When I was in highschool, there was a teacher that I could not dare get late to school when he was on duty ( I was always on time but those who were in day schools know that some circumstances can make you late Once in a while). When you were late, the teacher would close the gate and make you go back home. Imagine going back home and the following day you have to explain why you were absent to the other teachers. So this teacher would make people to almost break their legs rushing to school so as not to be sent back home. Even the habitual late comers would be on time.
However, when it was other teachers' duties, you would see a group of students late for they could handle the punishments given (sweeping, cleaning).
When I reflect on it now, I realize that we students feared the teacher as well as the punishment he would give. However, he was not able to change the students behavior of coming to school late permanently. They would only obey the rules temporarily for the fear of punishment. When he is not in charge, they would go back to their habitual lateness .
His type of punishment only instilled fear and not behavior change. If there was behavior change, there would be no late comers all the other weeks when that Teacher was not on duty.
Many are the times when parents focus on making children fear them or fear punishments. So you hear a parent bragging, "My child can't dare do this because he knows what I will do to him"
You will hear a father bragging that his children are well behaved when he is around. But when he is away, and the mother is around, they still misbehave. What does this tell you? They fear the father but they are not in any way well behaved.
You will see a mother threatening a child to do something or report them to the father. The child does since his father beats him military style. So all the child does is to fear the father but not to learn good behavior.
Using harsh punishment to instill fear in a child does not help a child learn good behavior. Children learn acceptable behavior through instruction but not through punishment.
Punishment should only be used after a series of instructions but not a way of instilling fear. Punishment should be given after a child understands why a particular behavior is wrong but still chooses to engage in the bad behavior over and over again.
Learning through fear is the worst method of teaching good behavior and values to children. Fear will override the opportunity to understand why something is considered right or wrong.
When a child fears you or your punishment, they will only do what you want when you are around. When you're not there, they will engage in the same bad behavior you punish them for.
So, are your children well behaved or they just fear you??
If they fear you, you should be worried.
To change bad behavior in children or teens,
EXPLAIN the bad behavior ➡️ provide an ALTERNATIVE GOOD BEHAVIOR to replace the bad behavior ➡️ PUNISH bad behavior when repeated / REWARD good behavior. Eventually, the child will learn the good behavior not because they fear punishment but because they know it's the right thing to do (plus there is a reward for it)
© Joyce Mwai
Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage mentor
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