Why you should listen to your child's NO.

Do you ever listen to your child when they say NO?

Parents are the first agents of socialization for a developing child. The parent help the child learn about the world around them. However, as children grow older, they start expressing how they feel. 

However, some parents want to force everything to their children even when children disagree. Children have bodies too. Those bodies are like those of an adult. The body can feel when hungry? When they need to pee, when it is cold, when it is hot,  etc. 

Some parents will force children do things when their body is telling them otherwise. You will see a parent forcing a child to go to the toilet when the child does not feel the urge. You will see parents forcefeeding a child after they fail to finish all the food. The child will beg but the parent will hear none of it. 

What does this do to a child? They develop negative view of the thing they're are forced to do when their body says otherwise. A girl can be Force fed when young and later develop eating disorders in adulthood for they never formed a positive relationship with food. 

Again, a child whose parents do not listen to them when they say no (when it is necessary), they might grow never to be assertive. They can be corced to do anything by other adults. You will see a girl giving in to sexual advances from a man even when she does not want it. Why? She grew up knowing that her feelings do not matter and she should agree to whatever she is told even when she does not have to. 

Ask yourself, is it always your way or the highway with your children??

#joyinsights

Did you hug your parents growing up?: Why physical touch is important in child development.

 

There is something I have come to learn about some of my agemates or people born in the 80s and the 90s especially in the village set up. There are some adults right now who say they have never hugged their mother or father. 

Why is that? Parents then had no time for such affectionate touch. When it came to parent child relationships, it was all work or beatings (especially the bitter parents). 

What does this expose a child to later in life as adults? Some adults may grow to be less attracted to physically connecting with others for they never experienced it in childhood. 

Others may live the rest of their life yearning for physical touch from other adults. If they do not get it, they might feel rejected as the absence of touch is a form of rejection to them. 

There are those people who still see hugging and giving your kids pecks is a thing of the west. 

As a Matter of fact, it is a need to children. Infants navigate the world around them through touch. An infant will cry when no one is holding her/him for they feel abandoned. When a person picks them up, they stop crying. Why is that? Touch brings a sense of safety to children. 

Children feel loved when they are often hugged by their parents. They develop self confidence and a positive outlook in life. 

If you fail to give your child a hug, do not go wild when they become adolescents and your daughter start looking for such touches somewhere else. 

Did your parents give you hugs when you were growing up? 

Have you ever hugged your parents? 

Are you hugging your kids now?

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage Mentor

Why you should not ask your children to keep secrets

 

Our little secret.

There are instances you hear parents tell their children. "Shut your big mouth!" . Apparently the child might have talked about some embarrassing things about their parents or home. Parents fight and the child goes to school or the neighborhood and tells all about it. When the parents find out, they tell the child "Do not talk about our issues out there" Those are our family secrets and should not get out! 

Some parents will do something with the children and warn them against telling the other parent. Like "Do not tell your mother we did this" "Do not tell your father we did this or this happened" 

How sick is that! If you want your child not to embarrass you out there, do not do things you would not want people to know as kids watch. This will save you the struggle of teaching children how to keep secrets. As much as you might think it is not serious, You are bringing up a child who will keep secrets even from you the parents! 

Imagine a girl who has been taught to keep secrets by the parents gets sexually abused by a relative or any person close to them. Child sex abusers always tell them not to tell anyone about what they do. The girl will be told "Do not tell your mom we did this. It's our little secret." "If you do, I will beat you or I will not be bringing you presents" Do you think that child will ever tell?? The child has already been taught by the parents that keeping secrets is okay. 

Children need to know that keeping secrets from their parents or guardians is wrong. Let them tell you everything that happened to them during their Normal day away from you. Do not ask them to lie or keep a secret. If there's something you want to be kept a secret, keep it away from the kids but do not burden them with keeping secrets! 

#intentionalparenting 

#joyinsights

How emotional availability looks like

 

When we were growing up, there's a method that adults used when a child accidentally fell or hurt themselves. When a child would fall,  you would hear the parent or the adult around tell another "Do not look at the child so that he/she does not cry" . 

You would find a parent completely ignore a child who have hurt their knee or any part of the body just because they are trying to refrain the child from crying. How inhuman is this!!

When a child is hurt, the first thing they look for is comfort from the immediate caregiver. The child is communicating a message that "I have hurt myself and I need you to tell me that am gonna be okay" . The child is looking for attention and assurance that it is just an accident and they are going to heal. 

However, the parents of the time and before decided that the best thing is to ignore a hurting child so that they don't cry. What is wrong with crying when hurt? Why should a child refrain their emotions while they are hurting? If the child falls and cries, that is the natural thing to do. The adult then comes in to comfort the child and they're reassured and will naturally stop crying. 

When a child is hurt accidentally, the natural thing to do as a parent is to let them know you acknowledge they're hurt. Tell the child "sorry you hurt yourself." Then reassure the child they will be okay. You can tell the child, "rest for sometime the pain will subside." Enquire to know how much they are hurt. Ask "where does it hurt?" It shows the child you're emotionally available for them. 

What happens when you constantly ignore your child's genuine pain? You are raising a child who will become emotionally unavailable. Emotionally unavailable people have difficulties expressing their own emotions or handling other people's emotions. 

Emotionally unavailable people invalidate the feelings of others. They feel other people are being too emotional or sensitive to non issues. However, people's feelings are valid. Everyone has a right to feel what they are supposed to be feeling at a particular time.

Emotionally unavailable people won't realize when they are hurting others. It is not their fault. Their pain was ignored as they were growing up. 

Let's embrace attending to our children's pain. When your child's falls, trips, or is in a slight accident, you should be the first to tell them "sorry".  Do not ignore a child who is hurting If you want to raise an emotionally healthy child. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

Why women choose to stay in abusive marriages

 

Adverse Childhood experiences

So there has been an uproar in social media why women choose to stay in abusive relationships to a point of dying due to the abuse. People have blamed different things in society. However, I choose to give it a psychological perspective based on a child's brain development. Where it all begins in childhood. 

A child's brain start developing before birth while they're are in their mother's womb. Significant wiring happens during this time which determines the rest of their brain development in childhood. After birth, the most significant years for brain development is 0-7 years. The first 7 years are the most critical in a child's development. Their brain is conditioned based on the experiences they observe from their caregivers and the environment they grow in. 

Now let's focus on a child that grows in an environment where abuse is the order of the day. Let us focus on a female child in this case. We know there are women who are physically abused when they are pregnant. The beating continues after birth. A girl who grows up seeing her mother being physically abused and the mother does nothing to end the abuse, the child might be conditioned that violence is acceptable in love relationships. This is because the parents are the first agents of socialization in this case and they are the first example of an intimate relationship to the child. 

Later in life, the girl who grew up observing her mother being abused and never left the marriage or look for a solution to end the abuse, is highly prone to attract an abuser. This is because it is what her brain is conditioned to and it feels familiar. She will attract an abuser and tolerate the beatings just like what she saw her mother doing. When she tries to leave the marriage, she might go back again and continue receiving more and more beatings. This is how Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) affects the brain of a child later in  adulthood. Even when she leaves completely, if she does not heal from the ACEs, she will attract another abuser in her consequent relationships. 

So it comes down to what we expose our children to! Are pregnant women being beaten and persevering? Is your daughter observing you being beaten and being thrown out of the house. Are you sleeping in the cold with your daughter due to abuse and then go back to the same man? Do you hurl insults at each other when children are observing? You're conditioning your daughters brain to normalize abuse! Children need to be exposed to a loving, caring and nurturing environment. In their later life, they will be able to know abuse and run away from it. 

So before we judge a woman who is finding it hard to keep off abuse, before we blame the society or religion, let's also know that their childhood experiences are a major driver of her life. Let's do conscious parenting and expose our children to healthy relationships

#joyinsights

Triangulation

 

Do you use your child to pass a message to their other parent?

When parents are in conflict and have children, the children might get involved. It is not a wonder to find a couple in a  heated argument when the children are there watching them. 

Other conflicts directly affects children. For instance, when one parent comes home drunk to attack the other parent and disrupts the peace of the children. Other instances one parent physically beats the other parent as the children watch. We have also heard of cases where a parent forces children to beat their other parent. 

When such conflicts happen, children become involved in the conflictual interactions of their parents. 

The children might take sides, distract parents, carry messages from one parent to the other with the aim of minimizing conflicts. This is what is referred to as TRIANGULATION. It means that a 'triangle' is needed so that the relationship between the two parents stabilizes. 

Triangulation is a dysfunctional family set up for it harms the children. The children are exposed to trauma or Adverse Childhood experiences (ACEs) which will affect them in adulthood. The children are also parentified as they take up adult roles of mediating their parents' conflicts instead of being children. 

It is important for parents to solve their conflicts away from their children. If they need a third party to help them solve their issues, let it not be their children. 

Let's protect our children's mental health for a better tomorrow. Psychologically healthy children will have a healthy future for themselves and eventually a healthy society to live in. 

© Joyce Mwai

Author/ Coach/ Teenagers Mentor 

Teenage self identify issues

 

Teenage self identity issues are real! 

So, it happens I was raised in SDA church (still am). One of the good things about the church is the age appropriate classes for children. The most enjoyable class is the class between 10 to 15 years (pathfinder). Now, it so happened that I had a small body when growing up compared to some of my agemates. Now in church, when one would attain 16 years, they would be promoted to be youths. Now unfortunately for me, by the time I was 15 and 16, I was still small. I could not physically fit to be a youth. Now, those whom we were with in pathfinder and we were exactly the same age, got  promoted to youth class.. I could not be promoted because apparently I was small. 

Now this became one of my worst nightmares about the church. We found ourselves somehow growing apart with those agemates in church since am still in a children class and they are busy with youth activities. At this point to say the truth, I started hating my body size, I felt inadequate and hated the church. I would feel so bad on Friday knowing the following day is a church day. I am in form one, two but I have to go the same class with 10 year olds. "You can imagine how painful that is for a teen" being left out due to something you can't control!! I tried to get a way around it by trying to be late in church so that I can find Sabbath school classes over and just listen the main service ( I couldn't get myself watching my agemates in the right place and me having to put up with "children"). I wished never to step in church again and wait until I was big. That wasn't so possible because how can you miss church in an SDA family? (Anyway 🤪 It was about time I guess I became bigger at 17😊).

Looking at this scenario, there  is a teenager who is struggling to know her identity. She is being defined by her body size. She is being discriminated for it. Is it her fault that she has a small body? Ofcourse no. Her self esteem is attacked. Now imagine what some teenagers go through in some schools especially boarding schools where they can't report issues daily to their parents.

Children are unique... You might have a child who has a uniqueness that might become the subject of bullying or discrimination among thier peers. They might bee too short, too tall, too thin or plum. It's not their fault. But their peers don't care! Bullying is real in some schools. Not all of them have high levels of discipline. Other students are bullied due to their language (shrubbing due to mother tongue interference). You are bullied because you pronounce words wrongly because of where you're brought up! You end up never even speaking freely or answering questions to escape the shame. And so many other reasons that might expose a teenager to low self esteem. When it comes to self identity issues and self esteem, no teenager is strong!! They are at the development stage of knowing who they are!! Their identity is greatly impacted by peers. Unless someone is closely guiding them positively, their identity might be shaped by what peers say about them.

The point is, if a school going teen tells you they never want to go back to their school,. Take time to know why? Remember this is not a day School you see them everyday (If they're in boarding schools). Their self esteem might be attacked day and night for three months. They are hating themselves. If no one listens to them and says that they must go back to the school because fees is paid, what would prevent that child to run away from home? What wouldn't make them think of ending their life ( some misconduct teenagers do to each other are extreme for a teenager to handle). (Even the few who commit suicide, you hear parents saying they had strongly refused to go back to school and no one listened but forced them back) 

Listening does not mean the child should be transferred to a new school. It will help the parents know how to help their child! If they are bullied for their physical looks, they need the parents to reassure them they are beautiful the way they are and what the friends say does not define them! Listening will also help the parent handle issues with the school administration if such intervention is necessary. Maybe a transfer can only work when a case is extreme and might affect their performance. The issue is, if a teenager says they hate a particular social setting. Be curious to know. Sit down and listen! 

Let's be on the lookout! Let's know how our teens are fairing! It's the most demanding Stage.

P.S. (That photo was taken in 2012. Guess I was already big)

#joyinsights

Delayed Gratification

 DELAYED GRATIFICATION

When I was growing up, meat and Chapati were not common delicacies in most homes. Such foods were cooked maybe when there are guests or during holidays. So when meat or chapatis happen to be cooked and you're served, there was one thing I used to do which was common with most children. I would choose the best pieces of meat or Chapo that would be eaten last. You feast on the rest of the food only to take the best pieces of meat last. This was kind of leaving the best for last. 

When I reflect on that childhood habit, I realize it was a worth life skill of having the ability to forego a pleasure for the moment and preserve it for something more rewarding in future. This ability to be patient now for a better reward in future is called DELAYED GRATIFICATION. 

In the 21st century, we have given our children almost everything such that they cannot teach themselves patience and self control. Those special meals in earlier years are available even on the streets. Nothing rare for kids today. They can have snacks, TV time, toys, phones. Etc. How will our children then learn patience, self control or Delayed gratification?? 

Parents therefore have a huge role to teach their children patience. They need to know that not everything they need now can be available at the moment! They need to know that they have to forego some pleasures and focus on education for a better life in future. 

#joyinsights

Teenage girls are still children even after pregnancies

 

Teenage Mothers are still children.

There is something that has been bothering me for sometime now. From the interaction with some of my girls ( when I say my girls I mean I mentor teenage girls), I have realized that there are some parents who reject their daughters after they become pregnant. Some parents force their daughters to get married to the man responsible for the pregnancy. Even in cases where the boy/man has rejected the pregnancy! Even in cases where the girl has realized she messed up and does not want to get married but to give birth and go back to school or start college. 

I have had an encounter with like 3 cases where parents forces the girl to go and get married. In the parents defense, they say that the girl is already 18 so an adult!, The girl will bring shame to the family since the parents are respected in society and in church! They have no ability to raise another child! They cannot take a defiant daughter to college! Seriously, are these even valid reasons to reject a daughter who have opened up to you? 

When I get to ask a girl how she became pregnant, or how their friends are ending up pregnant, most of the answers I get show that most girls are clueless about sexuality. They believe what their friends tell them. Others the only thing they know about sex is the biology lessons on reproductive system. A certain teenager once told me that her friend told her that to reduce period pains, she must have sex. Very bad advice ( apparently she was having very painful periods. Luckily she had not yet followed the advice so I had to talk her out of it!). 

We all know teenagers are very active, defiant, they believe they know it all, they believe their parents are old fashioned! But let's not give up on them. They are just in a transitional stage which we all know it's difficult! ALL THEY NEED IS GUIDANCE AND MENTORSHIP to understand what is happening to them and how they need to be focused on their Education. If your parents forced you to get married at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 or 21 years please don't do it to your daughter because of a pregnancy! Let's break the cycle! They deserve to grow, go to college and secure a better future! Charity begins at home! When your daughter comes to you, don't send her away. Give her a hug. Even if she becomes a teenage mum, she is still a child who needs education and a chance to grow. 

Teenage mums are still children!

#joyinsights

Understanding Trauma

 TRAUMA

Trauma is an emotional response to a shocking event like robbery, rape, sudden sad news, attack, prolonged abuse, etc. 

Have you ever found yourself questioning your reaction after a traumatic event? It's normal for a person to start telling themselves; I would have done this, maybe things would have turn out differently. Please, there's no need of beating yourself up for how you react during a traumatic event. 

THE BRAIN during a traumatic event is disorganized and moves from Logical reasoning to trauma response. The body goes to survival mode and one cannot think straight. 

No one is immune to trauma. 

The only way to heal is to go through the gradual healing process. Preferably with professional social support

#matters mental health

#joyinsights