Did you know that HATE and resentment do not come naturally in children? Hate has to be taught. A child has to be taught how to hate a particular person, group of people or even a place.
Have you ever observed the behavior of infants? They smile at everybody. They become toddlers and you will see a toddler playing with the passenger next to them in a Matatu. You will see a toddler smiling to people in church. Or even laughing with the cashier at the supermarket. Smiling to strangers in the streets. What does that tell you? love is the emotion that Comes naturally to children.
Even when someone wrongs a child, they develop fear towards them. Not hate. They fear people who hurt them. Because fear as a defense mechanism to danger comes naturally.
So, how then do we find that children have started hating people? You will see a child with deep resentment of a neighbor's child. Someone must have taught them to hate that family.
Think about those cousins you don't talk to. Cousins whom you never interacted with growing up as you were told never to talk to that family by your parents. You have no idea why your parents don't get along with their siblings. So you were taught to hate them and bought the enmity. You resented them. For no reason.
Now, when lovers break up and they have children. The one with the children decides one of their parenting responsibility is to teach their children how to hate their other parent.
You describe your ex lover with the most unconventional words, you call him/her a deadbeat, a dog, you say he was knocked by a lorry, dead. And you say all these to your child. You want to teach them how to hate.
Just because you're giving them food and paying their school fees alone. Like who else should be doing it?? Did the child ask you to give birth to them? Did the child ask you to fall in love with the wrong person? Now after you realize your mistake, You're alone with the children, you want to teach them how to hate the absent parent. A person they have never seen. And if they had been raised by the parent for some years before you broke up, they loved that parent. Then one day because the parent left and abandoned their responsibility you try to teach them how to hate him/her.
That's not your responsibility. Let children figure it out by themselves. How hard is it to tell your children you have no idea where their mom/dad is but he might show up for them one day? And even if he never shows up for them, they should be assured of your 100 percent love and care. You will have reduced feelings of rejection and at the same time you have not taught them how to hate. Hate is a vice. It's better to teach them hope rather than hate.
As you tell your kids never to talk to their other parent. Never to look for him/her. Know that you're teaching them hate. You're the one who was in love and broke up, not the children. Why do you want them to buy your enemy? And by the way, how do you keep a person you cuddled naked and exchanged fluids as an enemy?? You really need to invest in healing or even professional help to move on. Because some level of resentment can take you to an early grave.
In countries where there's racism , racist parents teach their children to hate people based on their skin color. But if the child is not taught how to hate, they won't even see color. They will just see a friend whose complexion is different.
Think deeply when you're teaching your children how to hate their other parent. Just because he/she does not provide. Think when you're teaching children how to hate some relatives. Just because you fought for family land. Think deeply as you teach your children how to hate a particular tribe. Just because of political affiliations.
If someone hurt you and abandoned their responsibility, heal and move on. Provide with a cheerful spirit. And don't recruit children to hate the person.
Think deeply parents.
Children don't know how to hate. They're taught.
© JOYCE MWAI
Writer/Teenagers Mentor/Parenting Coach
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