Why women choose to stay in abusive marriages

 

Adverse Childhood experiences

So there has been an uproar in social media why women choose to stay in abusive relationships to a point of dying due to the abuse. People have blamed different things in society. However, I choose to give it a psychological perspective based on a child's brain development. Where it all begins in childhood. 

A child's brain start developing before birth while they're are in their mother's womb. Significant wiring happens during this time which determines the rest of their brain development in childhood. After birth, the most significant years for brain development is 0-7 years. The first 7 years are the most critical in a child's development. Their brain is conditioned based on the experiences they observe from their caregivers and the environment they grow in. 

Now let's focus on a child that grows in an environment where abuse is the order of the day. Let us focus on a female child in this case. We know there are women who are physically abused when they are pregnant. The beating continues after birth. A girl who grows up seeing her mother being physically abused and the mother does nothing to end the abuse, the child might be conditioned that violence is acceptable in love relationships. This is because the parents are the first agents of socialization in this case and they are the first example of an intimate relationship to the child. 

Later in life, the girl who grew up observing her mother being abused and never left the marriage or look for a solution to end the abuse, is highly prone to attract an abuser. This is because it is what her brain is conditioned to and it feels familiar. She will attract an abuser and tolerate the beatings just like what she saw her mother doing. When she tries to leave the marriage, she might go back again and continue receiving more and more beatings. This is how Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) affects the brain of a child later in  adulthood. Even when she leaves completely, if she does not heal from the ACEs, she will attract another abuser in her consequent relationships. 

So it comes down to what we expose our children to! Are pregnant women being beaten and persevering? Is your daughter observing you being beaten and being thrown out of the house. Are you sleeping in the cold with your daughter due to abuse and then go back to the same man? Do you hurl insults at each other when children are observing? You're conditioning your daughters brain to normalize abuse! Children need to be exposed to a loving, caring and nurturing environment. In their later life, they will be able to know abuse and run away from it. 

So before we judge a woman who is finding it hard to keep off abuse, before we blame the society or religion, let's also know that their childhood experiences are a major driver of her life. Let's do conscious parenting and expose our children to healthy relationships

#joyinsights

Triangulation

 

Do you use your child to pass a message to their other parent?

When parents are in conflict and have children, the children might get involved. It is not a wonder to find a couple in a  heated argument when the children are there watching them. 

Other conflicts directly affects children. For instance, when one parent comes home drunk to attack the other parent and disrupts the peace of the children. Other instances one parent physically beats the other parent as the children watch. We have also heard of cases where a parent forces children to beat their other parent. 

When such conflicts happen, children become involved in the conflictual interactions of their parents. 

The children might take sides, distract parents, carry messages from one parent to the other with the aim of minimizing conflicts. This is what is referred to as TRIANGULATION. It means that a 'triangle' is needed so that the relationship between the two parents stabilizes. 

Triangulation is a dysfunctional family set up for it harms the children. The children are exposed to trauma or Adverse Childhood experiences (ACEs) which will affect them in adulthood. The children are also parentified as they take up adult roles of mediating their parents' conflicts instead of being children. 

It is important for parents to solve their conflicts away from their children. If they need a third party to help them solve their issues, let it not be their children. 

Let's protect our children's mental health for a better tomorrow. Psychologically healthy children will have a healthy future for themselves and eventually a healthy society to live in. 

© Joyce Mwai

Author/ Coach/ Teenagers Mentor 

Teenage self identify issues

 

Teenage self identity issues are real! 

So, it happens I was raised in SDA church (still am). One of the good things about the church is the age appropriate classes for children. The most enjoyable class is the class between 10 to 15 years (pathfinder). Now, it so happened that I had a small body when growing up compared to some of my agemates. Now in church, when one would attain 16 years, they would be promoted to be youths. Now unfortunately for me, by the time I was 15 and 16, I was still small. I could not physically fit to be a youth. Now, those whom we were with in pathfinder and we were exactly the same age, got  promoted to youth class.. I could not be promoted because apparently I was small. 

Now this became one of my worst nightmares about the church. We found ourselves somehow growing apart with those agemates in church since am still in a children class and they are busy with youth activities. At this point to say the truth, I started hating my body size, I felt inadequate and hated the church. I would feel so bad on Friday knowing the following day is a church day. I am in form one, two but I have to go the same class with 10 year olds. "You can imagine how painful that is for a teen" being left out due to something you can't control!! I tried to get a way around it by trying to be late in church so that I can find Sabbath school classes over and just listen the main service ( I couldn't get myself watching my agemates in the right place and me having to put up with "children"). I wished never to step in church again and wait until I was big. That wasn't so possible because how can you miss church in an SDA family? (Anyway 🤪 It was about time I guess I became bigger at 17😊).

Looking at this scenario, there  is a teenager who is struggling to know her identity. She is being defined by her body size. She is being discriminated for it. Is it her fault that she has a small body? Ofcourse no. Her self esteem is attacked. Now imagine what some teenagers go through in some schools especially boarding schools where they can't report issues daily to their parents.

Children are unique... You might have a child who has a uniqueness that might become the subject of bullying or discrimination among thier peers. They might bee too short, too tall, too thin or plum. It's not their fault. But their peers don't care! Bullying is real in some schools. Not all of them have high levels of discipline. Other students are bullied due to their language (shrubbing due to mother tongue interference). You are bullied because you pronounce words wrongly because of where you're brought up! You end up never even speaking freely or answering questions to escape the shame. And so many other reasons that might expose a teenager to low self esteem. When it comes to self identity issues and self esteem, no teenager is strong!! They are at the development stage of knowing who they are!! Their identity is greatly impacted by peers. Unless someone is closely guiding them positively, their identity might be shaped by what peers say about them.

The point is, if a school going teen tells you they never want to go back to their school,. Take time to know why? Remember this is not a day School you see them everyday (If they're in boarding schools). Their self esteem might be attacked day and night for three months. They are hating themselves. If no one listens to them and says that they must go back to the school because fees is paid, what would prevent that child to run away from home? What wouldn't make them think of ending their life ( some misconduct teenagers do to each other are extreme for a teenager to handle). (Even the few who commit suicide, you hear parents saying they had strongly refused to go back to school and no one listened but forced them back) 

Listening does not mean the child should be transferred to a new school. It will help the parents know how to help their child! If they are bullied for their physical looks, they need the parents to reassure them they are beautiful the way they are and what the friends say does not define them! Listening will also help the parent handle issues with the school administration if such intervention is necessary. Maybe a transfer can only work when a case is extreme and might affect their performance. The issue is, if a teenager says they hate a particular social setting. Be curious to know. Sit down and listen! 

Let's be on the lookout! Let's know how our teens are fairing! It's the most demanding Stage.

P.S. (That photo was taken in 2012. Guess I was already big)

#joyinsights

Delayed Gratification

 DELAYED GRATIFICATION

When I was growing up, meat and Chapati were not common delicacies in most homes. Such foods were cooked maybe when there are guests or during holidays. So when meat or chapatis happen to be cooked and you're served, there was one thing I used to do which was common with most children. I would choose the best pieces of meat or Chapo that would be eaten last. You feast on the rest of the food only to take the best pieces of meat last. This was kind of leaving the best for last. 

When I reflect on that childhood habit, I realize it was a worth life skill of having the ability to forego a pleasure for the moment and preserve it for something more rewarding in future. This ability to be patient now for a better reward in future is called DELAYED GRATIFICATION. 

In the 21st century, we have given our children almost everything such that they cannot teach themselves patience and self control. Those special meals in earlier years are available even on the streets. Nothing rare for kids today. They can have snacks, TV time, toys, phones. Etc. How will our children then learn patience, self control or Delayed gratification?? 

Parents therefore have a huge role to teach their children patience. They need to know that not everything they need now can be available at the moment! They need to know that they have to forego some pleasures and focus on education for a better life in future. 

#joyinsights

Teenage girls are still children even after pregnancies

 

Teenage Mothers are still children.

There is something that has been bothering me for sometime now. From the interaction with some of my girls ( when I say my girls I mean I mentor teenage girls), I have realized that there are some parents who reject their daughters after they become pregnant. Some parents force their daughters to get married to the man responsible for the pregnancy. Even in cases where the boy/man has rejected the pregnancy! Even in cases where the girl has realized she messed up and does not want to get married but to give birth and go back to school or start college. 

I have had an encounter with like 3 cases where parents forces the girl to go and get married. In the parents defense, they say that the girl is already 18 so an adult!, The girl will bring shame to the family since the parents are respected in society and in church! They have no ability to raise another child! They cannot take a defiant daughter to college! Seriously, are these even valid reasons to reject a daughter who have opened up to you? 

When I get to ask a girl how she became pregnant, or how their friends are ending up pregnant, most of the answers I get show that most girls are clueless about sexuality. They believe what their friends tell them. Others the only thing they know about sex is the biology lessons on reproductive system. A certain teenager once told me that her friend told her that to reduce period pains, she must have sex. Very bad advice ( apparently she was having very painful periods. Luckily she had not yet followed the advice so I had to talk her out of it!). 

We all know teenagers are very active, defiant, they believe they know it all, they believe their parents are old fashioned! But let's not give up on them. They are just in a transitional stage which we all know it's difficult! ALL THEY NEED IS GUIDANCE AND MENTORSHIP to understand what is happening to them and how they need to be focused on their Education. If your parents forced you to get married at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 or 21 years please don't do it to your daughter because of a pregnancy! Let's break the cycle! They deserve to grow, go to college and secure a better future! Charity begins at home! When your daughter comes to you, don't send her away. Give her a hug. Even if she becomes a teenage mum, she is still a child who needs education and a chance to grow. 

Teenage mums are still children!

#joyinsights

Understanding Trauma

 TRAUMA

Trauma is an emotional response to a shocking event like robbery, rape, sudden sad news, attack, prolonged abuse, etc. 

Have you ever found yourself questioning your reaction after a traumatic event? It's normal for a person to start telling themselves; I would have done this, maybe things would have turn out differently. Please, there's no need of beating yourself up for how you react during a traumatic event. 

THE BRAIN during a traumatic event is disorganized and moves from Logical reasoning to trauma response. The body goes to survival mode and one cannot think straight. 

No one is immune to trauma. 

The only way to heal is to go through the gradual healing process. Preferably with professional social support

#matters mental health

#joyinsights

6 Home schooling Tips that every parent should know

 

Parents always get worried when their school going children are at home for holidays or times when there’s a pandemic preventing children from going to school. They always wonder how they would effectively help their children learn. There is nothing to worry about parents! When it comes to homeschooling, the role of the parent is not to teach but to facilitate learning. Remember, you are a parent to your child but not a teacher. There is no need to stress yourself with algebra and the like!

However, there are several tips that a parent can use to facilitate learning at home;

1.      1. Know the capabilities of your child

Children are different. They therefore learn differently. There are the slow learners and the fast learners. There are also those children who learn well when alone while others learn well while in groups. As a parent, you therefore need to know whether your child is lone learner or a group learner. For those who like learning in groups, try to arrange sessions with a classmate or a sibling so as they can learn together. For those who do well alone, your work as a parent is to monitor what the child is learning.

2.      2. Stick to a learning routine

Schools learn smoothly since they operate in routine and schedules. As a parent, make sure you set up a daily routine that the children are supposed to follow as they learn. The routine also includes the learning space as well as the locations. For those who have home compounds, you can set up a routine where the child can learn outside rather than being indoors all the time. The routine makes the children know what they are supposed to do every day hence instilling self-drive in them.

3.      3. Make use of online resources

We are living in a digital world. Although some might think that the internet is not all that good for young children, the good news is, the internet has vast resources that can aid learning at home. For instance, if as a parent you have no idea of making a timetable, the internet can help you with that! Again, the children might not have all the textbooks needed and you might not be in a position to buy them. The internet therefore comes in to help where you can check the curriculum online and then look up for the resources that your child can use to learn that matches the curriculum.

4.      4. Let the child act as the teacher

Here, you are supposed to identify the subject area the child is supposed to study from your home made timetable. Then guide the child in doing all the activities that are related to the subject. Again, present all the resources needed for the learning activities to your child. After the child does all the activities required, then he/she can present to you whatever they have done. Make sure you applaud them for the work they do so as to motivate them and make the learning process fun.

5.      5. Limit the time the child is in front of a screen

As parents, we are most of the times compelled to make our kids spend all their time watching cartoon programs on television or playing video games. We feel this is more comfortable as the child will disturb you less. However, this is not right! You should make sure that you set up rules on when your child is on phone or watching TV programs. This may seem difficult to accomplish but it is for the best interest of your child. The more children spend time on screens, the more they become socially isolated which will have a huge impact on them in future.

6.      6. Facilitate passion projects

Every child has a talent. However, with the strict routine that the normal schooling offer, the children do not have a chance to develop the talents. It is therefore important to take advantage of the time the children are at home and develop their special abilities. Such special abilities could be cooking, singing, dancing, drawing among others. If for instance your child has a talent in cooking, make sure you provide all the ingredients they may need to try out their recipes. You never know! Your Child’s talent might make him/her famous and successful in future!!

 All the best parents as you continue homeschooling your kids!!

 

By Joyce Mwai