So there is this Video I saw going round on social media of a very young boy who apparently goes to the market, looks for money, then takes the money back to the Mother. When asked why he cannot give the money to his father, He says he can never do it. Because his father is a drunkard. Takes alcohol and smokes. From his Facial expressions, one can see the intense hatred he has for his father.
What just hit me and made me sad about the clip is the Psychological damage that is growing between that boy and his father. As he grows physically , A FATHER WOUND is also growing which is unhealthy.
Fathers are very important in their son's lives. It is the father who teaches sons self control (we all know how boys engage in risky activities when they're toddlers). Teaches the son how to control their sexual urge and how to engage in responsible sex.
It is through the father a son learns to treat women in their lives. How to respect women, how to love women and how to be a Gentleman who can lead.
However, there are sons who grow up with absent fathers. These boys develop the FATHER WOUND. The father wound comes as a result absence of a father or father figure, Abusive father, emotionally unavailable father, irresponsible father (like the drug addicts).
What happens to a boy who grows without a father?
1. Anxiety and low confidence. The boy grew up feeling abandoned. Thinking they're not good enough that's why their father Left. They are therefore anxious that their partners might leave them, might lose their job, might not be successful. This makes such kind of men second guess most of their decisions.
2. Anger issues. Men who grew up with abusive and irresponsible fathers are more likely to be stuck in anger. Any little disagreement might result to a physical fight. They can't control their high emotional outbursts. Again, nobody taught them how to control anger. Sometimes they might just be aggressive as they're projecting the pain of their father abusing or leaving them.
3. Too rigid boundaries. Some ladies have interacted with men who are super insecure. They spy their partners digital devices, movements, puts trackers in their wives cars, questions who they talk to. Dictates how they dress so that no other man talks to the wife. Orders the wife to stay at home. All these insecurities and rigid boundaries are just a defense mechanism of fear of abandonment. Again, no Man taught them how to let people exist in their own skin.
4. Becoming a people pleaser or a provider to everyone else. When some boys grow up with irresponsible or abusive father, they resent that behavior ( Like that boy in the viral video). They therefore take the role of providing to be the opposite of their father. They start providing for their siblings, their mother, friends and extended family to a point of neglecting their own needs. Don't get it twisted, people pleasing is self neglect and a defense mechanism. Not generosity (especially when you abandon yourself).
5. Having relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. If you're a man who grew up with an abusive father or absent father, you might find yourself attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable. Psychology says that adults unconsciously find themselves in relationships that are familiar with what they experienced in child hood. A man might try to repair his father wound with a partner who recreates his childhood experiences. A reliable and consistent wife might be seen as a threat because emotional availability is not familiar to them.
6. Repeating the same parenting pattern. If a Man does not Address his father wound Before having children, they might become absent fathers or abusive fathers themselves. We have Heard of men who ran away immediately They make a woman pregnant. No man taught them that men take responsibility of the outcomes of their sexual encounters. Others are present physically but have trouble bonding with the children. We have Heard of homes where children fear the Father they can't even joke with him in the house.
So women, if you have a son and their father is not ready to be in their life or is deceased, look for a father figure for them. Uncles or grandfathers or male mentor .
Women who are living with abusive and irresponsible men and claim they're staying because of the children. If you have sons , you're just making those sons hate and resent Their father. They are observing how he has neglected the family and how he is beating you. You're making them develop a Father Wound. You are keeping your marriage and wounding your children. Am not telling anyone to leave their marriage, (But those who understand Kikuyu might have seen the viral video and that hatred the boy has towards the father is because the mother has chosen to live with the man.)
Men, if you Grew up with an absent , abusive, irresponsible, emotionally unavailable father, ACCEPT YOU HAVE A FATHER WOUND. then Reparent yourself. Heal your father wound and become a healthy adult.
Let's raise our boys to become healthy gentlemen.
#joyinsights
#intentionalparenting
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