I just ran into this photo as I was just going through my gallery. This photo was taken back in 2013. That's Like a decade ago. I had to remember this was me😂 . Anyway, seeing this photo made me remember so many experiences I had when I was being welcomed to the world out here after completing highschool and moving out of my parent's home.
I remembered one particular experience that I thought I should share it here. There was this guy who thought I was old enough to be his wife. I guess he was in his fourth year campus at the time. So he told me, I am beautiful to his standards. However, there was something he wanted me to adjust so that I could become the perfect girl for him. You can imagine someone telling you that "you're beautiful, But....." The word BUT disqualifies anything the person had said no matter how well one tries to put it.
His issue was that he wanted me to bleach my skin and become as brown as Rihanna. He said that I was brown but not the brown he liked for he saw that I was somehow chocolate. He said he was willing to pay for everything that the process would require. He added that since I was already "chocolate" the process would not be a struggle compared to a dark person bleaching. All this time I was just looking at him. I had never been disgusted by a person that much. Mind you the guy was as dark as "just before dawn" Like dark dark.
In my mind I was like "why don't you get the Rihanna brown type of lady instead of all this struggles? Why can't you bleach your skin instead and leave dark ladies alone? Anyway, I told him I couldn't meet his demands he should continue with his search. Again, I was still so young then. I did "Block and Delete" and that was all. There was nothing for me to think about then as I never had any complexion issues growing up. I think brown girls would be considered beautiful among peers so on matters complexion I had no esteem issues. So that incident came as a shocker to me.
Now coming to think of it after I have acquired the knowledge of how emotionally wounded individuals compensate for the areas they feel they have failed, I understood where that person was coming from.
COMPENSATION is a defense mechanism where a person is unconsciously desperate to overachieve in one area as compensation of failures in another. It is a psychological strategy that a person uses to disguise their inadequacies, stresses and frustrations. The defense mechanism has negative effects as it does not help the individual heal the root of their struggles but only protects them from the anxiety and what they feel is a threat to their sense of self.
Using the analogy of my experience with that person, I realize that he had feelings of inadequacy with his dark complexion. He might have been bullied as a child for being that dark. He might therefore had grown up hating his complexion to a point that he would change it if he can. His defense mechanism was to compensate that feeling of inadequacy by being with an extremely brown lady. He would not feel complete until he is with such a woman. Compensation is risky in such a situation as the person may overlook other necessary qualities in a person as long as he satisfies his sense of self with a compensation of a partner with a complexion opposite from his.
This is what happens when a person does not heal their childhood traumas. They spend their life compensating for what they never had in childhood. Unless one addresses the root of their struggles, they live compensating and never get satisfied. As painful as it might be, one must be intentional and address their wounds inflicted in them growing up.
Again, parents should make sure that they are emotionally available to their children. Providing an emotional safe place for children whereby they do not feel inadequate due to things they cannot change. This prevents a child from growing up wounded and end up struggling as an adult.
Are you compensating an area you grew up feeling inadequate?
Heal and our future generations will be less wounded.
#joyinsights
I applaud you for the courage and confidence you displayed in dealing with this brother; your parents did a good job raising you. It was his loss indeed! God created us as beautiful and unique individual and for all His creation, He exclaimed, "it was good"!
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