Characteristics of a Dysfunctional family

To end Dysfunctional family patterns and raise your children to be a healthy generation, you need to first identify whether you're a product of a dysfunctional family. So what are the characteristics of a dysfunctional family? 

1. Ineffective communication and triangulation.

 Communication is a problem in a dysfunctional family. You'll find there are some members who don't talk to each other at all. Others yell alot as they cannot listen to one another. In other families, parents communicate in triangulation ( A parent communicates to the other parent through the children). You'll see a mother saying " Go tell your father there is no money for food or we sleep hungry" 

2. There are power struggles. 

A dysfunctional family has that one sibling that wants to control the whole family. Especially if the sibling is well financially. Those who feel controlled may react by withdrawing from the family while others might become violent towards the controlling sibling. The parents cannot balance power as they are enjoying the goodies that the controlling child provides. Where there are power struggles, Hatred rules. 

3. Comparisons. 

This is mostly done by the parents who compare their children. A parent keeps on telling a child, "why can't you be more like your brother?" It's an unhealthy pattern. 

4. Excessive criticism

Siblings thrive in criticizing one another. Parents also criticize those children who are not well financially. (You will bring a new date to your family members and they will criticize you for dating an ugly person, very old, poor, short, tall) and all such kind of negative criticism. 

5. Members badmouth and gossip among themselves. 

You will see sibling A and B while they're together, they are badmouthing sibling C. Then when they are not together, B will tell C how A was talking ill about C and a conflict erupts. 

6. Unpredictable patterns. 

This is for example where children grow up not knowing when their father will come home and throw their mother out. Children don't know when their mother might leave next. You're scared of going home because you're not sure whether you will find your mother has wounded your father again.....  Children grow up in trauma caused by uncertainties. 

7. Parental alienation. 

Dysfunctional families have parents who alienate children from one of their parents. A mother will try so hard to turn her children against the father and vice versa. A mother will move out of her home, leave the husband and force one of her child in the city to take her in. Then abandon the Mzee back in the village. The family ends up with Team Dad and Team Mum. 

8. There's always an intervention for a particular child. 

You will find families who keep making one child the blacksheep. They're always holding meetings to intervene on when they should get married, who should host them as family members believe he can't do it on his own. If he should go to rehab.....etc. they never let this "blacksheep" be or exist in their own skin. They feel they're better than him/her. 

9. Family gatherings end up in fights. 

Do you end up fighting with a sibling Everytime you meet during gatherings? Are your family gatherings characterized by cases about who said this or the other? You're in a dysfunctional family. 

10. There is parentification. 

Dysfunctional families have firstborns being made deputy parents. Parents will educate the First born then force them to take care of the rest of the siblings. One child will be made to pay school fees for all the other children. One child will be made to host their younger siblings to feed and pay their school fees. Parentified children end up drained financially and emotionally as they cannot take care of themselves as they have been made deputy parents. 

Do you come from a family that has any or all of These characteristics?? You're in a Dysfunctional family. It's time you start considering ending the dysfunctionality and raise a healthy generation. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach