If you expose your Child to Adverse Childhood Experiences, You're Messing up their Adulthood

 

When I used to teach (years ago),  there's this poem I loved to teach with during poetry lessons. "Crack the Glass" by El-Miskery. 

Students could easily figure out the message of the poem. The poem talks about how the human heart is as delicate as glass, once it is broken, the crack will always remain. 

The poet goes ahead to say that although the heart can be fixed ( a person forgiving you or getting past the hurt) , it is too hard to make a person you broke their heart forget the hurt. If the wound is touched, the person will start bleeding again. This means that the person you hurt will only need a slight trigger to get back to being hurt. 

I however want to deviate and use this poem to describe our children's emotional and mental development. (In literature we say there is no right or wrong analysis of a work of art. One just needs to illustrate their interpretation with evidence from the text )

Just as the way glass is delicate, the same way our children are delicate. What we put in their heart is what remains for the rest of their development up to adulthood. 

This means that we have to protect the delicate nature of our children by not wounding them. 

We can protect our children from developing permanent wounds by protecting them from abuse . Are you beating, yelling, comparing, neglecting provision of basic needs , neglecting to offer emotional availability to your child?? You're wounding your child. The wound will remain. 

Are you letting your child observe you engaging in domestic violence. Do your children have to rescue you as a mother Everytime your husband is beating you? You're wounding the child. And the wound will remain. 

Are you allowing your child to be the parent. Neglecting your duty and making your child handle all your emotions? You're wounding your child. And the wound will always remain. 

Exposing children to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) is wounding thém. Wounds that they will have to take to adulthood. 

Once they're adults, they will just need to bé triggered, and Their wound will start bleeding. Even on people who never wounded them. 

You see a man angry with his wife, because he was wounded in childhood, he is triggered and beats the hell out of the wife. 

A mother gets angry with her children. because she was wounded in childhood by the parents, she yells and beats the hell out of her children. She is triggered so she starts bleeding on her children. 

Most of the adults we have today are wounded. They just need a trigger to start bleeding. Why?? Because of a messed up childhood. 

As the poem says , although the heart can be fixed, triggers will always overpower a person. 

An adult has to put in alot of work to mend the wounds inflicted in childhood. It is alot of intentional inner work. To heal all the childhood traumas. 

To prevent our children from having to heal wounds in future, how about we don't inflict wounds on them now. Because they will definitely take the wounds to adulthood. 

Children are delicate, as the human heart, as the Glass. If you wound them, you're messing up their adult hood. 

Parents , how about we don't crack the Glass? 

How about we don't crack the delicate and innocent nature of our children?

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

Fear & Good behavior (Demystifying the difference)

When I was in highschool, there was a teacher that I could not dare get late to school when he was on duty ( I was always on time but those who were in day schools know that some circumstances can make you late Once in a while). 

When you were  late, the teacher would close the gate and make you go back home. Imagine going back home and the following day you have to explain why you were absent to the other teachers. So this teacher would make people to almost break their legs rushing to school so as not to be sent back home. Even the habitual late comers would be on time.

 However, when it was other teachers' duties, you would see a group of students late for they could handle the punishments given (sweeping, cleaning). 

When I reflect on it now, I realize that we students feared the teacher as well as the punishment he would give. However, he was not able to change the students behavior of coming to school late permanently. They would only obey the rules temporarily for the fear of punishment. When he is not in charge, they would go back to their habitual lateness .

His type of punishment only instilled fear and not behavior change. If there was behavior change, there would be no late comers all the other weeks when that Teacher was not on duty. 

Many are the times when parents focus on making children fear them or fear punishments. So you hear a parent bragging, "My child can't dare do this because he knows what I will do to him" 

You will hear a father bragging that his children are well behaved when he is around. But when he is away, and the mother is around, they still misbehave. What does this tell you? They fear the father but they are not in any way well behaved. 

You will see a mother threatening a child to do something or report them to the father. The child does since his father beats him military style. So all the child does is to fear the father but not to learn good behavior. 

Using harsh punishment to instill fear in a child does not help a child learn good behavior. Children learn acceptable behavior through instruction but not through punishment. 

Punishment should only be used after a series of instructions but not a way of instilling fear. Punishment should be given after a child understands why a particular behavior is wrong but still chooses to engage in the bad behavior over and over again. 

Learning through fear is the worst method of teaching good behavior and values to children. Fear will override the opportunity to understand why something is considered right or wrong.

When a child fears you or your punishment, they will only do what you want when you are around. When you're not there, they will engage in the same bad behavior you punish them for. 

So, are your children well behaved or they just fear you??

If they fear you, you should be worried. 

To change bad behavior in children or teens, 

EXPLAIN the bad behavior ➡️ provide an ALTERNATIVE GOOD BEHAVIOR to replace the bad behavior ➡️ PUNISH bad behavior when repeated / REWARD good behavior. Eventually, the child will learn the good behavior not because they fear punishment but because they know it's the right thing to do (plus there is a reward for it)

© Joyce Mwai

Author/ Teenagers mentor 

TEACHING TEENS ABSTINENCE

When I was growing up, all the teachers would tell us was that "boys are stinging nettle"😂 If you let them touch you as a girl, they will sting you😂 Those who grew in the 80s and 90s know that parents were not talking about sex with their children. It would be seen as shameful or a taboo. This meant that no one would closely guide teenagers on controlling their sexual desires. 

Growing up, I have not seen men being stinging nettle as those teachers would warn us. Infact, the organ that made them tell us that is one of the organs that make women's butt lips clap in excitement. Anyway, that kind of sexual education was vague as it portrayed a gender in a bad light instead of teaching us that teenage sex is not advisable. 

Sex should not be portrayed to teenagers as a bad act, shameful or a taboo. It should be introduced as the beautiful act as it is. However, the teenagers need to know it is only beautiful when it is done at the right age with the right person. So sex education for teenagers should be about abstinence and self control. 

So, how do you teach teenagers abstinence?? 

♦️Teach them how to say NO without feeling guilty. Tell them they don't have to do what their peers tell them to. It is okay to turn down a peer who wants them engage in irresponsible sex and they should not be sorry about it. 

♦️ Teach them how to direct their minds elsewhere. When they feel that urge for sex, they should engage on other activities like sports, hobbies, excercise, reading, puzzles (mostly teenagers contemplate sex when idle)

♦️Teach them how to choose friends. Let them Learn how to keep off peers who are encouraging them to have irresponsible sex. Most teenagers engage in sex due to peer pressure.

♦️Make sure they avoid improper entertainment. Let teenagers keep off watching films where sex is portrayed as okay for teenagers. There's alot of sexual content in media. Mind what films your teenagers watch. 

♦️Let them know sex in early teenage years would lead to regrets when they're older. Research studies show that most teenagers who engaged in irresponsible sex while 15 or 16 regret by the time they're in their late 20s or 30 when they understand themselves better. 

♦️ Let them be aware of the consequences of Teenage sex... Pregnancies, STIs, negative outcomes in academics. 

Let's raise a more aware generation. There's no shame in talking about Sex. 

Parents, what challenges are you facing talking about Sex with your teenagers?? 

@ Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Parenting Coach

SEX EDUCATION FOR TEENS

As children transition from childhood to adulthood, they have to go through the adolescent stage. It is at this stage that we see physical changes in them. Did you know as they develop physically they also develop sexually at this stage? Sexual hormones naturally start to be produced which control their sexual arousal and desires. 

Boys start producing testosterone while girls have estrogen that control sexual arousal and desires. It is here that the teens start developing sexual feelings towards peers of the opposite sex. They start getting aroused. 

You see the way you're aroused as an adult and desire sex with a person, for teenagers, it is worse as they are in puberty. These children can get super aroused and might not know how to handle that stage. It is here that talking about sex by the parent with their teenager becomes necessary. 

It might feel weird and uncomfortable to talk about sex with your 12 or 13 year old, But you have to do it. So, how can you talk about sex with your teenager as a parent? 

1. Take every chance possible to talk about sex. For instance, if you see a TV commercial about sex, take that opportunity and talk about it. 

2. Let the teen lead the conversation. Ask them what they already know about sex. They might have heard alot which some might be misconceptions. Take this Chance to clear any misinformation and offer them the truth.

3. Get comfortable with the topic. Assure them that there is no need to get embarrassed when talking about sex. Assure them that you  Will always be there to answer their questions. 

4. Be honest when you do not know an answer to a question about sex. You can tell them you can look up for answers together. (However, it is important you gather all your facts First)

5. Make the topic to be about values. You're giving them information so as they can uphold the right values around sex like self control, abstinence, respect.... If you don't give them the right values. They will get information from other sources like internet pornography. 

6. Do not give lectures. Explain every questions they have. Let it be interactive. 

7. Introduce sex as a healthy and beautiful part of human beings. If you paint sex as an evil thing or bad to them, they will definitely experiment as they will get curious. Introduce sex as a beautiful act that should be enjoyed but not by children. After all, they're products of sex. 

So parents to teenagers. Have you started the sex talk? How are you doing it? What challenges are you facing?? 

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

Freely Chosen Unstructured Play

 

For some parents, holidays are beneficial as their children get to help them in house chores. For others, it's a rollercoaster as all their young children can do is play and eat all day. For other parents, they feel that their children need to be buried in books to keep their academic performance at its best. 

So I have seen parents hire tutors for their children who are as young as 5 and 6 years during holidays for almost half day. This means that the child is on a strict schedule like in school even during holidays. What is really the purpose of holidays? It is for children's brain to have a break from extensive academic engagement. What is a Grade 2 child doing with books for a whole morning for the rest of a holiday? 

Children need to be allowed to play during holidays. It does not mean they should not have some moments with school books, but play is as important for the child as the academic performance you want for your child. 

So what kind of play should children have during holidays? It is the freely chosen unstructured play. 

What is freely chosen unstructured play?

 It is a child playing without guidance of an adult but out of their own imagination, instincts and interests. 

WHY FREELY CHOSEN PLAY IS IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN DEVELOPMENT?

1. Improves the physical health. When children are playing while running, jumping, skipping ropes, riding, they develop balance, stamina, coordination and physical fitness. 

2. Children learn social skills through play. Play allows children to interact with their neighbors whom they play together and learn to coexist. They learn how to express themselves, how to express feelings, how to work out emotions and how to handle defeat and failure.

3. Children learn problem solving skills. When a child chooses a challenging play, they use their cognition extensively to solve the challenge. 

4. Improves creativity and innovation. Children can only be creative when they choose their games and how to play them. 

5. Play reduces stress and boredom. When a child is only allowed to stay in the house for a whole day for the rest of their school holiday, they get bored and stressed. Children need a change of environment and some freedom to explore to reduce chances of stress that might lead to anxiety. 

6. They learn how to make meaningful relationships. Children playing with others freely can create lasting relationships with those they have the same interests with. 

7. Play prevents screen and social media addiction. When you lock your child in the house the whole day since you don't want them to play outside, you're exposing them to screen addiction. They will watch those cartoons the whole day and get addicted. Screen time has a whole lot of negative outcomes for children development. It should be avoided for whatever reason. 

So, for paranoid parents who say their children can't play with others in the neighborhood, don't you think you are raising isolated zombies?

Parents who buy all toys in the market so that your child plays in your  house the whole day, you are just denying that child freely unstructured play. 

Parents whose children are in front of a screen watching  cartoons the whole day, you're denying them a very important part of growth. 

Parents hiring tutors for young children during the holidays for like half a day. That's academic torture. You might make the children hate school for nothing. Those advanced in age like the candidates can have the tutoring as they have limited time. 

Let children play. It will come a time they will be teenagers and they will not even be willing to get out of their bedroom. So for young children, let them structure their own play freely. 

© Joyce Mwai

IMPACTS OF GROWING UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

When you see an adult with issues, It all stems from childhood. The abuse and neglect you experienced in childhood caused you trauma that you need to deal with. So which are the effects of growing up in a Dysfunctional family that show up in adulthood?? 

1. Trust issues. You grew up without trusting your parents as they Raised you in abuse and neglect. Always fighting with your siblings during family gatherings. So you find it hard to trust other people as the only people who would have cared for you were never trustworthy. 

2. Low self-esteem. Unhealthy families thrive in putting one another down. You grew up with a toxic parent who always told you how ugly you are ..how useless you are... A parent who kept comparing you with other children. You developed feelings of being unworthy and unimportant. 

3. Pathological lying. Have you ever met people who lie without even blinking?? Lying is a defense mechanism which children develop to cover up their actions to escape their parents punishment. Children Raised by extremely dictatorial and violent parents learn how to lie to escape being beaten. Other parents ask their children to lie about something against the other parent or another child. The child learns how to lie and it goes with them to adulthood. 

4. Inability to express emotions or feelings. Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents makes a child to learn how to bury emotions. If you grew up with a parent who beat you for crying or told you that "men don't cry" and never comforted you while you were sad. You will be an adult who has difficulty expressing emotions as you bottle them up. 

5. Increased risk of anxiety and depression. An adult who grew up in Dysfunctionality has a higher risk of depression compared to one raised in a healthy home. Failing to express emotions can lead to depression. Trust issues and fear of abandonment might increase your chances of always being anxious. 

6. Increased risk of drugs and alcohol abuse. Drug addiction stems from childhood. Drugs help people numb the feelings and trauma caused in childhood. Inability to face some situations leads a person to drug abuse. 

7. Aggressive behavior and violence . If you grew up with extremely violent parents who used to fight each other every night. Who beat you every day to a point of almost, dying you're more likely to be aggressive towards other people. You're socialized to using physical violence to solve every person who wrongs you. 

8. Inability to set boundaries. Boundaries are alien in Dysfunctional homes. The same way you will find it hard to keep your boundaries. 

9. People pleasing. If you grew up in a home where parents always put you down. The only way you survived was pleasing them so that they love you, you will find yourself pleasing people looking for their approval. 

10. Difficulty maintaining healthy romantic relationships. In psychology we say, you attract what is familiar. So you keep attracting people who are toxic like your parents. You see a healthy partner as a threat since you have never been loved right growing up. You attract chaos as that is what is familiar with you. 

11. High possibility of having your own Dysfunctional family. Picture this, you grow up with violent parents, you attract a violent spouse... You raise children watching you beat each other in marriage. The children will learn that Dysfunctionality . 

Dysfunctionality runs from one generation to the next, until one person in that lineage identifies it and makes a conscious decision to break the cycle. If you grew up in unhealthy family patterns..  make a decision to detach and work towards becoming a healthy individual For you and your future generations.

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Parenting Coach 

How to detach from a Dysfunctional family

 

If you realize you grew up in a Dysfunctional family, the only way out is to detach from the Dysfunctionality. How do you get out of this Dysfunctionality? 

1. Understand that breaking the cycle of Dysfunctionality is a personal Journey. Now that you understand what Dysfunctional and toxic family is, don't go asking everyone in your family that they're in a toxic home. Don't start telling your siblings your parents are toxic. It's a personal Journey you're taking. 

2. Get used to the idea of disappointing people. If your toxic family was used to demanding things or money from you even when you're struggling, Normalize saying NO and don't feel guilty about it. 

3. Allow people to make their own decisions. If you were behaving like the family's deputy parent, let your siblings make their decisions. Whether good or bad. Don't tell people what they should do. Stop obsessing about other people's problems. Focus on what is within your control. 

4. Set emotional boundaries. Stop reacting and start responding. If your family member says something to get into your nerves. Refrain from reacting and respond when you're calm. When you start with calmness, you can decide what requires your response and what does not.

5. Distance yourself from the toxic environment. You can't end the cycle of Dysfunctionality while you're still crossing paths with the toxic people all the time. The codependent relationships created in toxic families go deep like drug addiction. So to succeed in detaching, you have to avoid your triggers. (Your triggers are the toxic parents or siblings) 

6. Establish a new support system. Family ain't blood. Invest in friendships who will make up your healthy family support system. Remember " Friends are the family that we choose"

7. Keep learning about Dysfunctionality in families. Keep educating yourself about Dysfunctional families and how to cope with them. Read books, articles, follow pages that focus on the issue and keep learning. 

8. Let others know how to treat you. Let people know your boundaries. If you set your boundaries, others will know how to treat you. 

9. Prioritize Self care. Normalize making yourself a priority. Stop feeling guilty when you do something nice for yourself because your toxic mother/father/siblings will complain. Identity what you need and give it to yourself. 

10. Seek professional intervention. Normalize investing in therapy. Sometimes Dysfunctionality is deep rooted and you can't get out of it on your own. Just like drug addiction, you might find yourself relapsing and getting back to the toxicity. Therapists will help you detach. 

Detaching from Dysfunctionality does not mean hate. It means you understand there's an unhealthy pattern you were raised in and you wish to break that cycle. When you detach, you become a healthy adult who will raise emotionally healthy children. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Trainer