Parenting is not a sacrifice to your children

 

What happens when you take parenting as a sacrifice? 

The sole role of a parent is to take care of their children. However, some parents think that they are sacrificing or doing their children a favor by taking care of them. So what happens when a parent feels that they're doing their children a favor?? 

1. The parent is always bitter. Children do not always do the right thing. They are imperfect just like us. There is no child who does no wrong from January to December. So if you feel like you're doing your children a favor, you'll always be bitter when they do wrong. They fail in exams... you're bitter since you feel school fees is a sacrifice. 

2. You're more likely to parentify them. Children might take up the role of the parents when the parent fails to do all the roles they are supposed to play. The child will end up being a parent to themselves or their siblings since the parent fails to fulfill some obligations. 

3. The children are more likely to grow up to become people pleasers. When children grow up trying to please their parents who always tell them they're sacrificing alot for them, they believe that they have to please people to be loved. They might therefore neglect themselves as adults and take care of other people's needs. 

4. The child will be more likely to neglect their goals to give back "black tax" to their parents. Parents are supposed to support their children until they stand on their own and excel in their careers. Parents should also strive to leave some inheritance to their children ( A wise man leaves inheritance to their children). However, parents who keep on telling the children they sacrificed for them expect the child to give back to the parent at the expense of their career growth. The parent will expect the grown child to keep sending money as an obligation whether the child has or not. Just because the parent says they sacrificed a good life so that they can take their children to school. (Children giving their parents should be out of heart but not out of obligation). We have seen people who have neglected themselves to educate their siblings and take care of their parents because apparently the parent did them a favor taking them to school. 

5. The child will grow up to be an unhealthy parent too. Dysfunctionality is passed from one generation to the next. So if you tell your children you're doing them a favor by raising them , they're more likely to do the same as parents unless they heal the childhood wounds you caused them. 

Children never ask to be born. We just decide to enjoy coitus and forget its the baby making process. So, before you enjoy some three minutes of heavy breathing, think about your capability of raising a child that might come. 

Embrace parenting with joy the same way you enjoyed coitus. 

You ain't doing your children any favor by raising them. 

#joyinsights 

#intentional parenting

The relationship between a child and their parents is not economical

The term dead beat dad/mom is mostly used when a parent is not providing any financial support to their child. When one parent is considered a dead beat by the other, they are mostly alienated from the said children. 

Other parents decide to be responsible after a long period of not providing. However, the parent who has been providing for the child since birth say they don't need the help. 

Mostly you will hear parents say, especially women" I am raising these children singlehandedly without him contributing a cent. So there is no way I will allow the children see him" "I cannot allow my children to go to his family, he is a deadbeat" This continues until it becomes a power struggle between the mum and the kids as they grow and demand to see their other parent. (Especially teenagers). 

However, did you know the relationship between a parent and a child is not based on money. It is not economical. Was there any money involved in the natural coitus process you two had?? Then why do you make it about money? 

So, if he does not send money to you, but still wants the children to visit him? Why not allow them? Children need their identity. It is their right. They need to know where they came from. How their other parent is like. Before they start thinking they're the reason they were abandoned. 

Why alienate children whom you claim to love?? You're abusing them. Unless the other parent is a danger to the children , their financial contribution has nothing to do with children's  right to both parents. 

After all, there are parents who stay under the same roof but only one parent earns which means he caters all the financial needs of the children. Does it mean the other parent under that roof is not important in the child's life because they don't earn?? The same should apply to parents who don't live together.

If you're financially capable, handle all your kids financial needs. It's your responsibility. But don't use your money to alienate them from their other incapable parent. 

#joyinsights 

#intentional parenting 

Toxic masculinity

 

How gendered parenting might lead to toxic masculinity. 

Some months back, there was this phrase that was going all over social media and so many people would marvel on it "Kwani Mimi ni mwanamke" . A man would say for instance, "Nilie nikisuprisiwa Kwani Mimi ni mwanamke?"  "Nioshe nyumba Kwani Mimi ni mwanamke?" And so many other things I would see people type and make fun about. Men would associate all soft things and feelings to women and show how tough they are as softness is for women. The joke was not only sexist but also showed how much toxic masculinity is rooted in our society. 

Toxic masculinity is when being masculine is associated with control and need to dominate others or the image of being a man becomes harmful to the men and the society. Toxic masculinity is passed to the children who observe and taught distorted ways how men are supposed to behave. Those who pass toxic masculinity to children believe that they're are teaching them to be men while they're in real sense exposing them to toxic behaviors. This mostly happens when gendered parenting is overused instead of focusing on individual capabilities of a child. 

So which are these toxic masculinity behaviors? 

1. Enduring hardship without expressing feelings or asking for help. Men are constantly told that they should be physically tough, independent and self reliant. If a man dares to be vulnerable, they're ridiculed. This is toxic as every person should express feelings whether happy or sad. It is okay for every person to ask for help. What is wrong by a man crying when they lose a loved one? What is wrong when a man asks for help when depressed? Let's teach our boys that their feelings matter and should be expressed. 

2. Being dominant. Some men believe that men should dominate in every sphere of the society. This causes power struggles in different relationships. Some men find it hard reporting to a female boss. Other find it hard coping with a more educated woman as a wife or one who earns more money than them. This is toxic. Boys should learn that every person has the ability to succeed despite their gender and not every person should agree with them. 

3. Normalizing promiscuity. Men are typically praised by other men for sexual conquests. A man will be respected for the many women he has as wives. In a marriage, when a man cheats, the society says it's okay using quotes like "Men are naturally polygamous" It rains everywhere" However , when a woman cheats, the same men with multiple partners call her a "slut, hoe " . What are we teaching our boys? Dishonesty and promiscuity is masculine. Boys need to learn that honesty and respecting women's body are virtues they should cherish. 

4. Violence and aggression. Sometimes you see men using violence and aggression to prove that they are men. Violence gives such men confidence as they feel they have marked their masculine identify. This is just a toxic way of proving to be man. Infact violence is an act of cowardice. Boys need to learn that violence is wrong and illegal. They don't need to fight to be men. 

5. Sexual aggression. Men who believe are superior than women are more likely to make sexist jokes about women. We have seen those derogatory terms men use about women's genitals. Toxic masculinity can also lead to sexual harassment or rape when a man feels they have power over women's bodies. 

6. Irresponsible in self-care and caregiving practices. Child bearing and domestic work have been traditionally seen as women duties. This makes men normalize that their houses should be unkempt. That it is okay for a man to have dirty dishes and dirty house. Some men also find it hard to care for others like change diapers or help around the house. Personal hygiene should be upheld by every individual. (thanks to CBC boys are being taught on housework and caregiving). Boys need to learn that being tidy is not a feminine quality and they are not justified to forego housework to women. 

We need to raise a generation of boys who will become responsible men in all aspects of life. This is only possible by keeping off passing any toxic masculinity behaviors. Boys need to learn they are human beings with feelings and bottling up emotions is weakness and not strength. They need to know that all human beings deserve respect whether male or female. 

Let's save our boys from toxic masculinity! 

#joyinsights

Gendered parenting

 

Some weeks ago, we were planning a surprise baby shower for a friend of mine. One major issue that came up was the theme colors of the day. We had to ask each other if we were sure of the gender she was expecting so that we decide on the theme color. Why was theme color an issue? because we have been accustomed to Blue color for Boys and pink for girls. So without being sure, we had to think of gender neutral color blends. We finally came up with Red and White. 

What am I trying to say? As a society, we have been accustomed to use children's sex as a guide for socialization decisions without considering individual behavior and characteristics. This is called GENDERED PARENTING. Here, Gender is used by the parent to show their children how girls and boys should behave or not behave. 

Gendered parenting is started as early as a child is born. Parents paint Boys room blue and girls room pink. New moms consider gender while buying infant necessities where they buy pink items for girls and blue for boys. 

As children grow, we introduce them to gender stereotyped toys. We buy dolls and pretend cooking toys for girls while we buy  cars, and balls for boys. As children play, we tell Girls not to engage in more exploring play like climbing places but tell them to pretend play cooking or changing diapers. Boys are left to explore cars, tractors climbing, driving and the like. When we were growing up, my community girls who played with boys in activities considered for boys would be called "Wanja Kihîî" (That's a derogatory term meaning a girl behaving like a boy). 

What does all this socialization tell a child, there are things that should be done by boys and others girls. However, some of the activities we socialize children using gender stereotypes are important life skills. There's no harm when both boys and girls learn how to cook. (I guess CBC is introducing them to all life skills). 

Other than how we teach children, they also observe how their parents divide work and housework. Girls observe their mothers while boys observe what their fathers are doing. If the parents lifestyle is dictated by Gender stereotypes, children learn the same stereotypes. 

However, what gendered parenting overlooks is individual capabilities of children. They limit children based on their sex. 

Anyway, how are you conforming to gender stereotypes as a parent? 

Do you consider gender while buying toys for your kids? 

We're you bullied as a child for engaging in activities that were considered of a different gender than yours? 

Has your child ever surprised you by asking for a toy that you consider to be of a different gender?? 

#joyinsights

Parental Alienation

So I have severally got this request from men to talk about their predicament of being denied a chance to be in their children's life once their relationship with a woman goes south. Others want to know what they can do to access their kids without drama by the other parent. I also have a community of women who have been denied a chance to be with their children after the relationship with the men they married or dated went south. Why does this happen??

One parent decides to turn children against the other parent because they cannot separate their personal feelings with the needs of the child. If your relationship or marriage does not work, how does a child come in? You can go your separate ways but leave the child out of your ego and drama. Separating a child from the other parent for whatever reason is called parental alienation. 

PARENTAL ALIENATION is the situation where one parent manipulates a child to distance themselves from the other parent by undermining or interfering the relationship of the child with the targeted parent. Parental alienation occurs when the manipulative parent cannot separate their conflict with the other parent with the needs of the child. Alienation does not only occur between separated parents. It can also happen with parents living under the same roof. 

So, what are the common forms of parental alienation??

1. Limiting contact of a child with the targeted parents (This happens when a parent denies phone calls, runs away without trace or any other means to limit contact). 

2. Badmouthing the other parent while directly addressing the kids or doing it in the presence of the kids ( this goes to those parents who tell their children that their other parent abandoned them, is a deadbeat, or any negative thing about the other parent). Did the child ask you?? Even if they asked?  Why not say positive things?  

3. Forcing the child to refuse affection of the other parent  (I have heard of some parents who force kids to throw away things bought by the other parent) 

4.  Trying to show the child that the other parent is dangerous ( if the parent is a real danger to the child, there are appropriate authorities to handle that. Not in your place to determine). 

5. Trying all efforts to erase the other parent from the child' s life ( Like lying to the child that their other parent is dead or you have no idea where they are while in real sense you do, or editing the birth certificate to erase the name of the other parent) seriously, what's wrong with a child having the name of their other parent on the birth certificate???

6. Creating an impression that the other parent is not caring ( Telling them that other other parent is a deadbeat, telling them they're abandoned and you're raising them singlehandedly.... Who asked you????)

7. Talking ill of the other parent's extended family. 

8. Forcing a child to choose sides by threats or withdrawal of affection. 

You cannot force a child to hate someone. Children are naturally not loyal to any parent. If you see them loyal to you and hateful towards the other, they're manipulated. 

Parental alienation has very adverse effects to a child 's emotional and mental health outcomes (will discuss this in a different post). 

Anyway, if you do any or all of the above for whatever reason, there's no other description for you. You're an ABUSIVE PARENT. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. 

#joyinsights

What parental alienation does to a child

Providing material things is not the only provision a child needs from a parent. You might buy everything a child would need materially but still be abusive to them. This is what happens in parental alienation. You provide everything to your child since you have money. But you deny them any relationship with their other parent! Can you see how abusive you are as a parent?? 

So, how does parental alienation affect a child? 

1. Parental alienation alters the healthy development of a child's identity. Every child is always curious to know their roots especially when they are raised by one parent. They yearn to know themselves better as they form an identity. Now if you're a parent raising a child alone and you lie to the child that their other parent died, that child might start identifying as half orphan. If other children are talking about their parents, the child might confidently defend to other kids that their other parent is dead that's why they live with one parent. Now imagine if the child grows older in teenage years and realizes the other parent is not dead?? You can imagine the level of acting out as they try to figure who they are. 

2. Parental alienation makes a child grow up having difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Mostly when a child is denied access to the other parent, they think they are the reason the parents are in conflict. They therefore grow having a hard time being their real self as they are afraid of losing people. Again, if a child was lied to that their other parent abandoned them, they develop less trust in people as they think people will abandon them just like one of their parents. 

3. It makes a child develop a negative self image. Alienating one parent and making a child believe that they were abandoned makes the child feel they are not good enough. They believe they must have done something wrong to be abandoned. They also think that it is their fault that the other parent is not in the picture. Little do they know the other parent has been denied access. They therefore develop low self esteem in the process which negatively affects their adult hood. 

4. A child develops anger and emotional pain. When a child is alienated from a parent especially a parent they knew so well, they start grieving like the typical grief of the loss of a loved one. You deny them any chance of phone calls or visiting their other parent. What does the child do? They start grieving the loss. In this process, they might exhibit anger, guilt, denial or other emotions related with loss. As they deal with this, they might be highly irritable and defiant ( that's when you start complaining as a parent that your teen is not listening or they're overly aggressive). 

5. Parental alienation leads to poor emotional and mental health outcomes. Alienating a child from their other parent because your relationship with the other parent has ended is emotionally abusive. For this reason, this child might develop all those outcomes that emotionally abused children develop. Self esteem issues, trust issues, codependency, people pleasing , anger, aggression, unhealthy sexual activities,  Behavior disorders like narcism, substance abuse, suicidal ideation. 

If you really care about your children, you would not alienate them from their other parent. Let them have a relationship with the other parent and form an opinion of their own about them. Don't force the relationship though. Just do not deny the other parent access to be in their children's life because they hurt you during your relationship. The child has nothing to do with it. They need their identify. Stop changing those birth certificates. Heal and move past the hurt. After all, even if you deny the children a relationship with the other parent, you can't drain their blood out. 

If you're alienating a child from their other parent, you're an ABUSER. Even if you have money and you buy them everything, you're still an ABUSIVE PARENT. 

#LetsEndChildAbuse 

#joyinsights

Child neglect while still providing.

 Neglected yet provided for. 

Most of the times we tend to think that all we should do as parents is to provide for our children. Parents focus on the basic néeds like food, clothing, shelter, education and healthcare. However, this is not what all a child needs from their parents. You can provide all these basic needs but still neglect your children. 

How can you be a provider yet neglect your children?? By abandoning their emotional needs. Children needs are not only physical and financial but also emotional. Children deserve their parents to meet their emotional needs by showing affection, caring, listening, praising them, validating their pain and spending time together. 

However, parents have neglected the emotional needs of children as they try to provide for other basic needs. Some parents rarely spend time together with their children. They are never there to listen to them or show affection. All they do is provide and conclude that they are the best parents. How can you connect emotionally with your child when you're never available??

Take for example, you're a parent. You wake up very early to go to work and leave your kids sleeping. In the evening, you come home so late while they are already asleep. During the weekends you're busy with church or work team building activities. Tell me, when do you spend time with those children in your house?? The house manager helps them do their homework, complete their projects. She is the one who listens to them about how school was. Don't you see you're delegating the most important part of parenthood??

Studies show that emotional neglect  has far reaching negative effects than child abuse. This means that emotional neglect is a form of childhood abuse only that it is not physical. Reason being, you're abandoning their emotional needs which determine their mental health outcomes. 

Most adults are struggling today since they were emotionally neglected as children. They were only provided for. That is why you'll find most individuals having a hard time forming healthy social relationships. Others have a hard time managing their anger as no one taught them to manage frustrations. 

I am not saying you neglect providing basic needs your children so that you can spend all your time with children. You need to balance. As long as you're intentional and you want the best outcomes for your children in future , you will find a way to make time for your children. Be there for them to share their frustrations and achievements. Let them know you're there for them. 

Do not be a provider yet an emotionally neglectful parent! You'll be worse than an abusive parent. Be intentional and balance your time.

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Trainer