A potential boyfriend wanted me to bleach my skin: Understanding compensation defense mechanism

 

I just ran into this photo as I was just going through my gallery. This photo was taken back in 2013. That's Like a decade ago. I had to remember this was me😂 . Anyway, seeing this photo made me remember so many experiences I had when I was being welcomed to the world out here after completing highschool and moving out of my parent's home. 

I remembered one particular experience that I thought I should share it here. There was this guy who thought I was old enough to be his wife. I guess he was in his fourth year campus at the time. So he told me, I am beautiful to his standards. However, there was something he wanted me to adjust so that I could become the perfect girl for him. You can imagine someone telling you that "you're beautiful, But....." The word BUT disqualifies anything the person had said no matter how well one tries to put it. 

His issue was that he wanted me to bleach my skin and become as brown as Rihanna. He said that I was brown but not the brown he liked for he saw that I was somehow chocolate. He said he was willing to pay for everything that the process would require. He added that since I was already "chocolate" the process would not be a struggle compared to a dark person bleaching. All this time I was just looking at him. I had never been disgusted by a person that much. Mind you the guy was as dark as "just before dawn" Like dark dark. 

In my mind I was like "why don't you get the Rihanna brown type of lady instead of all this struggles? Why can't you bleach your skin instead and leave dark ladies alone? Anyway, I told him I couldn't meet his demands he should continue with his search. Again, I was still so young then. I did "Block and Delete" and that was all. There was nothing for me to think about then as I never had any complexion issues growing up. I think brown girls would be considered beautiful among peers so on matters complexion I had no esteem issues. So that incident came as a shocker to me. 

Now coming to think of it after I have acquired the knowledge of how emotionally wounded individuals compensate for the areas they feel they have failed, I understood where that person was coming from. 

COMPENSATION is a defense mechanism where a person is unconsciously desperate to overachieve in one area as compensation of failures in another. It is a psychological strategy that a person uses to disguise their inadequacies, stresses and frustrations. The defense mechanism has negative effects as it does not help the individual heal the root of their struggles but only protects them from the anxiety and what they feel is a threat to their sense of self. 

Using the analogy of my experience with that person, I realize that he had feelings of inadequacy with his dark complexion. He might have been bullied as a child for being that dark. He might therefore had grown up hating his complexion to a point that he would change it if he can. His defense mechanism was to compensate that feeling of inadequacy by being with an extremely brown lady. He would not feel complete until he is with such a woman. Compensation is risky in such a situation as the person may overlook other necessary qualities in a person as long as he satisfies his sense of self with a compensation of a partner with a complexion opposite from his.

This is what happens when a person does not heal their childhood traumas. They spend their life compensating for what they never had in childhood. Unless one addresses the root of their struggles, they live compensating and never get satisfied. As painful as it might be, one must be intentional and address their wounds inflicted in them growing up. 

Again, parents should make sure that they are emotionally available to their children. Providing an emotional safe place for children whereby they do not feel inadequate due to things they cannot change. This prevents a child from growing up wounded and end up struggling as an adult. 

Are you compensating an area you grew up feeling inadequate?

Heal and our future generations will be less wounded. 

#joyinsights

I was made to sign an abstinence commitment card: Teaching teenagers abstinence

 

Back in 2003, when I was in class 5, there was this NGO that was doing awareness on teenage sex. So they had a conference and they required I think 3 representatives from our school. I thought the conference needed to be attended by class 7 and 8 girls (who were physically big)  but the teacher in charge just chose me anyway together with other two girls one from class 7 and the other class 8. 

The conference was happening in a place called Kolping Conference Center in Kilimambogo. We were to spend two nights there and three days. Let me tell you,😆 When we first got to the hotel, I was somehow out of place for I was so small. All the other girls from other schools there were big...they had breasts but my chest was flat😅 . 

When we were given our rooms, that was the first time I saw a shower 🚿. I was like, "so here people shower in the rain?" Then the breakfast.... It was my first time to eat sausages ( where else would I have gotten sausages from in the village?" I couldn't believe that I was supposed to serve myself sausages, bread with butter. Lunch would be chicken. Anyway, the food was so good then. 

Now the part that I still think about even today about the conference, is the last day in that training. We had learnt alot about abstinence and waiting for marriage to have sex (we were told that virginity is a flower and one should never let any boy deflower them for it is a special gift for the husband on the wedding night).  So to crown  it all, we were given some light blue cards. 

The card read;  I __________, Infront of my friends and family, do swear and make the commitment  that I will abstain from sex untill marriage.  Signed 

One was supposed to fill their name on the blank space and sign at the end. I signed the card . Then I kept the card safely when I went home. I guess that was my first important document 😆.  

Please don't ask me whether I kept that commitment 🤐

Anyway, looking at the current state, teenage sex is happening like never before. How are we teaching our girls abstinence?  Are we telling them that they need to wait for the right time to have sex? Do we talk about it? Or do we let the girls get all kind of information out there about using emergency pills and contraceptives? Are we teaching our girls to take charge of their bodies and be responsible of how they let others treat them? 

It's the high Time we let teenagers know that there's time for everything and for them is to grow and study. I always feel sad when I see a teenager's education stalled due to a pregnancy and when you dig deeper you find that she had no any guidance. Do not feel shy talking to your teenager about sex and it's consequences.

 Why are you even shy talking about something that you do? If you can't, call me I will gladly do it for you. 

Let's take care of our teenagers

#joyinsights

How to handle a child who throws tantrums in a public place

 

You are with your 6 year old or below in the supermarket. You shop everything you wanted and maybe a snack for the little one. 

Now the Little person decides that you have to buy what he wants. Maybe he picks a very expensive toy or a snack and your budget does not allow that. You tell the kid you have no money at the moment but he won't hear none of it. 

To compel you to buy, the kid starts throwing tantrums rolling on the floor and crying uncontrollably. 

All eyes are on you waiting to see your next move. You're now embarrassed. You can't control the tantrums. To save yourself from the embarrassment, you decide to buy what the kid wanted. You even return some of the necessities you had bought since the money ain't enough. 

You buy the item and the kid calms down. All the while, the kid was observing. The tantrums were a way of testing you. He wanted to see what you can do. What have you done? 

You have enabled bad behavior. Shouting, rolling, screaming, throwing things is negative behavior that you wouldn't want your child to have. If you buy what he wanted after the kid does all this bad behavior, you are encouraging him to keep doing bad behavior since it's rewarding. 

Everytime the kid wants something, they will do something bad so that you reward them. 

You would rather get embarrassed than reward bad behavior. If the child screams and the whole supermarket is looking at you, do not be embarrassed, it's your child. Just pay and leave with the kid crying. You have done nothing wrong. The kid will just forget few steps away from the shop. 

From there, you can explain to them why you did not buy the item. Let them know screaming and rolling is bad and cannot be rewarded. 

The next time you go to the shop, the kid will not roll nor scream since he knows that my mom or dad won't buy something just because I am crying. That's how the brain of children work.

Whatever you reward is repeated, what you don't reward is suppressed. 

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach 

Why you should listen to your child's NO.

Do you ever listen to your child when they say NO?

Parents are the first agents of socialization for a developing child. The parent help the child learn about the world around them. However, as children grow older, they start expressing how they feel. 

However, some parents want to force everything to their children even when children disagree. Children have bodies too. Those bodies are like those of an adult. The body can feel when hungry? When they need to pee, when it is cold, when it is hot,  etc. 

Some parents will force children do things when their body is telling them otherwise. You will see a parent forcing a child to go to the toilet when the child does not feel the urge. You will see parents forcefeeding a child after they fail to finish all the food. The child will beg but the parent will hear none of it. 

What does this do to a child? They develop negative view of the thing they're are forced to do when their body says otherwise. A girl can be Force fed when young and later develop eating disorders in adulthood for they never formed a positive relationship with food. 

Again, a child whose parents do not listen to them when they say no (when it is necessary), they might grow never to be assertive. They can be corced to do anything by other adults. You will see a girl giving in to sexual advances from a man even when she does not want it. Why? She grew up knowing that her feelings do not matter and she should agree to whatever she is told even when she does not have to. 

Ask yourself, is it always your way or the highway with your children??

#joyinsights

Did you hug your parents growing up?: Why physical touch is important in child development.

 

There is something I have come to learn about some of my agemates or people born in the 80s and the 90s especially in the village set up. There are some adults right now who say they have never hugged their mother or father. 

Why is that? Parents then had no time for such affectionate touch. When it came to parent child relationships, it was all work or beatings (especially the bitter parents). 

What does this expose a child to later in life as adults? Some adults may grow to be less attracted to physically connecting with others for they never experienced it in childhood. 

Others may live the rest of their life yearning for physical touch from other adults. If they do not get it, they might feel rejected as the absence of touch is a form of rejection to them. 

There are those people who still see hugging and giving your kids pecks is a thing of the west. 

As a Matter of fact, it is a need to children. Infants navigate the world around them through touch. An infant will cry when no one is holding her/him for they feel abandoned. When a person picks them up, they stop crying. Why is that? Touch brings a sense of safety to children. 

Children feel loved when they are often hugged by their parents. They develop self confidence and a positive outlook in life. 

If you fail to give your child a hug, do not go wild when they become adolescents and your daughter start looking for such touches somewhere else. 

Did your parents give you hugs when you were growing up? 

Have you ever hugged your parents? 

Are you hugging your kids now?

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage Mentor

Why you should not ask your children to keep secrets

 

Our little secret.

There are instances you hear parents tell their children. "Shut your big mouth!" . Apparently the child might have talked about some embarrassing things about their parents or home. Parents fight and the child goes to school or the neighborhood and tells all about it. When the parents find out, they tell the child "Do not talk about our issues out there" Those are our family secrets and should not get out! 

Some parents will do something with the children and warn them against telling the other parent. Like "Do not tell your mother we did this" "Do not tell your father we did this or this happened" 

How sick is that! If you want your child not to embarrass you out there, do not do things you would not want people to know as kids watch. This will save you the struggle of teaching children how to keep secrets. As much as you might think it is not serious, You are bringing up a child who will keep secrets even from you the parents! 

Imagine a girl who has been taught to keep secrets by the parents gets sexually abused by a relative or any person close to them. Child sex abusers always tell them not to tell anyone about what they do. The girl will be told "Do not tell your mom we did this. It's our little secret." "If you do, I will beat you or I will not be bringing you presents" Do you think that child will ever tell?? The child has already been taught by the parents that keeping secrets is okay. 

Children need to know that keeping secrets from their parents or guardians is wrong. Let them tell you everything that happened to them during their Normal day away from you. Do not ask them to lie or keep a secret. If there's something you want to be kept a secret, keep it away from the kids but do not burden them with keeping secrets! 

#intentionalparenting 

#joyinsights

How emotional availability looks like

 

When we were growing up, there's a method that adults used when a child accidentally fell or hurt themselves. When a child would fall,  you would hear the parent or the adult around tell another "Do not look at the child so that he/she does not cry" . 

You would find a parent completely ignore a child who have hurt their knee or any part of the body just because they are trying to refrain the child from crying. How inhuman is this!!

When a child is hurt, the first thing they look for is comfort from the immediate caregiver. The child is communicating a message that "I have hurt myself and I need you to tell me that am gonna be okay" . The child is looking for attention and assurance that it is just an accident and they are going to heal. 

However, the parents of the time and before decided that the best thing is to ignore a hurting child so that they don't cry. What is wrong with crying when hurt? Why should a child refrain their emotions while they are hurting? If the child falls and cries, that is the natural thing to do. The adult then comes in to comfort the child and they're reassured and will naturally stop crying. 

When a child is hurt accidentally, the natural thing to do as a parent is to let them know you acknowledge they're hurt. Tell the child "sorry you hurt yourself." Then reassure the child they will be okay. You can tell the child, "rest for sometime the pain will subside." Enquire to know how much they are hurt. Ask "where does it hurt?" It shows the child you're emotionally available for them. 

What happens when you constantly ignore your child's genuine pain? You are raising a child who will become emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people have difficulties expressing their own emotions or handling other people's emotions. 

Emotionally unavailable people invalidate the feelings of others. They feel other people are being too emotional or sensitive to non issues. However, people's feelings are valid. Everyone has a right to feel what they are supposed to be feeling at a particular time.

Emotionally unavailable people won't realize when they are hurting others. It is not their fault. Their pain was ignored as they were growing up. 

Let's embrace attending to our children's pain. When your child's falls, trips, or is in a slight accident, you should be the first to tell them "sorry".  Do not ignore a child who is hurting If you want to raise an emotionally healthy child. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor