Parental Alienation

So I have severally got this request from men to talk about their predicament of being denied a chance to be in their children's life once their relationship with a woman goes south. Others want to know what they can do to access their kids without drama by the other parent. I also have a community of women who have been denied a chance to be with their children after the relationship with the men they married or dated went south. Why does this happen??

One parent decides to turn children against the other parent because they cannot separate their personal feelings with the needs of the child. If your relationship or marriage does not work, how does a child come in? You can go your separate ways but leave the child out of your ego and drama. Separating a child from the other parent for whatever reason is called parental alienation. 

PARENTAL ALIENATION is the situation where one parent manipulates a child to distance themselves from the other parent by undermining or interfering the relationship of the child with the targeted parent. Parental alienation occurs when the manipulative parent cannot separate their conflict with the other parent with the needs of the child. Alienation does not only occur between separated parents. It can also happen with parents living under the same roof. 

So, what are the common forms of parental alienation??

1. Limiting contact of a child with the targeted parents (This happens when a parent denies phone calls, runs away without trace or any other means to limit contact). 

2. Badmouthing the other parent while directly addressing the kids or doing it in the presence of the kids ( this goes to those parents who tell their children that their other parent abandoned them, is a deadbeat, or any negative thing about the other parent). Did the child ask you?? Even if they asked?  Why not say positive things?  

3. Forcing the child to refuse affection of the other parent  (I have heard of some parents who force kids to throw away things bought by the other parent) 

4.  Trying to show the child that the other parent is dangerous ( if the parent is a real danger to the child, there are appropriate authorities to handle that. Not in your place to determine). 

5. Trying all efforts to erase the other parent from the child' s life ( Like lying to the child that their other parent is dead or you have no idea where they are while in real sense you do, or editing the birth certificate to erase the name of the other parent) seriously, what's wrong with a child having the name of their other parent on the birth certificate???

6. Creating an impression that the other parent is not caring ( Telling them that other other parent is a deadbeat, telling them they're abandoned and you're raising them singlehandedly.... Who asked you????)

7. Talking ill of the other parent's extended family. 

8. Forcing a child to choose sides by threats or withdrawal of affection. 

You cannot force a child to hate someone. Children are naturally not loyal to any parent. If you see them loyal to you and hateful towards the other, they're manipulated. 

Parental alienation has very adverse effects to a child 's emotional and mental health outcomes (will discuss this in a different post). 

Anyway, if you do any or all of the above for whatever reason, there's no other description for you. You're an ABUSIVE PARENT. Parental alienation is a form of child abuse. 

#joyinsights

What parental alienation does to a child

Providing material things is not the only provision a child needs from a parent. You might buy everything a child would need materially but still be abusive to them. This is what happens in parental alienation. You provide everything to your child since you have money. But you deny them any relationship with their other parent! Can you see how abusive you are as a parent?? 

So, how does parental alienation affect a child? 

1. Parental alienation alters the healthy development of a child's identity. Every child is always curious to know their roots especially when they are raised by one parent. They yearn to know themselves better as they form an identity. Now if you're a parent raising a child alone and you lie to the child that their other parent died, that child might start identifying as half orphan. If other children are talking about their parents, the child might confidently defend to other kids that their other parent is dead that's why they live with one parent. Now imagine if the child grows older in teenage years and realizes the other parent is not dead?? You can imagine the level of acting out as they try to figure who they are. 

2. Parental alienation makes a child grow up having difficulties in forming healthy relationships. Mostly when a child is denied access to the other parent, they think they are the reason the parents are in conflict. They therefore grow having a hard time being their real self as they are afraid of losing people. Again, if a child was lied to that their other parent abandoned them, they develop less trust in people as they think people will abandon them just like one of their parents. 

3. It makes a child develop a negative self image. Alienating one parent and making a child believe that they were abandoned makes the child feel they are not good enough. They believe they must have done something wrong to be abandoned. They also think that it is their fault that the other parent is not in the picture. Little do they know the other parent has been denied access. They therefore develop low self esteem in the process which negatively affects their adult hood. 

4. A child develops anger and emotional pain. When a child is alienated from a parent especially a parent they knew so well, they start grieving like the typical grief of the loss of a loved one. You deny them any chance of phone calls or visiting their other parent. What does the child do? They start grieving the loss. In this process, they might exhibit anger, guilt, denial or other emotions related with loss. As they deal with this, they might be highly irritable and defiant ( that's when you start complaining as a parent that your teen is not listening or they're overly aggressive). 

5. Parental alienation leads to poor emotional and mental health outcomes. Alienating a child from their other parent because your relationship with the other parent has ended is emotionally abusive. For this reason, this child might develop all those outcomes that emotionally abused children develop. Self esteem issues, trust issues, codependency, people pleasing , anger, aggression, unhealthy sexual activities,  Behavior disorders like narcism, substance abuse, suicidal ideation. 

If you really care about your children, you would not alienate them from their other parent. Let them have a relationship with the other parent and form an opinion of their own about them. Don't force the relationship though. Just do not deny the other parent access to be in their children's life because they hurt you during your relationship. The child has nothing to do with it. They need their identify. Stop changing those birth certificates. Heal and move past the hurt. After all, even if you deny the children a relationship with the other parent, you can't drain their blood out. 

If you're alienating a child from their other parent, you're an ABUSER. Even if you have money and you buy them everything, you're still an ABUSIVE PARENT. 

#LetsEndChildAbuse 

#joyinsights

Child neglect while still providing.

 Neglected yet provided for. 

Most of the times we tend to think that all we should do as parents is to provide for our children. Parents focus on the basic néeds like food, clothing, shelter, education and healthcare. However, this is not what all a child needs from their parents. You can provide all these basic needs but still neglect your children. 

How can you be a provider yet neglect your children?? By abandoning their emotional needs. Children needs are not only physical and financial but also emotional. Children deserve their parents to meet their emotional needs by showing affection, caring, listening, praising them, validating their pain and spending time together. 

However, parents have neglected the emotional needs of children as they try to provide for other basic needs. Some parents rarely spend time together with their children. They are never there to listen to them or show affection. All they do is provide and conclude that they are the best parents. How can you connect emotionally with your child when you're never available??

Take for example, you're a parent. You wake up very early to go to work and leave your kids sleeping. In the evening, you come home so late while they are already asleep. During the weekends you're busy with church or work team building activities. Tell me, when do you spend time with those children in your house?? The house manager helps them do their homework, complete their projects. She is the one who listens to them about how school was. Don't you see you're delegating the most important part of parenthood??

Studies show that emotional neglect  has far reaching negative effects than child abuse. This means that emotional neglect is a form of childhood abuse only that it is not physical. Reason being, you're abandoning their emotional needs which determine their mental health outcomes. 

Most adults are struggling today since they were emotionally neglected as children. They were only provided for. That is why you'll find most individuals having a hard time forming healthy social relationships. Others have a hard time managing their anger as no one taught them to manage frustrations. 

I am not saying you neglect providing basic needs your children so that you can spend all your time with children. You need to balance. As long as you're intentional and you want the best outcomes for your children in future , you will find a way to make time for your children. Be there for them to share their frustrations and achievements. Let them know you're there for them. 

Do not be a provider yet an emotionally neglectful parent! You'll be worse than an abusive parent. Be intentional and balance your time.

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Trainer

How to say NO to a child but still remain loving to them

Imagine your child demanding you buy them something not good for them or you cannot afford just because it's the new flex in town, will you give in to the pressure or will you explain to them why it's not right and say No?? 

The most scariest part of parenting is shifting of power from being the ultimate decision maker to listening to what your child wants. Mostly when a child is below 5 years, the parent is the ultimate decision maker. However,  when a child gets to around the age of 10, they start to assert themselves and show the parent that they are different from them (which is true). 

The reason why you see your 9 or 10 year old asserting themselves is because they are spending more time with their peers. The peers' families might be living a different kind of lifestyle. The child can also understand most of the things happening around them as their cognitive development is almost that of a teenager.  There are those children who are ready to assert themselves whether it causes conflict or not. This is the stage that the child starts to go against your principles. Giving in to all your child's demands is not helping. You're just escaping a conflict by covering a problem that will escalate to a wound in the long run. 

The question is ; How do you stand your ground as a parent and remain loving to the child?? 

1. Be firm but understanding. Standing your ground as a parent does not need to look like it's dictatorship to your child. It should be a process of showing the child that you understand their frustration but stick to your No. Let them know that your refusal is based on the love you have for them. (For instance, if your 10 year old wants a personal smart phone like one of his friends and you believe it is not the right time for them and you don't have the resources to afford it. Tell them you understand they feel bad and are worried because their friends have it. But let them know that families are different that is why in your house it remains to be No. Because you believe it's not the right time and there is no resources to afford the same.)

2. Never be afraid or guilty to say No. 

Getting used to disappointment is a necessary part of growing up. When a child knows that they cannot get what they always feel they need is a way of strengthening their self esteem. You might think that giving in to all your child's unrealistic demands is a way of making them happy. However , you're teaching them that happiness is out of material possessions and getting everything they please. How will they survive in adulthood when no one gives them what they want? Be assertive and don't feel guilty as long as it's in the best interest of the child. 

3. Be flexible on the small stuff. 

Not all times a parent should dictate what their children do. Some of the requests we deny our children are not in any way harmful to them but you have a different opinion about them. So don't always say no when it wouldn't even make sense to the child as you cannot explain it. Be flexible on the small stuff but let them know you're not okay with it. Let them choose the outfit to wear without you dictating. Let them hang out with friends they like but point out those you believe are a bad influence based on some facts that you show them. They're actually exploring and experimenting. Before you know it, they will like something different. 

You're the parent. When a time comes to stand your ground,. Do it unapologetically. Let children know that life is not all about YES. Don't just let your child come home late because you want to make them happy. Don't buy everything they want because you want them to love you or to enjoy everything you never had a chance to enjoy. When it is reasonable, Say No to their demands. If you give in to all their demands, you will raise an entitled child who can't handle disappointment. What will happen when they fail in interviews? What will happen when they work in high pressure corporations? How will they handle organizations rules and regulations when they grew up making the rules in your house? 

Be loving, caring and  emotionally available but stand your ground when necessary. Say No but make sure you explain it in a loving way. Don't yell and don't beat up the child when you're disappointing them. 

#joyinsights

Dissociation: why teenagers commit suicide

Teenage suicide cases are on the rise. Children as young as 8 years are commiting suicide. Parents are wondering where they are exactly going wrong. 

Here is one of the psychological explanation of suicide or how a teenager can get to decide to self harm through suicide. First, it is good to understand that suicide is a reaction or tragic response to emotional distress where one feels extremely helpless. There must be something that is bothering a teenager to an extent that they feel they need to escape from the traumatic experience. 

Teenagers will always have issues they're struggling with. It is a very difficult stage for every child as they seek to understand themselves as they transition to adulthood. They might be struggling with bullies, negative body image, peer influence, academic performance..... Now, how they react to these emotional struggles is shaped in their childhood. Some may be withdrawn, others become aggressive while others engage in self harming behavior like self mutilation or suicide. 

Let us focus on the teenagers who engage in self harming behaviours (like those teenagers who cut their wrists when stressed) and those who committ suicide. Inflicting extreme pain on the body is a trauma coping mechanism. A person who uses self pain inflicting behavior to deal with emotional struggles feels releived after they hurt their bodies. A person who attempts suicide believes that physical death will take their pain, trauma or emotional distress away. 

But why would a person especially a teenager feel good hurting their body? This is where dissociation comes in. DISSOCIATION is a situation where a person feels cut off from their body. A person feels their body from outside rather than feeling physically inside themselves. (Feeling like your body is not part of you but an outside entity). When a person is dissociated from their body, it is very comfortable for them to self mutilate or commit suicide. (After all the body is not an important part of them). 

Why do teenagers dissociate from their bodies?? One of the major reasons for bodily dissociation is physical punishment or use of violence as punishment during childhood. Remember hitting a child leads to trauma (from the pain) and not better behavior. If a child behaves better when hit, they are behaving that way out of trauma but not because they have learnt good behavior. 

Therefore, when a child is exposed to violence especially the first seven years of development, they might dissociate from their bodies. They might feel that their bodies are not part of them. They start feeling that their bodies are an outside entity that deserves being beaten and feeling pain all the time. They might even end up not valuing the body. So when a parent beats their child for everything every day for the better part of childhood to adolescent, the child will DISSOCIATE (trauma response). 

A teenager with dissociation can comfortably mutilate their wrists or commit suicide. 

Therefore, when we see our teenagers commiting suicide, let's not say that they're not being beaten enough. They're doing it since they have been beaten too much until they perceive their bodies as not part of them. 

Let's not blame the devil and demons. It all comes down to childhood experiences. Don't say they need prayers. They need parents who are not traumatizing them. 

Let's teach our children that their Bodies are important. Let's teach them that their bodies don't deserve intentional pain. Let's teach them that their bodies are sacred. How do you do this? Stop beating them! 

When a teen knows that their body is sacred, they cannot self mutilate or commit suicide since they love their body too much. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Trainer

Children have bad days: They're human too

Do you sometimes wake up feeling tired, sluggish, less patient or highly irritable?? You spend your day at your workplace or business feeling this way? You're probably having a bad day.

 When you have a bad day, you might find yourself colliding with people or getting into arguments. You might also decide to be withdrawn such that you do not need anything to do with your colleagues. It's part of being human. 

Now let's focus on children. Just like adults, children have bad days. There are days when your child is highly irritable. They don't seem to listen to anything you're trying to tell them while other days they're amazing. A child may also throw tantrums or meltdowns in such days. If you're a keen parent, you can tell your child is just having a bad day and not being defiant. 

Many are the times when children get punished in such days. Punishing a kid who is just having a bad day makes them feel like their feelings are invalidated. They feel alone as no one understands them which only worsens their situation. Again, why punish a child for being human just like you?? 

Many are the times when parents punish children for things they cannot adhere to themselves. This means that the parent wants their child to be perfect when they are far from perfect themselves. How would you feel being punished for being human? Imagine that feeling to a child?;

Getting over a bad day for children requires Patience from the parent. The more you extend grace, the more the child will be out of the situation fast. Again, the child will feel secure as their feelings are validated. 

Children are human too. 

How well do you know your child such that you can tell when they have a bad day? 

What do you do when you notice your child is having a bad day?

#joyinsights

How parents kill the confidence of their children unknowingly.

Those of us born in the 80s and 90s, are familiar with the kind of uniform our parents would buy for us. Girls would be bought a very big long dress and the boys a very long and baggy short. The argument by the parents was that the child would "grow into it"😂.  Y'all know how embarrassing those big clothes were. 

Now I was a victim of the same when I was joining form one. I went to the uniform shop accompanied by my brother. At the shop, I fitted the skirts there. One of the skirts was exactly my size. I loved it. However, I was told that the skirt is too tight so the shopkeeper had to look for a bigger size. Then boom, I was given a bigger size. It was paid for and I was told that it is the best for me. I went home that day downhearted. 

On the admission day, I prayed for the earth to swallow me, I felt so embarrassed with that big skirt. As you walk it would make some funny noise 😭. I kept looking at other girls' skirts and how fitting they were. Only a few had such big sizes. I felt so bad that I was supposed to handle the questions from my former primary school classmates who thought I would not end up in a local day school but a national school and still handle the embarrassment of some making fun of my big skirt. I preferred to be sited most of the time so that I don't have to walk around in that big skirt. 

I waited for the weekend and since I had some money, I secretly went to a tailor not so far from our home and had the skirt reduced to my size. I knew no one would notice any change as I used to go to school very early and after school I would come direct to the house and remove the uniform. I was now more confident walking. I was even comfortable to lead with some hymnals in the assembly. 

Now using that analogy, sometimes parents kill the confidence of their children without knowing and think they are doing the best for them. Children ain't robots. They are humans who deserve to be heard if one wants to raise healthy confident kids. 

So how do parents kill the confidence of their children? 

1. Comparing their children to others when trying to make them change. You might find a parent telling their kid that they are failing at something that their friends can comfortably do. This kills the confidence of a child and they grow thinking that others are better than them hence might keep on comparing themselves to others whom they think are better than them. 

2. Trying to achieve your failed dreams through your children. This is something that I have heard people my age complain about. They did courses that their parents forced them to. A parent may have wanted to be a doctor and since they were never taken to school, they decide they will compensate by forcing their child to be the doctor. In real sense, that child has a different kind of dream different from what the parents want. The child is deprived confidence as they believe that their opinion and dreams don't matter and they have to live pleasing their parents. (If you feel you failed at something... Just go back to school and be whatever you wanted to be and let your child follow their dreams.)

3.  Forcing them to do something they do not want to. Here am not talking about being permissive of disobedience or  not following rules. There are instances where a parent forces their child to be taken a photo, visit a particular relative they don't like, join the debating club when the child is talented in athletics, wear a certain clothing... Such like scenarios. It is good to listen to what a child wants and why they do not want to engage in a particular activity. If a child does not want to do something and it has nothing to do with bad behavior, let them be. It helps them feel you believe in them and you trust their decisions. 

4. Trying to do things that your child can do on their own. As much as you might be running out of patience, let your child do the things they are capable of doing on their own. They might be slow especially the young ones but it builds their confidence. The child learns not to depend on you. 

5. Speaking for them. There is a certain age that a child should be allowed to speak for themselves. You don't have to be your child's voice all along. Let them speak for themselves in situations they feel uncomfortable.  (For instance, if your child needs to be absent from school for a reason, if they're old enough, let them go and explain themselves to the teacher why they want to be absent.) Being the voice of your child throughout their development makes them more dependent and less confident. 

The world we are living in is cruel especially with cyber bullying being the order of the day among teens and youths. We need emotionally healthy kids to handle such cruelty. To raise emotionally healthy kids, we have to make sure that their confidence is never killed. Let kids know they can make sound decisions, let them know they can be their own voice in uncomfortable situations, let them know they don't have to be dependent. Let them know the parents believe in them. 

Let's raise an emotionally healthy generation.

#joyinsights

Are you religious or spiritual? Your children are not.

 How do you teach your children Religion or spirituality? 

Some years back, there was a time I used to facilitate bible study discussions with early teens in church. Teens between 13-16 years (In SDA, the age group is called "Realtime") I liked interacting with that age group considering am professionally trained to teach students of that age group. They're inquisitive while other times they can just decide to look at you talking 😆

Anyway, there is this day. I think we were discussing about justice and how God is just with people. Then came the question time. One boy asked "How can we say God is just while all he has done in the bible is be a terrorist??" I was like, A what? I asked him to explain. He told me how he had been serious about studying the Bible and he found alot of terrorism by God in the old testament. He gave an example which by the look of things he sounded hurt and so passionate. 

He said that it seemed to him like terrorism how Egyptian first born sons died so that the Israelites could be freed. He said that there might be a family in Egypt with only one son, who had no idea who Pharaoh was, lived in poverty, but had to lose their only son just because God was showing his power to Pharaoh. He said he imagined how women were wailing in the morning finding out their sons are dead because of something they had nothing to do with. So his question was, why would God punish innocent children and yet we say God loves Children? Why would God not punish Pharaoh alone? Again, God wanted to kill those children as, he quoted Exodus 9:12 (But the Lord hardened pharaoh's heart that he could not listen to Moses or Aaron....). The boy said only terrorists kill innocent people for political agenda or power struggles. The boy also asked why do christians even celebrate the Passover while innocent children died that day??  

The point is, Teenagers give zero chills when it comes to teaching them religion or spirituality. They don't just buy the threats of burning in hell or the promise of heaven. They ask real questions. Well thought questions after they have done their research. That's why defiance about religion and changing religious beliefs starts in teenage years. 

The question is, are you a religious parent? If you're not affiliated to any Religion, are you spiritual (do you believe in a higher power than yourself)? If you are, most of the time parents like passing their religion and spirituality to their children as that is viewed as the ideal. However, to impart beliefs in a higher power beyond reason might not always be easy when it comes to children. They will have to ask tough questions. Especially if you're the shallow kind of a believer who depends on their pastor to tell them what they believe in. If you can't explain your religion, why would you even teach it to your children. 

The world is diverse. There are about 10,000 religions in the world. Each of them follow distinct practices and values. There are also those who believe in other higher powers like the gods of their ancestors and the like. 

As a parent, if you have to teach your child your religion, you can't afford to be vague. I hear Muslims start classes for children when they're very young. For christians, they sometime seem vague to this generation. They just sell fear to children about heaven and hell. Which leaves the child with so many questions. If the child happens to read the bible and interpret it as a literature book, you'll get real questions that you will find you have been overlooking for years and the pastor never preaches on it. 

Religion and spirituality is a personal choice. However, since most of us are religious and spiritual, we can't afford not to talk about it.

 

Are you religious or spiritual?

Parents, how do you make your child to believe in a supreme being? 

What things were you told about God growing up or any other supreme being that didn't make sense to you?  

What questions does your child ask you about God? 

#joyinsights

How children learn language

 Why you shouldn't Troll people who speak English with a "First Language" accent. 

I have seen people troll prominent individuals who speak English with a First language accent. I saw many people making fun on how the CJ would pronounce "elect" as "erect" . Among other educated prominent people who still struggle pronouncing English words without the interference of another accent. 

Let me educate you why this happens. According to a Naturalist theorist Noam  Chomsky, children are born with a Language Acquisition Device (LAD) . LAD is the innate ability of a child's brain to learn a language. Children are born with the natural ability to comprehend and organize grammatical rules of a language. This explains why it is so easy for a child to learn a native language without being taught. 

A child does not need to imitate people to learn a language (That is why a child raised by deaf parents can speak). They inherently have that ability. Just exposure to a language and the LAD makes it easy for them to learn. 

However , the ability to inherently learn a language decreases with age. Children can learn languages more naturally if they're exposed to those languages before the age of 16 to 18 years. However, to be completely fluent in a language, the language needs to be taught before the age of 10.

Back to the English with accent. Most people who were in school in the 60s 70s 80s especially local schools, started school late. A child is taken to school at the age of 8 or 10 and the only language they have been exposed to is their first language (vernacular) . They then go to a local school where the teachers used Native language. By the time English is introduced to them, they are beyond 10 years when the natural ability to learn language has decreased. So the English that they learn at this time will be highly affected by the language that they learnt when the LAD was strong. That's where they start incorporating the grammar of the first language to this new English they're learning. 

This is why most people who school in rural areas where teachers use vernacular in lower classes find themselves struggling with English pronunciation. However, those kids who are taken to private schools with diverse tribes have less issues with pronunciation. They're introduced to the English language early. The children become fluent English speakers despite their parents struggling with the same.

The same reason why those foreigners who try to learn Swahili sound funny to us. The same way your English will sound funny to a native English speaker if you learned the language in school. This is because, a child born of native English speakers is introduced to the language right at birth when the LAD is the most strong. 

Above all, English is just a language like your Native language. It is not a measure of intelligence or academic excellence. Even those prominent people we troll, they're are highly educated and others intelligent but struggle with this foreign language. 

Be proud of your language. Stop using English to measure the intellectual capacity of people. In Linguistics we say, NO LANGUAGE IS SUPERIOR!  EVERY LANGUAGE IS BEAUTIFUL!

#joyinsights

Negative effects of yelling at a child

Are you a yeller? You're either scary or hilarious. 

Many are the times that parents yell at children when they're in the wrong or not listening. Yelling is not an effective way of communication but an innefective reaction to anger. Shouting and screaming to a child is not an effective way to make them follow your instructions or stop bad behaviour. It just affects their healthy development. Here are some of the negative impacts of yelling

1. Yelling teaches children to react to anger in bad way. Yelling teaches a child when to yell, how to yell and yelling is the effective way to respond when you're emotionally charged. So a child who is yelled at all the time might start yelling at their peers when playing, teachers or other adults. As long as the child is upset, they feel they're justified to shout to people. 

2. Yelling scares most children. Yelling instills fear in children. The younger the child, the more fear they develop. Yelling puts a child in a state of fear which makes it impossible to think about their behavior. When you yell, the child will not learn the lesson you wanted to teach them but will instead learn how to fear. A fearful child grows up to be a fearful and anxious adult.

3. Yelling hinders the child from learning useful language expression. When yelling is constantly done to a child below the age of 3, they register it as part of language use. When angry they will not Express themselves in a better way when yelling is their model. (If mom and dad yells, why can't I do it?) They're too young to know whether it's wrong. 

4. It might not change defiant behavior as sometimes the parents sound hilarious. You have seen a parent shouting at children but they do not listen. They laugh it off or even start imitating the parent. Why, the shouting sounds funny to them. So they'll always want to be on the wrong so that the parent can tell and they get entertained. 

5. Yelling fuels low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Shouting at someone is demeaning and embarrassing. Children feel so bad when someone shouts at them Infront of their peers. They feel less valued. Might develop anxiety and eventually depression by feeling they cannot do anything right. 

If you're a parent and you're a yeller, you have issues in your anger management. Yelling is a response to anger. Your child does something that triggers you and since you don't have effective ways to react to anger, you yell at the child. 

You're the one wounded and not your child. Understand your triggers then come up with ways to calm yourself down when angry. Yelling won't calm you down. You're just transferring your trauma to an innocent child. 

Children only learn effectively when they're are instructed or corrected when the parent is not angry. Talk to your child when you're calm. Otherwise, they might learn to fear you and not good behavior. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Trainer/ Teenage Mentor

A potential boyfriend wanted me to bleach my skin: Understanding compensation defense mechanism

 

I just ran into this photo as I was just going through my gallery. This photo was taken back in 2013. That's Like a decade ago. I had to remember this was me😂 . Anyway, seeing this photo made me remember so many experiences I had when I was being welcomed to the world out here after completing highschool and moving out of my parent's home. 

I remembered one particular experience that I thought I should share it here. There was this guy who thought I was old enough to be his wife. I guess he was in his fourth year campus at the time. So he told me, I am beautiful to his standards. However, there was something he wanted me to adjust so that I could become the perfect girl for him. You can imagine someone telling you that "you're beautiful, But....." The word BUT disqualifies anything the person had said no matter how well one tries to put it. 

His issue was that he wanted me to bleach my skin and become as brown as Rihanna. He said that I was brown but not the brown he liked for he saw that I was somehow chocolate. He said he was willing to pay for everything that the process would require. He added that since I was already "chocolate" the process would not be a struggle compared to a dark person bleaching. All this time I was just looking at him. I had never been disgusted by a person that much. Mind you the guy was as dark as "just before dawn" Like dark dark. 

In my mind I was like "why don't you get the Rihanna brown type of lady instead of all this struggles? Why can't you bleach your skin instead and leave dark ladies alone? Anyway, I told him I couldn't meet his demands he should continue with his search. Again, I was still so young then. I did "Block and Delete" and that was all. There was nothing for me to think about then as I never had any complexion issues growing up. I think brown girls would be considered beautiful among peers so on matters complexion I had no esteem issues. So that incident came as a shocker to me. 

Now coming to think of it after I have acquired the knowledge of how emotionally wounded individuals compensate for the areas they feel they have failed, I understood where that person was coming from. 

COMPENSATION is a defense mechanism where a person is unconsciously desperate to overachieve in one area as compensation of failures in another. It is a psychological strategy that a person uses to disguise their inadequacies, stresses and frustrations. The defense mechanism has negative effects as it does not help the individual heal the root of their struggles but only protects them from the anxiety and what they feel is a threat to their sense of self. 

Using the analogy of my experience with that person, I realize that he had feelings of inadequacy with his dark complexion. He might have been bullied as a child for being that dark. He might therefore had grown up hating his complexion to a point that he would change it if he can. His defense mechanism was to compensate that feeling of inadequacy by being with an extremely brown lady. He would not feel complete until he is with such a woman. Compensation is risky in such a situation as the person may overlook other necessary qualities in a person as long as he satisfies his sense of self with a compensation of a partner with a complexion opposite from his.

This is what happens when a person does not heal their childhood traumas. They spend their life compensating for what they never had in childhood. Unless one addresses the root of their struggles, they live compensating and never get satisfied. As painful as it might be, one must be intentional and address their wounds inflicted in them growing up. 

Again, parents should make sure that they are emotionally available to their children. Providing an emotional safe place for children whereby they do not feel inadequate due to things they cannot change. This prevents a child from growing up wounded and end up struggling as an adult. 

Are you compensating an area you grew up feeling inadequate?

Heal and our future generations will be less wounded. 

#joyinsights

I was made to sign an abstinence commitment card: Teaching teenagers abstinence

 

Back in 2003, when I was in class 5, there was this NGO that was doing awareness on teenage sex. So they had a conference and they required I think 3 representatives from our school. I thought the conference needed to be attended by class 7 and 8 girls (who were physically big)  but the teacher in charge just chose me anyway together with other two girls one from class 7 and the other class 8. 

The conference was happening in a place called Kolping Conference Center in Kilimambogo. We were to spend two nights there and three days. Let me tell you,😆 When we first got to the hotel, I was somehow out of place for I was so small. All the other girls from other schools there were big...they had breasts but my chest was flat😅 . 

When we were given our rooms, that was the first time I saw a shower 🚿. I was like, "so here people shower in the rain?" Then the breakfast.... It was my first time to eat sausages ( where else would I have gotten sausages from in the village?" I couldn't believe that I was supposed to serve myself sausages, bread with butter. Lunch would be chicken. Anyway, the food was so good then. 

Now the part that I still think about even today about the conference, is the last day in that training. We had learnt alot about abstinence and waiting for marriage to have sex (we were told that virginity is a flower and one should never let any boy deflower them for it is a special gift for the husband on the wedding night).  So to crown  it all, we were given some light blue cards. 

The card read;  I __________, Infront of my friends and family, do swear and make the commitment  that I will abstain from sex untill marriage.  Signed 

One was supposed to fill their name on the blank space and sign at the end. I signed the card . Then I kept the card safely when I went home. I guess that was my first important document 😆.  

Please don't ask me whether I kept that commitment 🤐

Anyway, looking at the current state, teenage sex is happening like never before. How are we teaching our girls abstinence?  Are we telling them that they need to wait for the right time to have sex? Do we talk about it? Or do we let the girls get all kind of information out there about using emergency pills and contraceptives? Are we teaching our girls to take charge of their bodies and be responsible of how they let others treat them? 

It's the high Time we let teenagers know that there's time for everything and for them is to grow and study. I always feel sad when I see a teenager's education stalled due to a pregnancy and when you dig deeper you find that she had no any guidance. Do not feel shy talking to your teenager about sex and it's consequences.

 Why are you even shy talking about something that you do? If you can't, call me I will gladly do it for you. 

Let's take care of our teenagers

#joyinsights

How to handle a child who throws tantrums in a public place

 

You are with your 6 year old or below in the supermarket. You shop everything you wanted and maybe a snack for the little one. 

Now the Little person decides that you have to buy what he wants. Maybe he picks a very expensive toy or a snack and your budget does not allow that. You tell the kid you have no money at the moment but he won't hear none of it. 

To compel you to buy, the kid starts throwing tantrums rolling on the floor and crying uncontrollably. 

All eyes are on you waiting to see your next move. You're now embarrassed. You can't control the tantrums. To save yourself from the embarrassment, you decide to buy what the kid wanted. You even return some of the necessities you had bought since the money ain't enough. 

You buy the item and the kid calms down. All the while, the kid was observing. The tantrums were a way of testing you. He wanted to see what you can do. What have you done? 

You have enabled bad behavior. Shouting, rolling, screaming, throwing things is negative behavior that you wouldn't want your child to have. If you buy what he wanted after the kid does all this bad behavior, you are encouraging him to keep doing bad behavior since it's rewarding. 

Everytime the kid wants something, they will do something bad so that you reward them. 

You would rather get embarrassed than reward bad behavior. If the child screams and the whole supermarket is looking at you, do not be embarrassed, it's your child. Just pay and leave with the kid crying. You have done nothing wrong. The kid will just forget few steps away from the shop. 

From there, you can explain to them why you did not buy the item. Let them know screaming and rolling is bad and cannot be rewarded. 

The next time you go to the shop, the kid will not roll nor scream since he knows that my mom or dad won't buy something just because I am crying. That's how the brain of children work.

Whatever you reward is repeated, what you don't reward is suppressed. 

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach