Understanding the mother Wound

 

Àre you a fixer, rescuer or an enabler? You have a MOTHER WOUND. 

We have seen people who constantly complain that their family is draining them financially. You will see a person who earns good money But all the money goes to paying school fees for their siblings, giving parents money even when they're not in need, taking their drunkard siblings to rehab, bailing a relative out of jail... This person does all this while they're struggling to meet their own needs. They would rather take loans or sleep hungry but would not let a relative be responsible for their lives. These people feel obligated to care and nurture others. Do you know This is a mother wound?? 

How do people develop mother wounds?

✔️ Raised by an abusive/toxic mother

✔️Raised by an emotionally unhealthy mother ( a mother who was always looking for emotional help from the kids. Maybe she had an unstable relationship with the husband)

✔️ The child was forcefully alienated from the mother ( we have seen men who deny kids an opportunity to be with their mother after separation or divorce). 

✔️ The mother abandoned the child. ( We have seen women who literally abandon their kids and never look back)

✔️ The mother passed on and there was no mother figure to take the place of the dead mother.

✔️Raised in a group home where caregivers have too many children under their care. 

How does the MOTHER WOUND manifest in adulthood? 

1. Inability to set boundaries. You cannot say No without feeling guilty. You always let people abuse your space as you feel obligated to help them.

2. Codependency in relationships. This is relationship addiction. You feel you cannot detach from a relationship Even when it's unhealthy for you. You persevere abusive relationship because you Never want to feel abandoned. 

3. Insecurity with physical appearance and low self-esteem. When you were not loved as a child, it is normal to question your looks. You unconsciously feel you're not good enough that's why your mother Never loved you. 

4. Your romantic relationships never flourish. You grow up feeling you don't deserve love since your primary caregiver never cared for you. You have accepted you're unlovable so you question the motives of anyone who tries to love you. If you're a man, you find it hard to trust women because your mother abandoned you.

5. You Care too much about giving your best. You become a rescuer, a fixer and an enabler. You feel you need to fix all the problems in the world. You're trying to compensate for the love you never received from your mother and you believe there is something you can do to get Loved. 

6. Inability to regulate your emotions in healthy ways. We all have days we feel low. A person with a mother wound might numb Their pain through addictions, unhealthy sexual behaviors, aggression, self harming, suicidal ideations. No mother introduced them to healthy ways of dealing with emotions. 

7. Fear of abandonment. This manifests by being codependent. You can't feel complete while alone... You depend on other people to make you feel complete.

8. Fear of displeasing your mother. You're an adult but you cannot make a decision without running it through your mother to avoid making her angry. You feel guilty when your mother does not approve of something. 

9. Self criticism and lack of self trust.  If you Grew up with a mother who constantly criticized you, compared you, verbally and physically abused you, always put you down showing you you're not good enough, you grow up Never to trust yourself. You critize yourself and self sabotage all your decisions. 

10. You have a Rocky relationship with your mother. You feel intense hatred towards your mother. You blame her for all the suffering you went through as a child. You cannot stand to be in the same place with your mother. You feel you can never forgive her. You're suffering from a mother wound. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Trainer & Speaker

The role of a mother in child development

Motherhood does not come with a manual. Yet alot is expected of mothers by the society. 

Once a woman becomes a mother, what is expected of her for healthy child development? What role does the mother play? 

♦️She is the caregiver. A mother is the first caregiver a child has right from pregnancy to First few months after birth. This role continues as the child develops even if other caregivers are introduced. 

♦️The health care provider. Before a mom takes a child to hospital, they have tried multiple home remedies. Children always run to their mother when hurt because they know she will play her magic and they will feel better

♦️The first teacher. A mother Starts teaching her newborn right after birth.... Mothers keep singing nursery rhymes when bathing or breastfeeding their babies. Moms are also expected to teach their children life skills like being polite and interacting with others in respect.

♦️ Activity coordinator. The mother has to make sure that all the childrens activities are in check... Homework, trips, playdates...

♦️ Emotional nurturer. The mother has the responsibility of being fully emotionally available to the children. She has to comfort them when they're low or they feel defeated.

♦️The justice system. The mother will always find herself solving so many disagreements in her childs life either with her siblings or friends. The mother has to have excellent conflict resolution skills. 

♦️The relationship coach. Children need guidance on making friends and interacting with peers. The mother has to be there to offer guidance. 

♦️ Playmate. You can't be a mother and at the same time want to act mature. You have to go back to the level of your child and play with them. It strengthens your bond with the child. 

♦️ Trainer, instructor and disciplinarian. The mother has to train up their children to learn the acceptable ways. Correct and discipline the child with love. 

♦️ Offer unconditional love, care and support throughout a child's development. Everything a mother does for her child should be unconditional. No one should pay you for being a mother. Even after the child is grown. It's the responsibility of a mother to offer unconditional love. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach

What every woman should consider before having a child

It is a woman who Gets to bring the life of a fetus to a baby. so the woman has to make a concious choice on when they are ready to bring a life on earth. What should a woman think about before becoming a mother??

1. What are you willing to sacrifice? Are you ready to sacrifice? 

Sacrifice is a common theme in motherhood. The first thing  you sacrifice by default is your body for nine months. You have to sacrifice your petite and great figure and accept gaining weight in almost All parts of the body. You sacrifice your favorite meals to funny cravings. You also sacrifice your health with all the uncertain complications that might happen during pregnancy and childbirth. 

You also sacrifice your Life.Thousands of women lose their lives while bringing life 

You have to sacrifice your career temporarily. There are some periods you can't show up to your favorite profession to do what you like doing. This might even become Long term sacrifice of career in cases where you might develop complications or get a special child.

So you thinking of becoming a mom? Are you ready to sacrifice?

2. Are you emotionally prepared? Many women have become mothers when they're mentally struggling only to transfer Traumas to their children. When you're in a bad place emotionally and you're pregnant, you transfer those vibrations to your growing fetus in your womb. You have to be emotionally healthy to be a mother. DON'T have a child to heal your broken heart. MARRIED WOMEN STOP HAVING CHILDREN TO HEAL YOUR UNSTABLE MARRIAGE. Get pregnant when you're not wounded emotionally.

3. Are you financially prepared? Children are expensive. What if you can't work during pregnancy, are you financially stable to remain provided for? Do you have a financial support system like a husband who Will provide when you can't provide For yourself? Do you have enough savings? Do you have medical covers? 

4. Who Will be the father? This decision should not be made based on euphoria and infactuations of intimacy. You have to ask yourself whether the man is fit to be a father More than being an intimate partner. Is the man in an emotional and mental state to support you throughout pregnancy and childbirth? Is he ready to persevere sleepless nights with you? Can he handle your mood swings and cravings. So get a baby with a partner whom you're both ready  and intentional to have a child. If he is ready, you'll be assured of support. NEVER  GET PREGNANT TO TRAP A MAN. You will have trapped your child to dysfunctionality. 

Ladies what else do you think of? Children are angels and blessings. But they need to be brought forth by fully prepared mothers

#joyinsghts

#intentionalparenting

What absence of a father does to a daughter's Life

So we see the kinds of judgement on social media or in our localities on young women who get married to or date extremely older men especially married ones. We call them home wreckers,  gold diggers, side chicks, prostitutes and all demeaning names. 

Mostly those women say that the older men are caring, understanding and are good providers. They say they cannot leave them because they feel safe with the men. Even when some of the men are married and have to keep the relationship a secret. 

As much as we would want to insult these women for dating older married men, we need to understand that there's a psychological explanation of that behavior. These women are wounded.

These women are struggling with DADDY ISSUES. They're suffering from a FATHER WOUND. Most of the campus girls who date sponsors and women who are comfortable being side chicks to married men to a point of having children for them, Lacked a father's love growing up. They either grew up without a father or father figure present, Grew up with an abusive father, or grew up with a present but emotionally unavailable father, grew up with an irresponsible father like an alcoholic who Left all responsibility to the mother.

A father is the first and the longest Love a daughter will have. It is through the father that a girl knows how to relate with men. A father needs to provide care, support and unconditional love to a daughter. This makes a girl to grow with high self esteem and confidence. 

A girl who has grown with a loving father would not dare stay in a relationship with a man who does not respect her. She already knows how a good man behaves. She already knows how a man should love her.

However, if a girl grows with an extremely abusive father, an emotionally abusive father, a father who left all responsibility to the mother, The girl will grow up looking for a father in every man she dates. 

She yearns for a father's love so she expects the men she date to act like a father to her. She wants a man to provide for her, care for her, take her out, support her (All which needed to come from her father growing up). She will therefore settle for unavailable men who to her seems like a father figure just because they provide (married men, abusers, emotionally unavailable) thinking that they will care for her. The sad thing is that she is attracting what is familiar. 

If she dares get into a relationship with her agemates her daddy issues will always bring problems to the relationship. She is looking for a father while the man is looking for a companion. 

So if you're a father of daughters, be in their lives so that they don't go looking for A  Father in men she date. Because she will only end up with a man exactly like you. Being there for your child is not just living with them and paying school fees... It's being emotionally available for them. Whether you're married to their mother or not. 

Women allow your daughters to have father figures if their father is not available. 

Fathers with teenage daughters... Show them support and unconditional love. Take your daughters out. Surprise your daughter in College with a box of Pizza and KFC. Take your daughters out on weekends. Bring them presents on their birthdays. Show up anytime she is showcasing her talent, support her and let them know you'll always be there even when they fail. (Why would she need a Sponsor when you're actively in her life?). 

For Fathers who were alienated from your daughters when they were young by the mothers. Even if the girls are grown and in college. Look for them. Start building a relationship no matter how bad they were told you were. Girls have a soft spot for their dads. She will a accept you. 

If you're a woman having daddy issues and you keep attracting men who are unavailable or abusive like your father. Heal. Reparent. Work on yourself and don't get into a relationship without healing first.

Let our daughters grow to healthy women. Women who can relate with men in a healthy way. Not women who are looking for something (that her father should have provided in childhood) in a man. 

#joyinsights 

#intentionalparenting

What absence of a father does to a Son

So there is this Video I saw going round on social media of a very young boy who apparently goes to the market, looks for money, then takes the money back to the Mother. When asked why he cannot give the money to his father, He says he can never do it. Because his father is a drunkard. Takes alcohol and smokes. From his Facial expressions, one can see the intense hatred he has for his father. 

What just hit me and made me sad about the clip is the Psychological damage that is growing between that boy and his father. As he grows physically , A FATHER WOUND is also growing which is unhealthy. 

Fathers are very important in their son's lives. It is the father who teaches sons self control (we all know how boys engage in risky activities when they're toddlers). Teaches the son how to control their sexual urge and how to engage in responsible sex.

It is through the father a son learns to treat women in their lives. How to respect women, how to love women and how to be a Gentleman who can lead. 

However, there are sons who grow up with absent fathers. These boys develop the FATHER WOUND. The father wound comes as a result absence of a father or father figure, Abusive father, emotionally unavailable father, irresponsible father (like the drug addicts). 

What happens to a boy who grows without a father? 

1. Anxiety and low confidence. The boy grew up feeling abandoned. Thinking they're not good enough that's why their father Left. They are therefore anxious that their partners might leave them, might lose their job, might not be successful. This makes such kind of men second guess most of their decisions.

2. Anger issues. Men who grew up with abusive and irresponsible fathers are more likely to be stuck in anger. Any little disagreement might result to a physical fight. They can't control their high emotional outbursts. Again, nobody taught them how to control anger. Sometimes they might just be aggressive as they're projecting the pain of their father abusing or leaving them.

3. Too rigid  boundaries. Some ladies have interacted with men who are super insecure. They spy their partners digital devices, movements, puts trackers in their wives cars, questions who they talk to. Dictates how they dress so that no other man talks to the wife. Orders the wife to stay at home. All these insecurities and rigid boundaries are just a defense mechanism of fear of abandonment. Again, no Man taught them how to let people exist in their own skin. 

4. Becoming a people pleaser or a provider to everyone else. When some boys grow up with irresponsible or abusive father, they resent that behavior ( Like that boy in the viral video). They therefore take the role of providing to be the opposite of their father. They start providing for their siblings, their mother, friends and extended family to a point of neglecting their own needs. Don't get it twisted, people pleasing is self neglect and a defense mechanism. Not generosity (especially when you abandon yourself). 

5. Having relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. If you're a man who grew up with an abusive father or absent father, you might find yourself attracting partners who are emotionally unavailable. Psychology says that adults unconsciously find themselves in relationships that are familiar with what they experienced in child hood. A man might try to repair his father wound with a partner who recreates his childhood experiences. A reliable and consistent wife might be seen as a threat because emotional availability is not familiar to them. 

6. Repeating the same parenting pattern. If a Man does not Address his father wound Before having children, they might become absent fathers  or abusive fathers themselves. We have Heard of men who ran away immediately They make a woman pregnant. No man taught them that men take responsibility of the outcomes of their sexual encounters. Others are present physically but have trouble bonding with the children. We have Heard of homes where children fear the Father they can't even joke with him in the house. 

So women, if you have a son and their father is not ready to be in their life or is deceased, look for a father figure for them. Uncles or grandfathers or male mentor .

Women who are living with abusive and irresponsible men and claim they're staying because of the children. If you have sons , you're just making those sons hate and resent Their father. They are observing how he has neglected the family and how he is beating you. You're making them develop a Father Wound. You are keeping your marriage and wounding your children. Am not telling anyone to leave their marriage, (But those who understand Kikuyu might have seen the viral video and that hatred the boy has towards the father is because the mother has chosen to live with the man.)

Men, if you Grew up with an absent , abusive, irresponsible, emotionally unavailable father, ACCEPT YOU HAVE A FATHER WOUND. then Reparent yourself. Heal your father wound and become a healthy adult. 

Let's raise our boys to become healthy gentlemen. 

#joyinsights 

#intentionalparenting

REPARENTING

So I got th request to talk about what people who are already affected by being raised by wounded parents and have carried their childhood traumas in their adulthood can do. 

On this, the first thing to note is that acknowledging you have childhood wounds does not in any way involve blaming your parents. Those parents had their own struggles and they raised you from their level of awareness. They could not have done better. That's all they knew. So don't go blaming your parents they are the reason you behave the way you do because of their parenting style. You can't Heal when you're blaming others. 

Were you physically abused growing up? Were you verbally abused? Were you compared with your peers? Were you neglected emotionally? Were you made the parent to your siblings? Were you yelled at throughout your childhood? Were your parents controlling and dictatorial? Were you denied any voice of your own? Did you witness your parents verbally and physically abusing each other? Did one of your parents neglect you totally?  

All these experiences traumatized and wounded you but you never stopped growing. So how did you cope? You developed unhealthy coping mechanisms that are affecting you as an adult. The worst part is that you are using your wounded self to raise children whom you're unconsciously bleeding on (for the parents). However, there is hope. There is no need of getting defensive and say your life was programmed as a child so you can't change it. This is where Reparenting comes in. 

Reparenting is the process of giving yourself what you did not receive as a child. It is like assuming the position of you as a child and becoming a parent to yourself. My coach once told me is like "getting inside my 5year old self or that 15 year teen self and parent yourself by giving yourself what you never received that  is important for your heathy emotional growth" Return to your childhood, begin again and give yourself what you need as a child. 

What does that tell you? Reparenting is a 100% personal responsibility. You are giving the wounded inner child all the care, love, affection, dignity, respect that you never received as a child. 

So how do you start the process? Start by aknowledging that there is something deeply wrong with you stemming from your childhood. Then start doing all the work. For instance, If you were compared as a child and developed low self esteem and a feeling you're not good enough, you can start giving yourself positive affirmations like (I am beautiful, I am good at this, I can be successful in that business) If you were constantly  abused and never appreciated and became a people pleaser to be loved by others, start putting boundaries and saying No to situations you feel uncomfortable. 

You are conciouslly unlearning and reprogramming your mind from the familiar ways that you were raised in as they are unhealthy to you and your children ( if you're a parent) 

This is not an easy process . It takes time but it works wonders. What is needed is discipline, self-care and intentionallity. Nothing can work if you ain't intentional. 

When you're reparenting yourself, it will be very easy for you to raise emotionally healthy kids (If you're a parent) as you will apply those parenting skills you're giving yourself. For instance ( if you were raised by physically and verbally abusive parents, you're reprogramming that although that's what is familiar to you, it is unhealthy and therefore you can never practice it on your kids). 

You parent from an awareness level. Remember I say, you can't give from an empty well. HEAL and your kids will receive an overflow. 

Again, consider professional help. Seek the services of a Transformational  life coach ( they're so good in guiding through reparenting) or a therapist. 

We all have our inner child wounded in one way or another. Do not lie to your self. Start reparenting. 

#joyinsights