an artist gains more popularity when they use the best cameras that show the shiny nyash of the vixens. Slimy nyash that looks like they can slide a blind fly trying to pass by. 

As a literature scholar. There's a lot that makes up works of art. Which i really don't find in some of these jams we have glorified as a society. 

I have also realized that the vulgar jams kill any slight opportunity for real talent to trend. A talented musician with a heavenly voice will release a song. We won't even like leave alone subscribing to their channel. 

Wait until a vulgar jam is out. 2 million views in 24 hours. 

I have watched America got talent and Britain got talent and have witnessed real talent. Artists with great voices that move the audience to tears. Without using some ear blasting beats. Just voice and well composed music genres. 

No wonder so many African talented youngsters wish to find their Way to the likes of America's got talent. Their talent can be appreciated there. But not here. Here, we glorify unconventional and vulgar language. 

Then entertain our teens with these vulgar jams that teach them very unconventional lessons. When we glorify a song that glorifies promiscuity, what are we telling these teens?? 

That all girls need to do is to pass through school not to care about education because someone's father will sponsor their lifestyle. That our boys should grow up to be wababas. That girls should only Focus on growing nyash because it will make them trend. 

I have nothing against these content creators who create vulgar music. It's a capitalist economy. They have studied the market and have realized vulgar music will give them views. Then they will earn. Big brands will hire them to market their products. What would make such a creator not to keep creating vulgar music?? It's paying. Because us the target audience will consume immediately. 

It's a business and everyone is free to make money the best way they know how. It's a Free market economy. We own the means of production. And learning the market trends is what makes a business person successful. 

My concern is about children as usual. Five year olds have the audacity to tell parents sipangwingwi because a jam has taught them that. you will see a five year old coming from a schools fun day and the music that was being played in that school was "sisi ni walevi" seriously? Even pre schools?? 

So as parents, there's a saying that goes , by beholding you become changed. Your child is sorounded by these vulgar productions. In the apartments, public transport, school fun days. Even in supermarkets , amusement parks. Literally everywhere. Don't you think these jams will change your child?? 

How are we guiding children who have already memorized they are "walevi" . How do you teach them about drug abuse?? How do you teach them about relationships when they have memorized "wako sawa na wababa mtu akaskie vibaya nahuko" 

Parents are you really taking time to discuss with your kids about these vulgar productions?? Because they will continue being produced. There's nothing we can do as a society. The artists are paying tax with these productions. So the parent has all the responsibility to guide their children. 

Before you get excited as a parent that your kid can dance to a popular jam, think about the message they have internalized. Then guide them accordingly. 

Otherwise , our children and teens will continue surprising us. 

Think about it parents. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenagers Mentor/ Parenting Coach

If you expose your Child to Adverse Childhood Experiences, You're Messing up their Adulthood

 

When I used to teach (years ago),  there's this poem I loved to teach with during poetry lessons. "Crack the Glass" by El-Miskery. 

Students could easily figure out the message of the poem. The poem talks about how the human heart is as delicate as glass, once it is broken, the crack will always remain. 

The poet goes ahead to say that although the heart can be fixed ( a person forgiving you or getting past the hurt) , it is too hard to make a person you broke their heart forget the hurt. If the wound is touched, the person will start bleeding again. This means that the person you hurt will only need a slight trigger to get back to being hurt. 

I however want to deviate and use this poem to describe our children's emotional and mental development. (In literature we say there is no right or wrong analysis of a work of art. One just needs to illustrate their interpretation with evidence from the text )

Just as the way glass is delicate, the same way our children are delicate. What we put in their heart is what remains for the rest of their development up to adulthood. 

This means that we have to protect the delicate nature of our children by not wounding them. 

We can protect our children from developing permanent wounds by protecting them from abuse . Are you beating, yelling, comparing, neglecting provision of basic needs , neglecting to offer emotional availability to your child?? You're wounding your child. The wound will remain. 

Are you letting your child observe you engaging in domestic violence. Do your children have to rescue you as a mother Everytime your husband is beating you? You're wounding the child. And the wound will remain. 

Are you allowing your child to be the parent. Neglecting your duty and making your child handle all your emotions? You're wounding your child. And the wound will always remain. 

Exposing children to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) is wounding thém. Wounds that they will have to take to adulthood. 

Once they're adults, they will just need to bé triggered, and Their wound will start bleeding. Even on people who never wounded them. 

You see a man angry with his wife, because he was wounded in childhood, he is triggered and beats the hell out of the wife. 

A mother gets angry with her children. because she was wounded in childhood by the parents, she yells and beats the hell out of her children. She is triggered so she starts bleeding on her children. 

Most of the adults we have today are wounded. They just need a trigger to start bleeding. Why?? Because of a messed up childhood. 

As the poem says , although the heart can be fixed, triggers will always overpower a person. 

An adult has to put in alot of work to mend the wounds inflicted in childhood. It is alot of intentional inner work. To heal all the childhood traumas. 

To prevent our children from having to heal wounds in future, how about we don't inflict wounds on them now. Because they will definitely take the wounds to adulthood. 

Children are delicate, as the human heart, as the Glass. If you wound them, you're messing up their adult hood. 

Parents , how about we don't crack the Glass? 

How about we don't crack the delicate and innocent nature of our children?

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

Fear & Good behavior (Demystifying the difference)

When I was in highschool, there was a teacher that I could not dare get late to school when he was on duty ( I was always on time but those who were in day schools know that some circumstances can make you late Once in a while). 

When you were  late, the teacher would close the gate and make you go back home. Imagine going back home and the following day you have to explain why you were absent to the other teachers. So this teacher would make people to almost break their legs rushing to school so as not to be sent back home. Even the habitual late comers would be on time.

 However, when it was other teachers' duties, you would see a group of students late for they could handle the punishments given (sweeping, cleaning). 

When I reflect on it now, I realize that we students feared the teacher as well as the punishment he would give. However, he was not able to change the students behavior of coming to school late permanently. They would only obey the rules temporarily for the fear of punishment. When he is not in charge, they would go back to their habitual lateness .

His type of punishment only instilled fear and not behavior change. If there was behavior change, there would be no late comers all the other weeks when that Teacher was not on duty. 

Many are the times when parents focus on making children fear them or fear punishments. So you hear a parent bragging, "My child can't dare do this because he knows what I will do to him" 

You will hear a father bragging that his children are well behaved when he is around. But when he is away, and the mother is around, they still misbehave. What does this tell you? They fear the father but they are not in any way well behaved. 

You will see a mother threatening a child to do something or report them to the father. The child does since his father beats him military style. So all the child does is to fear the father but not to learn good behavior. 

Using harsh punishment to instill fear in a child does not help a child learn good behavior. Children learn acceptable behavior through instruction but not through punishment. 

Punishment should only be used after a series of instructions but not a way of instilling fear. Punishment should be given after a child understands why a particular behavior is wrong but still chooses to engage in the bad behavior over and over again. 

Learning through fear is the worst method of teaching good behavior and values to children. Fear will override the opportunity to understand why something is considered right or wrong.

When a child fears you or your punishment, they will only do what you want when you are around. When you're not there, they will engage in the same bad behavior you punish them for. 

So, are your children well behaved or they just fear you??

If they fear you, you should be worried. 

To change bad behavior in children or teens, 

EXPLAIN the bad behavior ➡️ provide an ALTERNATIVE GOOD BEHAVIOR to replace the bad behavior ➡️ PUNISH bad behavior when repeated / REWARD good behavior. Eventually, the child will learn the good behavior not because they fear punishment but because they know it's the right thing to do (plus there is a reward for it)

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage mentor 

TEACHING TEENS ABSTINENCE

When I was growing up, all the teachers would tell us was that "boys are stinging nettle"😂 If you let them touch you as a girl, they will sting you😂 Those who grew in the 80s and 90s know that parents were not talking about sex with their children. It would be seen as shameful or a taboo. This meant that no one would closely guide teenagers on controlling their sexual desires. 

Growing up, I have not seen men being stinging nettle as those teachers would warn us. Infact, the organ that made them tell us that is one of the organs that make women's butt lips clap in excitement. Anyway, that kind of sexual education was vague as it portrayed a gender in a bad light instead of teaching us that teenage sex is not advisable. 

Sex should not be portrayed to teenagers as a bad act, shameful or a taboo. It should be introduced as the beautiful act as it is. However, the teenagers need to know it is only beautiful when it is done at the right age with the right person. So sex education for teenagers should be about abstinence and self control. 

So, how do you teach teenagers abstinence?? 

♦️Teach them how to say NO without feeling guilty. Tell them they don't have to do what their peers tell them to. It is okay to turn down a peer who wants them engage in irresponsible sex and they should not be sorry about it. 

♦️ Teach them how to direct their minds elsewhere. When they feel that urge for sex, they should engage on other activities like sports, hobbies, excercise, reading, puzzles (mostly teenagers contemplate sex when idle)

♦️Teach them how to choose friends. Let them Learn how to keep off peers who are encouraging them to have irresponsible sex. Most teenagers engage in sex due to peer pressure.

♦️Make sure they avoid improper entertainment. Let teenagers keep off watching films where sex is portrayed as okay for teenagers. There's alot of sexual content in media. Mind what films your teenagers watch. 

♦️Let them know sex in early teenage years would lead to regrets when they're older. Research studies show that most teenagers who engaged in irresponsible sex while 15 or 16 regret by the time they're in their late 20s or 30 when they understand themselves better. 

♦️ Let them be aware of the consequences of Teenage sex... Pregnancies, STIs, negative outcomes in academics. 

Let's raise a more aware generation. There's no shame in talking about Sex. 

Parents, what challenges are you facing talking about Sex with your teenagers?? 

@ Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Parenting Coach

SEX EDUCATION FOR TEENS

As children transition from childhood to adulthood, they have to go through the adolescent stage. It is at this stage that we see physical changes in them. Did you know as they develop physically they also develop sexually at this stage? Sexual hormones naturally start to be produced which control their sexual arousal and desires. 

Boys start producing testosterone while girls have estrogen that control sexual arousal and desires. It is here that the teens start developing sexual feelings towards peers of the opposite sex. They start getting aroused. 

You see the way you're aroused as an adult and desire sex with a person, for teenagers, it is worse as they are in puberty. These children can get super aroused and might not know how to handle that stage. It is here that talking about sex by the parent with their teenager becomes necessary. 

It might feel weird and uncomfortable to talk about sex with your 12 or 13 year old, But you have to do it. So, how can you talk about sex with your teenager as a parent? 

1. Take every chance possible to talk about sex. For instance, if you see a TV commercial about sex, take that opportunity and talk about it. 

2. Let the teen lead the conversation. Ask them what they already know about sex. They might have heard alot which some might be misconceptions. Take this Chance to clear any misinformation and offer them the truth.

3. Get comfortable with the topic. Assure them that there is no need to get embarrassed when talking about sex. Assure them that you  Will always be there to answer their questions. 

4. Be honest when you do not know an answer to a question about sex. You can tell them you can look up for answers together. (However, it is important you gather all your facts First)

5. Make the topic to be about values. You're giving them information so as they can uphold the right values around sex like self control, abstinence, respect.... If you don't give them the right values. They will get information from other sources like internet pornography. 

6. Do not give lectures. Explain every questions they have. Let it be interactive. 

7. Introduce sex as a healthy and beautiful part of human beings. If you paint sex as an evil thing or bad to them, they will definitely experiment as they will get curious. Introduce sex as a beautiful act that should be enjoyed but not by children. After all, they're products of sex. 

So parents to teenagers. Have you started the sex talk? How are you doing it? What challenges are you facing?? 

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

IMPORTANCE OF PLAY FOR CHILDREN

 

For some parents, holidays are beneficial as their children get to help them in house chores. For others, it's a rollercoaster as all their young children can do is play and eat all day. For other parents, they feel that their children need to be buried in books to keep their academic performance at its best. 

So I have seen parents hire tutors for their children who are as young as 5 and 6 years during holidays for almost half day. This means that the child is on a strict schedule like in school even during holidays. Do you know what is the purpose of holidays? For children's Brain to have a break from extensive academic engagement. What is a class 2 child doing with books for a whole morning for the rest of a holiday? Children should be allowed to play during holidays. It does not mean they should not have some moments with school books, but play is as important for the child as the academic performance you want for your child. 

So what kind of play should children have during holidays? It is freely chosen unstructured play. 

What is freely chosen unstructured play?

 It is a child playing without guidance of an adult but out of their own imagination, instincts and interests. 

WHY FREELY CHOSEN PLAY IS IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN DEVELOPMENT?

1. Improves the physical health. When children are playing while running, jumping, skipping ropes, riding, they develop balance, stamina, coordination and physical fitness. 

2. Children learn social skills through play. Play allows children to interact with their neighbors whom they play together and learn to coexist. They learn how to express themselves, how to express feelings, how to work out emotions and how to handle defeat and failure.

3. Children learn problem solving skills. When a child chooses a challenging play, they use their cognition extensively to solve the challenge. 

4. Improves creativity and innovation. Children can only be creative when they choose their games and how to play them. 

5. Play reduces stress and boredom. When a child is only allowed to stay in the house for a whole day for the rest of their school holiday, they get bored and stressed. Children need a change of environment and some freedom to explore to reduce chances of stress that might lead to anxiety. 

6. They learn how to make meaningful relationships. Children playing with others freely can create lasting relationships with those they have the same interests with. 

7. Play prevents screen and social media addiction. When you lock your child in the house the whole day since you don't want them to play outside, you're exposing them to screen addiction. They will watch those cartoons the whole day and get addicted. Screen time has a whole lot of negative outcomes for children development. It should be avoided for whatever reason. 

So, for paranoid parents who say their children can't play with others in the neighborhood, you're just raising isolated zombies. 

Parents who buy all toys in the market so that your child plays in your  house the whole day, you're just denying that child freely unstructured play. 

Parents whose children are in front of a screen watching cocomelon and cartoons the whole day, you're denying them a very important part of growth. 

Parents hiring tutors for young children during the holidays for like half a day. That's academic torture. You will make the children hate school for nothing. Those advanced in age like the candidates can have the tutoring as they have limited time. 

Let children play. It will come a time they will be teenagers and they will not even be willing to get out of their bedroom. So for young children, let them structure their own play freely. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Author/ Teenagers Mentor

IMPACTS OF GROWING UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

When you see an adult with issues, It all stems from childhood. The abuse and neglect you experienced in childhood caused you trauma that you need to deal with. So which are the effects of growing up in a Dysfunctional family that show up in adulthood?? 

1. Trust issues. You grew up without trusting your parents as they Raised you in abuse and neglect. Always fighting with your siblings during family gatherings. So you find it hard to trust other people as the only people who would have cared for you were never trustworthy. 

2. Low self-esteem. Unhealthy families thrive in putting one another down. You grew up with a toxic parent who always told you how ugly you are ..how useless you are... A parent who kept comparing you with other children. You developed feelings of being unworthy and unimportant. 

3. Pathological lying. Have you ever met people who lie without even blinking?? Lying is a defense mechanism which children develop to cover up their actions to escape their parents punishment. Children Raised by extremely dictatorial and violent parents learn how to lie to escape being beaten. Other parents ask their children to lie about something against the other parent or another child. The child learns how to lie and it goes with them to adulthood. 

4. Inability to express emotions or feelings. Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents makes a child to learn how to bury emotions. If you grew up with a parent who beat you for crying or told you that "men don't cry" and never comforted you while you were sad. You will be an adult who has difficulty expressing emotions as you bottle them up. 

5. Increased risk of anxiety and depression. An adult who grew up in Dysfunctionality has a higher risk of depression compared to one raised in a healthy home. Failing to express emotions can lead to depression. Trust issues and fear of abandonment might increase your chances of always being anxious. 

6. Increased risk of drugs and alcohol abuse. Drug addiction stems from childhood. Drugs help people numb the feelings and trauma caused in childhood. Inability to face some situations leads a person to drug abuse. 

7. Aggressive behavior and violence . If you grew up with extremely violent parents who used to fight each other every night. Who beat you every day to a point of almost, dying you're more likely to be aggressive towards other people. You're socialized to using physical violence to solve every person who wrongs you. 

8. Inability to set boundaries. Boundaries are alien in Dysfunctional homes. The same way you will find it hard to keep your boundaries. 

9. People pleasing. If you grew up in a home where parents always put you down. The only way you survived was pleasing them so that they love you, you will find yourself pleasing people looking for their approval. 

10. Difficulty maintaining healthy romantic relationships. In psychology we say, you attract what is familiar. So you keep attracting people who are toxic like your parents. You see a healthy partner as a threat since you have never been loved right growing up. You attract chaos as that is what is familiar with you. 

11. High possibility of having your own Dysfunctional family. Picture this, you grow up with violent parents, you attract a violent spouse... You raise children watching you beat each other in marriage. The children will learn that Dysfunctionality . 

Dysfunctionality runs from one generation to the next, until one person in that lineage identifies it and makes a conscious decision to break the cycle. If you grew up in unhealthy family patterns..  make a decision to detach and work towards becoming a healthy individual For you and your future generations.

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Parenting Coach 

How to detach from a Dysfunctional family

 

If you realize you grew up in a Dysfunctional family, the only way out is to detach from the Dysfunctionality. How do you get out of this Dysfunctionality? 

1. Understand that breaking the cycle of Dysfunctionality is a personal Journey. Now that you understand what Dysfunctional and toxic family is, don't go asking everyone in your family that they're in a toxic home. Don't start telling your siblings your parents are toxic. It's a personal Journey you're taking. 

2. Get used to the idea of disappointing people. If your toxic family was used to demanding things or money from you even when you're struggling, Normalize saying NO and don't feel guilty about it. 

3. Allow people to make their own decisions. If you were behaving like the family's deputy parent, let your siblings make their decisions. Whether good or bad. Don't tell people what they should do. Stop obsessing about other people's problems. Focus on what is within your control. 

4. Set emotional boundaries. Stop reacting and start responding. If your family member says something to get into your nerves. Refrain from reacting and respond when you're calm. When you start with calmness, you can decide what requires your response and what does not.

5. Distance yourself from the toxic environment. You can't end the cycle of Dysfunctionality while you're still crossing paths with the toxic people all the time. The codependent relationships created in toxic families go deep like drug addiction. So to succeed in detaching, you have to avoid your triggers. (Your triggers are the toxic parents or siblings) 

6. Establish a new support system. Family ain't blood. Invest in friendships who will make up your healthy family support system. Remember " Friends are the family that we choose"

7. Keep learning about Dysfunctionality in families. Keep educating yourself about Dysfunctional families and how to cope with them. Read books, articles, follow pages that focus on the issue and keep learning. 

8. Let others know how to treat you. Let people know your boundaries. If you set your boundaries, others will know how to treat you. 

9. Prioritize Self care. Normalize making yourself a priority. Stop feeling guilty when you do something nice for yourself because your toxic mother/father/siblings will complain. Identity what you need and give it to yourself. 

10. Seek professional intervention. Normalize investing in therapy. Sometimes Dysfunctionality is deep rooted and you can't get out of it on your own. Just like drug addiction, you might find yourself relapsing and getting back to the toxicity. Therapists will help you detach. 

Detaching from Dysfunctionality does not mean hate. It means you understand there's an unhealthy pattern you were raised in and you wish to break that cycle. When you detach, you become a healthy adult who will raise emotionally healthy children. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Trainer

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional family

To end Dysfunctional family patterns and raise your children to be a healthy generation, you need to first identify whether you're a product of a dysfunctional family. So what are the characteristics of a dysfunctional family? 

1. Ineffective communication and triangulation.

 Communication is a problem in a dysfunctional family. You'll find there are some members who don't talk to each other at all. Others yell alot as they cannot listen to one another. In other families, parents communicate in triangulation ( A parent communicates to the other parent through the children). You'll see a mother saying " Go tell your father there is no money for food or we sleep hungry" 

2. There are power struggles. 

A dysfunctional family has that one sibling that wants to control the whole family. Especially if the sibling is well financially. Those who feel controlled may react by withdrawing from the family while others might become violent towards the controlling sibling. The parents cannot balance power as they are enjoying the goodies that the controlling child provides. Where there are power struggles, Hatred rules. 

3. Comparisons. 

This is mostly done by the parents who compare their children. A parent keeps on telling a child, "why can't you be more like your brother?" It's an unhealthy pattern. 

4. Excessive criticism

Siblings thrive in criticizing one another. Parents also criticize those children who are not well financially. (You will bring a new date to your family members and they will criticize you for dating an ugly person, very old, poor, short, tall) and all such kind of negative criticism. 

5. Members badmouth and gossip among themselves. 

You will see sibling A and B while they're together, they are badmouthing sibling C. Then when they are not together, B will tell C how A was talking ill about C and a conflict erupts. 

6. Unpredictable patterns. 

This is for example where children grow up not knowing when their father will come home and throw their mother out. Children don't know when their mother might leave next. You're scared of going home because you're not sure whether you will find your mother has wounded your father again.....  Children grow up in trauma caused by uncertainties. 

7. Parental alienation. 

Dysfunctional families have parents who alienate children from one of their parents. A mother will try so hard to turn her children against the father and vice versa. A mother will move out of her home, leave the husband and force one of her child in the city to take her in. Then abandon the Mzee back in the village. The family ends up with Team Dad and Team Mum. 

8. There's always an intervention for a particular child. 

You will find families who keep making one child the blacksheep. They're always holding meetings to intervene on when they should get married, who should host them as family members believe he can't do it on his own. If he should go to rehab.....etc. they never let this "blacksheep" be or exist in their own skin. They feel they're better than him/her. 

9. Family gatherings end up in fights. 

Do you end up fighting with a sibling Everytime you meet during gatherings? Are your family gatherings characterized by cases about who said this or the other? You're in a dysfunctional family. 

10. There is parentification. 

Dysfunctional families have firstborns being made deputy parents. Parents will educate the First born then force them to take care of the rest of the siblings. One child will be made to pay school fees for all the other children. One child will be made to host their younger siblings to feed and pay their school fees. Parentified children end up drained financially and emotionally as they cannot take care of themselves as they have been made deputy parents. 

Do you come from a family that has any or all of These characteristics?? You're in a Dysfunctional family. It's time you start considering ending the dysfunctionality and raise a healthy generation. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach 

Ladies, This is why you should never sleep with your Boss.

 

Young ladies, Even if it is an emergency, NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR BOSS. 

You might be excited with that internship position you just secured. You're excited that you have landed your first job after college. Don't let your excitement make you think that you should sleep with that your boss or immediate supervisor that seems like he likes you. 

This is the worst decision that you can make about your life. Actually, it is the start of your career path retardation instead of growth. 

Why shouldn't you even think of sleeping with your boss? Let me tell you, your co workers will definitely know. All y'all at the workplace are hired for your expertise. Don't think that the bunch of intellects at the workplace won't know you're banging the boss. Actually, your co workers will tell even when you are not getting along with that boss you have been sleeping with! How awkward??

We know he has promised you a promotion. He has also promised you a salary increase. But do you know you're just delusional?? Your boss sees you as dumb. You already agreed to sleep with him despite the many other females at the workplace declining his advances. So you have already lost your credibility at the workplace and you're not the person that will come to mind when a promotion is on the table. That boss you're exchanging fluids with will go and promote that lady who has for a long time been declining his advances. He can see work ethics in that lady who turned him down and not you! 

Sleeping with your boss or superior at work will just end in premium tears. I have seen girls in their early 20s crying their life has been ruined by their boss. You will make a mistake or something illegal at the workplace happens and your boss will not even defend you. He will not hesitate to take you to court and testify against you. He will even make sure you are jailed especially if you try to threaten him that you will expose him. 

By the Way, what makes you think that you can expose your boss to have been sleeping with you and think he will let you go through with it. He will see to it your life is destroyed. He will lie and his power and money will protect him. He will shame you and even claim that you tried to seduce him. 

Again, even if you don't make any mistake at the workplace, wait until he is tired with you. Wait until a new intern comes to the workplace! You will face the worst disgrace of your life. Until you will even opt to quit that job!! 

You can sleep with all the people you want, but kindly keep off someone who has power over you. Someone who holds your salary. Someone who determines whether to fire you or not. Someone who can wake up one day and render you jobless. 

Just keep off! Not in a country where most employees are ignorant of corporate law. Not in a country where employers will get away with sexual harassment. (In western countries, most of the time the law does not care whether the sex was consensual. They only consider that the boss used his power to ask for sexual favors). 

Young girls getting employed in small businesses like boutiques and Mpesa. Stop sleeping with your boss. How can he pay you Ten thousand and still get a taste of your cookie??? You should be thinking of how to manage that 10 thousand you're being paid in this hard economy but not meeting him in hotel rooms after work. Wait until his wife comes and fires you!!! Who will pay that your bedsitter rent?

Young girls getting in the employment world, keep off sleeping with your bosses!! Infact, don't even reply to messages like "You look hot today". Don't say Thank you!! Blue tick him!! He has no Business with your hotness, his business is to pay you! 

Parents tell your girls graduating college to keep off their bosses. I have seen girls in early 20s cry. All in the name of sleeping with their bosses. It will end in tears!! Massive tears! 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage Mentor/ Trainer

How to teach kids time management

Let's go! 

Hurry up! 

What's taking you so long?,  

Do you know what time it is?

Do these phrases sound familiar to you? Do you find yourself as a parent sometimes wondering whether you're raising kids who have no concept of time?? Sometimes you find yourself yelling almost every morning before school. 

Well, you can help your kids normalize managing their time. How do you help kids acquire time management skills?? 

1. Educate them on the importance of managing time. 

Right from a young age, let your kids know that time never stops. If they fail to do something they needed to do at a particular time, they will never recover that time. When they understand the need of being time conscious, they will be intrinsically motivated to do everything on time. 

2. Establish a routine and let them take part it making it. 

Schools run smoothly with hundreds of students and few teachers since there is a routine. Why then should it be hard to establish a routine with your 1 or 2 kids?? The child's brain responds well to routine. Involve them in making a schedule on time for homework, sleeping, waking up, preparing and going to school. This allows them to feel in control but still under your terms as a parent. 

3. Schedule free time and do not overtask their every minute. 

We all value free time. Children need it too. If they have free time, they will not find it hard to adhere to time that they have to do serious tasks like preparing for school. 

4. Do not nag, bribe, or Force when they're not being time conscious. 

Nagging makes a child defiant. If you bribe your child to do homework on time, you're reducing intrinsic motivation. Don't give rewards when your child finishes homework on time! It is their responsibility to do homework! The motivation should come from within the child! If they're not motivated to do homework, you can educate them on the importance of doing their homework. Again, if you force the child, they will think it's your responsibility to make them do it. However, it should always be Their responsibility. 

5. Allow your child to face natural consequences. 

Most of the times parents wonder what if the child fails to do homework, what should they do?? If you have already educated them on the importance of homework, allocated time for homework, and yet they don't do it, allow them face natural consequences. 

Let them go to school and explain to Their teacher why they didn't do the homework. Tell them failure to do homework might result to not retaining the information and they will not perform well in their exam. It's better they fail in an exam while in grade 3, than when they're in college. 

6. Do not panic on their behalf. 

If your child fails to do homework, don't panic. Let the child panic for their failure. Don't panic that they will miss the school bus (especially children above 7 years) 

Ask yourself, when you're late for work and you find your boss, is it the boss that panics or it's you?? Let children learn responsibility early. This will reduce these kinds of generation Z who don't care about their mistakes at work (They will come late, unkempt, drunk with zero chills.) Why? Someone was panicking on their behalf when they were young. It was the parent who was always worried that the child will be late for school or will be punished for not doing homework. 

Let children own up their responsibility. Let them have control over time management. But under your terms. It will reduce you having to push them around. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage mentor 

Understanding the mother Wound

 

Àre you a fixer, rescuer or an enabler? You have a MOTHER WOUND. 

We have seen people who constantly complain that their family is draining them financially. You will see a person who earns good money But all the money goes to paying school fees for their siblings, giving parents money even when they're not in need, taking their drunkard siblings to rehab, bailing a relative out of jail... This person does all this while they're struggling to meet their own needs. They would rather take loans or sleep hungry but would not let a relative be responsible for their lives. These people feel obligated to care and nurture others. Do you know This is a mother wound?? 

How do people develop mother wounds?

✔️ Raised by an abusive/toxic mother

✔️Raised by an emotionally unhealthy mother ( a mother who was always looking for emotional help from the kids. Maybe she had an unstable relationship with the husband)

✔️ The child was forcefully alienated from the mother ( we have seen men who deny kids an opportunity to be with their mother after separation or divorce). 

✔️ The mother abandoned the child. ( We have seen women who literally abandon their kids and never look back)

✔️ The mother passed on and there was no mother figure to take the place of the dead mother.

✔️Raised in a group home where caregivers have too many children under their care. 

How does the MOTHER WOUND manifest in adulthood? 

1. Inability to set boundaries. You cannot say No without feeling guilty. You always let people abuse your space as you feel obligated to help them.

2. Codependency in relationships. This is relationship addiction. You feel you cannot detach from a relationship Even when it's unhealthy for you. You persevere abusive relationship because you Never want to feel abandoned. 

3. Insecurity with physical appearance and low self-esteem. When you were not loved as a child, it is normal to question your looks. You unconsciously feel you're not good enough that's why your mother Never loved you. 

4. Your romantic relationships never flourish. You grow up feeling you don't deserve love since your primary caregiver never cared for you. You have accepted you're unlovable so you question the motives of anyone who tries to love you. If you're a man, you find it hard to trust women because your mother abandoned you.

5. You Care too much about giving your best. You become a rescuer, a fixer and an enabler. You feel you need to fix all the problems in the world. You're trying to compensate for the love you never received from your mother and you believe there is something you can do to get Loved. 

6. Inability to regulate your emotions in healthy ways. We all have days we feel low. A person with a mother wound might numb Their pain through addictions, unhealthy sexual behaviors, aggression, self harming, suicidal ideations. No mother introduced them to healthy ways of dealing with emotions. 

7. Fear of abandonment. This manifests by being codependent. You can't feel complete while alone... You depend on other people to make you feel complete.

8. Fear of displeasing your mother. You're an adult but you cannot make a decision without running it through your mother to avoid making her angry. You feel guilty when your mother does not approve of something. 

9. Self criticism and lack of self trust.  If you Grew up with a mother who constantly criticized you, compared you, verbally and physically abused you, always put you down showing you you're not good enough, you grow up Never to trust yourself. You critize yourself and self sabotage all your decisions. 

10. You have a Rocky relationship with your mother. You feel intense hatred towards your mother. You blame her for all the suffering you went through as a child. You cannot stand to be in the same place with your mother. You feel you can never forgive her. You're suffering from a mother wound. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Trainer & Speaker

The role of a mother in child development

Motherhood does not come with a manual. Yet alot is expected of mothers by the society. 

Once a woman becomes a mother, what is expected of her for healthy child development? What role does the mother play? 

♦️She is the caregiver. A mother is the first caregiver a child has right from pregnancy to First few months after birth. This role continues as the child develops even if other caregivers are introduced. 

♦️The health care provider. Before a mom takes a child to hospital, they have tried multiple home remedies. Children always run to their mother when hurt because they know she will play her magic and they will feel better

♦️The first teacher. A mother Starts teaching her newborn right after birth.... Mothers keep singing nursery rhymes when bathing or breastfeeding their babies. Moms are also expected to teach their children life skills like being polite and interacting with others in respect.

♦️ Activity coordinator. The mother has to make sure that all the childrens activities are in check... Homework, trips, playdates...

♦️ Emotional nurturer. The mother has the responsibility of being fully emotionally available to the children. She has to comfort them when they're low or they feel defeated.

♦️The justice system. The mother will always find herself solving so many disagreements in her childs life either with her siblings or friends. The mother has to have excellent conflict resolution skills. 

♦️The relationship coach. Children need guidance on making friends and interacting with peers. The mother has to be there to offer guidance. 

♦️ Playmate. You can't be a mother and at the same time want to act mature. You have to go back to the level of your child and play with them. It strengthens your bond with the child. 

♦️ Trainer, instructor and disciplinarian. The mother has to train up their children to learn the acceptable ways. Correct and discipline the child with love. 

♦️ Offer unconditional love, care and support throughout a child's development. Everything a mother does for her child should be unconditional. No one should pay you for being a mother. Even after the child is grown. It's the responsibility of a mother to offer unconditional love. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach

What every woman should consider before having a child

It is a woman who Gets to bring the life of a fetus to a baby. so the woman has to make a concious choice on when they are ready to bring a life on earth. What should a woman think about before becoming a mother??

1. What are you willing to sacrifice? Are you ready to sacrifice? 

Sacrifice is a common theme in motherhood. The first thing  you sacrifice by default is your body for nine months. You have to sacrifice your petite and great figure and accept gaining weight in almost All parts of the body. You sacrifice your favorite meals to funny cravings. You also sacrifice your health with all the uncertain complications that might happen during pregnancy and childbirth. 

You also sacrifice your Life.Thousands of women lose their lives while bringing life 

You have to sacrifice your career temporarily. There are some periods you can't show up to your favorite profession to do what you like doing. This might even become Long term sacrifice of career in cases where you might develop complications or get a special child.

So you thinking of becoming a mom? Are you ready to sacrifice?

2. Are you emotionally prepared? Many women have become mothers when they're mentally struggling only to transfer Traumas to their children. When you're in a bad place emotionally and you're pregnant, you transfer those vibrations to your growing fetus in your womb. You have to be emotionally healthy to be a mother. DON'T have a child to heal your broken heart. MARRIED WOMEN STOP HAVING CHILDREN TO HEAL YOUR UNSTABLE MARRIAGE. Get pregnant when you're not wounded emotionally.

3. Are you financially prepared? Children are expensive. What if you can't work during pregnancy, are you financially stable to remain provided for? Do you have a financial support system like a husband who Will provide when you can't provide For yourself? Do you have enough savings? Do you have medical covers? 

4. Who Will be the father? This decision should not be made based on euphoria and infactuations of intimacy. You have to ask yourself whether the man is fit to be a father More than being an intimate partner. Is the man in an emotional and mental state to support you throughout pregnancy and childbirth? Is he ready to persevere sleepless nights with you? Can he handle your mood swings and cravings. So get a baby with a partner whom you're both ready  and intentional to have a child. If he is ready, you'll be assured of support. NEVER  GET PREGNANT TO TRAP A MAN. You will have trapped your child to dysfunctionality. 

Ladies what else do you think of? Children are angels and blessings. But they need to be brought forth by fully prepared mothers

#joyinsghts

#intentionalparenting

What absence of a father does to a daughter's Life

So we see the kinds of judgement on social media or in our localities on young women who get married to or date extremely older men especially married ones. We call them home wreckers,  gold diggers, side chicks, prostitutes and all demeaning names. 

Mostly those women say that the older men are caring, understanding and are good providers. They say they cannot leave them because they feel safe with the men. Even when some of the men are married and have to keep the relationship a secret. 

As much as we would want to insult these women for dating older married men, we need to understand that there's a psychological explanation of that behavior. These women are wounded.

These women are struggling with DADDY ISSUES. They're suffering from a FATHER WOUND. Most of the campus girls who date sponsors and women who are comfortable being side chicks to married men to a point of having children for them, Lacked a father's love growing up. They either grew up without a father or father figure present, Grew up with an abusive father, or grew up with a present but emotionally unavailable father, grew up with an irresponsible father like an alcoholic who Left all responsibility to the mother.

A father is the first and the longest Love a daughter will have. It is through the father that a girl knows how to relate with men. A father needs to provide care, support and unconditional love to a daughter. This makes a girl to grow with high self esteem and confidence. 

A girl who has grown with a loving father would not dare stay in a relationship with a man who does not respect her. She already knows how a good man behaves. She already knows how a man should love her.

However, if a girl grows with an extremely abusive father, an emotionally abusive father, a father who left all responsibility to the mother, The girl will grow up looking for a father in every man she dates. 

She yearns for a father's love so she expects the men she date to act like a father to her. She wants a man to provide for her, care for her, take her out, support her (All which needed to come from her father growing up). She will therefore settle for unavailable men who to her seems like a father figure just because they provide (married men, abusers, emotionally unavailable) thinking that they will care for her. The sad thing is that she is attracting what is familiar. 

If she dares get into a relationship with her agemates her daddy issues will always bring problems to the relationship. She is looking for a father while the man is looking for a companion. 

So if you're a father of daughters, be in their lives so that they don't go looking for A  Father in men she date. Because she will only end up with a man exactly like you. Being there for your child is not just living with them and paying school fees... It's being emotionally available for them. Whether you're married to their mother or not. 

Women allow your daughters to have father figures if their father is not available. 

Fathers with teenage daughters... Show them support and unconditional love. Take your daughters out. Surprise your daughter in College with a box of Pizza and KFC. Take your daughters out on weekends. Bring them presents on their birthdays. Show up anytime she is showcasing her talent, support her and let them know you'll always be there even when they fail. (Why would she need a Sponsor when you're actively in her life?). 

For Fathers who were alienated from your daughters when they were young by the mothers. Even if the girls are grown and in college. Look for them. Start building a relationship no matter how bad they were told you were. Girls have a soft spot for their dads. She will a accept you. 

If you're a woman having daddy issues and you keep attracting men who are unavailable or abusive like your father. Heal. Reparent. Work on yourself and don't get into a relationship without healing first.

Let our daughters grow to healthy women. Women who can relate with men in a healthy way. Not women who are looking for something (that her father should have provided in childhood) in a man. 

#joyinsights 

#intentionalparenting

What absence of a father does to a Son

So there is this Video I saw going round on social media of a very young boy who apparently goes to the market, looks for money, then takes the money back to the Mother. When asked why he cannot give the money to his father, He says he can never do it. Because his father is a drunkard. Takes alcohol and smokes. From his Facial expressions, one can see the intense hatred he has for his father. 

What just hit me and made me sad about the clip is the Psychological damage that is growing between that boy and his father. As he grows physically , A FATHER WOUND is also growing which is unhealthy. 

Fathers are very important in their son's lives. It is the father who teaches sons self control (we all know how boys engage in risky activities when they're toddlers). Teaches the son how to control their sexual urge and how to engage in responsible sex.

It is through the father a son learns to treat women in their lives. How to respect women, how to love women and how to be a Gentleman who can lead. 

However, there are sons who grow up with absent fathers. These boys develop the FATHER WOUND. The father wound comes as a result absence of a father or father figure, Abusive father, emotionally unavailable father, irresponsible father (like the drug addicts). 

What happens to a boy who grows without a father? 

1. Anxiety and low confidence. The boy grew up feeling abandoned. Thinking they're not good enough that's why their father Left. They are therefore anxious that their partners might leave them, might lose their job, might not be successful. This makes such kind of men second guess most of their decisions.

2. Anger issues. Men who grew up with abusive and irresponsible fathers are more likely to be stuck in anger. Any little disagreement might result to a physical fight. They can't control their high emotional outbursts. Again, nobody taught them how to control anger. Sometimes they might just be aggressive as they're projecting the pain of their father abusing or leaving them.

3. Too rigid  boundaries. Some ladies have interacted with men who are super insecure. They spy their partners digital devices, movements, puts trackers in their wives cars, questions who they talk to. Dictates how they dress so that no other man talks to the wife. Orders the wife to stay at home. All these insecurities and rigid boundaries are just a defense mechanism of fear of abandonment. Again, no Man taught them how to let people exist in their own skin. 

4. Becoming a people pleaser or a provider to everyone else. When some boys grow up with irresponsible or abusive father, they resent that behavior ( Like that boy in the viral video). They therefore take the role of providing to be the opposite of their father. They start providing for their siblings, their mother, friends and extended family to a point of neglecting their own needs. Don't get it twisted, people pleasing is self neglect and a defense mechanism. Not generosity (especially when you abandon yourself). 

5. Having relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. If you're a man who grew up with an abusive father or absent father, you might find yourself attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable. Psychology says that adults unconsciously find themselves in relationships that are familiar with what they experienced in child hood. A man might try to repair his father wound with a partner who recreates his childhood experiences. A reliable and consistent wife might be seen as a threat because emotional availability is not familiar to them. 

6. Repeating the same parenting pattern. If a Man does not Address his father wound Before having children, they might become absent fathers  or abusive fathers themselves. We have Heard of men who ran away immediately They make a woman pregnant. No man taught them that men take responsibility of the outcomes of their sexual encounters. Others are present physically but have trouble bonding with the children. We have Heard of homes where children fear the Father they can't even joke with him in the house. 

So women, if you have a son and their father is not ready to be in their life or is deceased, look for a father figure for them. Uncles or grandfathers or male mentor .

Women who are living with abusive and irresponsible men and claim they're staying because of the children. If you have sons , you're just making those sons hate and resent Their father. They are observing how he has neglected the family and how he is beating you. You're making them develop a Father Wound. You are keeping your marriage and wounding your children. Am not telling anyone to leave their marriage, (But those who understand Kikuyu might have seen the viral video and that hatred the boy has towards the father is because the mother has chosen to live with the man.)

Men, if you Grew up with an absent , abusive, irresponsible, emotionally unavailable father, ACCEPT YOU HAVE A FATHER WOUND. then Reparent yourself. Heal your father wound and become a healthy adult. 

Let's raise our boys to become healthy gentlemen. 

#joyinsights 

#intentionalparenting

REPARENTING

So I got th request to talk about what people who are already affected by being raised by wounded parents and have carried their childhood traumas in their adulthood can do. 

On this, the first thing to note is that acknowledging you have childhood wounds does not in any way involve blaming your parents. Those parents had their own struggles and they raised you from their level of awareness. They could not have done better. That's all they knew. So don't go blaming your parents they are the reason you behave the way you do because of their parenting style. You can't Heal when you're blaming others. 

Were you physically abused growing up? Were you verbally abused? Were you compared with your peers? Were you neglected emotionally? Were you made the parent to your siblings? Were you yelled at throughout your childhood? Were your parents controlling and dictatorial? Were you denied any voice of your own? Did you witness your parents verbally and physically abusing each other? Did one of your parents neglect you totally?  

All these experiences traumatized and wounded you but you never stopped growing. So how did you cope? You developed unhealthy coping mechanisms that are affecting you as an adult. The worst part is that you are using your wounded self to raise children whom you're unconsciously bleeding on (for the parents). However, there is hope. There is no need of getting defensive and say your life was programmed as a child so you can't change it. This is where Reparenting comes in. 

Reparenting is the process of giving yourself what you did not receive as a child. It is like assuming the position of you as a child and becoming a parent to yourself. My coach once told me is like "getting inside my 5year old self or that 15 year teen self and parent yourself by giving yourself what you never received that  is important for your heathy emotional growth" Return to your childhood, begin again and give yourself what you need as a child. 

What does that tell you? Reparenting is a 100% personal responsibility. You are giving the wounded inner child all the care, love, affection, dignity, respect that you never received as a child. 

So how do you start the process? Start by aknowledging that there is something deeply wrong with you stemming from your childhood. Then start doing all the work. For instance, If you were compared as a child and developed low self esteem and a feeling you're not good enough, you can start giving yourself positive affirmations like (I am beautiful, I am good at this, I can be successful in that business) If you were constantly  abused and never appreciated and became a people pleaser to be loved by others, start putting boundaries and saying No to situations you feel uncomfortable. 

You are conciouslly unlearning and reprogramming your mind from the familiar ways that you were raised in as they are unhealthy to you and your children ( if you're a parent) 

This is not an easy process . It takes time but it works wonders. What is needed is discipline, self-care and intentionallity. Nothing can work if you ain't intentional. 

When you're reparenting yourself, it will be very easy for you to raise emotionally healthy kids (If you're a parent) as you will apply those parenting skills you're giving yourself. For instance ( if you were raised by physically and verbally abusive parents, you're reprogramming that although that's what is familiar to you, it is unhealthy and therefore you can never practice it on your kids). 

You parent from an awareness level. Remember I say, you can't give from an empty well. HEAL and your kids will receive an overflow. 

Again, consider professional help. Seek the services of a Transformational  life coach ( they're so good in guiding through reparenting) or a therapist. 

We all have our inner child wounded in one way or another. Do not lie to your self. Start reparenting. 

#joyinsights