Children as Content Creators. Does it have to be Embarrassing?

 

One of the most embarrassing moments for most of us who grew in the 1980s and 1990s was when guests would visit and your parent decides to show them the family photo album. Some of the photos in there had maybe you crying, or maybe one of your fingers in the mouth, maybe you had oil on one side of the face or oversized clothes. 

These photos are being retrieved for guests to see and mind you you are already in campus. Then you hear your mother explaining. "This one here is Grace, she is the one who liked to cry when photos were being taken. " "This is Albert, he Never liked his hair combed". 

Now with the domination of social Media, it's not about the family photos. It is about the photos that the parents are posting on social media platforms that the kids will come to see in future. 

Well, with content creation being an income generating activity, some parents have found an avenue to put their kids out there to do content creation. This one is a very good thing especially for the parents who realize their kid is talented in a particular field like music, playing instruments, dancing, acrobats. Then the parents support the talent by putting the kid out there. 

This has turned out very well for some of the kids and the parents as those talents showcased online have made the kids get good scholarships, international travels, being linked with successful mentors in various fields they are talented in. And of course money from being brand ambassadors and you tube views. 

However, there's still another side of the coin. Some parents instead of using social media to showcase the talents of kids, they're posting their kids maybe when they're crying, throwing tantrums. Even going live when the child is frustrated about something. All in the name of content. I do not think when a child is at their lowest frustrated moment is the perfect content for online viewers. Especially with the internet never forgetting. Well, TO EACH THEIR OWN. 

I do not think a teenager whose embarrassing photos were posted online when they were toddlers and preschoolers would be so happy about it. No teenager likes to be embarrassed. 

Considering the generation we are raising óf children who have their own voice, am seeing a situation where parents will be sued for defamation. The Children arguing the parent had the role of protecting the child from shame. But instead used their right to make decisions as a parent to create content using the lowest moments of a child. 

Especially those posts made and the innocent child is trolled. How will this child feel later in life after reading all those mean comments. Just because their parent uploaded embarrassing photos and videos? 

Anyway, I have said to each their own. But I don't beleive a child's lowest moment is content creation. 

For parents showcasing your kids talents online. Keep going. You will one day see them in America Got Talent. They will make you go places. They will also go places and dine with kings. 

For those setting up their kids to be trolled online. I don't know what to say. But internet never forgets. Think about what that child will feel at 20 years when they come across such photos and videos. 

© Joyce Mwai

Author/ Coach/ Teenagers Mentor 

If You are Present and Unhealthy, You're Exposing Your Kids to Childhood Trauma.

 The saying "children need your presence more than your presents" is true but incomplete. It is not all about presence. It's about how healthy you are as a present parent.  

If you are a present parent. Make sure you are not setting your children up for childhood trauma. You might be a present parent but you are emotionally wounded to a point you are bleeding on your children. You carry a wagon of childhood trauma that you have never addressed and now you are involuntarily passing it to your children. You are present yes, but your presence in your kids life is doing more harm than good. 

So, in what ways would you as a parent be causing trauma in your kids? 

1. If you're constantly fighting with your spouse (their other parent) in the presence of the kids. Your marriage is all about yelling at each other, breaking things, violence, silent treatment. Just know the children are watching. You're damaging them. 

2. If you are a violent parent. You lack patience. Instead of teaching your children acceptable behavior. You prefer beating as a quick fix. Your parenting style is all about beating so that your kids can fear you and do what you want. 

3. you're always yelling at your children. Who told you if you don't shout they won't hear you? How does yelling make the children obedient? Mothers, must you yell every morning at your kids?? 

4. You're struggling with an addiction that is affecting your children's life. You are maybe an alcoholic who can engage in all manner of behavior when drunk. You use obscene words when drunk. Maybe you have a sexual addiction and your children have to see you bring different sexual partners in your home( for single parents). You're confusing the children and wounding them. 

5. If you keep comparing your children with others. Showing your children how they're failing in everything compared with their friends, or cousins or any other person. 

6. If all you do is give orders and you never listen to your children. How will children learn to be assertive if their opinion does not matter. Listen to your children. not because you want them to control you, but as a way of showing them their home is a safe space to talk. 

7. If you're trying to poison them to hate their other parent. Children don't know hate. They're taught. If a parent has wayward ways, let the children form that opinion by themselves. If you keep showing them how their other parent is bad, they will also start questioning your choices. They will lose trust and respect for you. (After all, you have shown them you made a wrong choice in choosing their other parent. Why should they even listen to you considering they see you as a poor judge of character?)

8. If you are parentifying your children. You have abandoned your responsibility as a parent and have made one of your children to be the parent to the rest of the kids (first borns are mostly the victims). You have also made your children to be your "therapists" so you dump all your frustrations on them. Children should not listen to your emotional struggles. That is emotional incest. Talk to other adults or professionals but not burdening your children with your emotional baggage. It is wounding them. 

It's not all about presence. It's being present and healthy. Such that you don't bleed trauma on your innocent children. 

© Joyce Mwai

Author/Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor 

The Earlier Your Child Understands Romantic Love, Relationships, and Marriage, the Better.

Talking about love, relationships and marriage is something that parents might want to know how to approach while dealing with their curious children. Especially the kindergartners.  

Your child might come and tell you they have a boy/girl friend. Or maybe they have a  husband or wife in school. 

Well, their understanding of those terms is totally different from yours. However , you should not let them keep exploring the meaning on their own. You have to be there to teach them about love and relationships. A child who is above 3 years can understand love. Considering you constantly keep telling them you love them. They might also start saying it back. Your child can say , "I love you mummy, I love you daddy". The elephant in the room is however talking about romantic love that leads people to relationships like marriage.

So, how do you teach children about Romantic Love and relationships? 

1. First ask them what they know about boyfriend/girlfriend or marriage. This would give you an idea of how much they might have heard out there or in school. The ideal is that children learn about relationships from parents and not peers. So be proactive.

2. Explain to them what it means to love someone. Tell them when you love someone you deeply care about them, you take care of them and you're committed to keeping them safe. Let them know that loving someone is caring for them as much as you care for yourself. It also means that you are willing to sacrifice for them. 

3. Tell them the real meaning of having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Children use these terms without understanding the meaning. Explain to them when they grow older they might like someone of the opposite sex. They would deeply care about the person and want to spend time with them. If the person is willing to be their friend, they become boyfriend and girlfriend. 

4. Explain to them what marriage is and how it happens. They already know what love is, they already know what a girlfriend and boyfriend is. Now introduce marriage. Tell them marriage happens between two adults. Adults who start by feeling they deeply care about each other. They ask them out and they become boyfriend and girlfriend. Then that relationship might grow and they feel they cannot live without each other. They become fiancees. Then they decide to live together (marriage). The title changes to husband/wife. It is here that you can tell them that marriage can bring forth children. 

5. Use yourself as an example. Tell your child where you met your spouse (college, work, in a Matatu, in church, social media, dating apps and so on). Show them your wedding photos or video. Show them your photos when you were dating your spouse. That way , they will learn better about relationships and marriage. They will also know they happen between adults and not children. So they won't allow anyone to call them husband/wife. (This is also applicable to single parents. Talk about how you met their other parent, how much you loved each other until you had a baby. But explain to them sometimes adults can fall out of love. This is where you tell them you're single and you might find a boyfriend/girlfriend. This would lay a better ground for them if you ever fall in love again and get married again)

Remember , all this information you give based on age. How you explain to a 4 Year old is different from explaining to a 7 year old. However, they all deserve the right information. 

Never dismiss, freak out or get angry if your child comes to you that they have a boyfriend/girlfriend. It is actually the perfect starting point to educate them about relationships and marriage. 

All the best parents 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenagers Mentor/ Parenting Coach

Children don't Know Hate. They're Taught

 Did you know that HATE and resentment do not come naturally in children? Hate has to be taught. A child has to be taught how to hate a particular person, group of people or even a place. 

Have you ever observed the behavior of infants? They smile at everybody. They become toddlers and you will see a toddler playing with the passenger next to them in a Matatu. You will see a toddler smiling to people in church. Or even laughing with the cashier at the supermarket. Smiling to strangers in the streets. What does that tell you?  love is the emotion that Comes naturally to children. 

Even when someone wrongs a child, they develop fear towards them. Not hate. They fear people who hurt them. Because fear as a defense mechanism to danger comes naturally. 

So, how then do we find that children have started hating people? You will see a child with deep resentment of a neighbor's child. Someone must have taught them to hate that family. 

Think about those cousins you don't talk to. Cousins whom you never interacted with growing up as you were told never to talk to that family by your parents. You have no idea why your parents don't get along with their siblings. So you were taught to hate them and bought the enmity. You resented them. For no reason. 

Now, when lovers break up and they have children. The one with the children decides one of their parenting responsibility is to teach their children how to hate their other parent. 

You describe your ex lover with the most unconventional words, you call him/her a deadbeat, a dog, you say he was knocked by a lorry, dead. And you say all these to your child. You want to teach them how to hate. 

Just because you're giving them food and paying their school fees alone. Like who else should be doing it?? Did the child ask you to give birth to them? Did the child ask you to fall in love with the wrong person? Now after you realize your mistake, You're alone with the children, you want to teach them how to hate the absent parent. A person they have never seen. And if they had been raised by the parent for some years before you broke up, they loved that parent. Then one day because the parent left and abandoned their responsibility you try to teach them how to hate him/her. 

That's not your responsibility. Let children figure it out by themselves. How hard is it to tell your children you have no idea where their mom/dad is but he might show up for them one day? And even if he never shows up for them, they should be assured of your 100 percent love and care. You will have reduced feelings of rejection and at the same time you have not taught them how to hate. Hate is a vice. It's better to teach them hope rather than hate. 

As you tell your kids never to talk to their other parent. Never to look for him/her. Know that you're teaching them hate. You're the one who was in love and broke up, not the children. Why do you want them to buy your enemy? And by the way, how do you keep a person you cuddled naked and exchanged fluids as an enemy?? You really need to invest in healing or even professional help to move on. Because some level of resentment can take you to an early grave. 

In countries where there's racism , racist parents teach their children to hate people based on their skin color. But if the child is not taught how to hate, they won't even see color. They will just see a friend whose complexion is different. 

Think deeply when you're teaching your children how to hate their other parent. Just because he/she does not provide. Think when you're teaching children how to hate some relatives. Just because you fought for family land. Think deeply as you teach your children how to hate a particular tribe. Just because of political affiliations. 

If someone hurt you and abandoned their responsibility, heal and move on. Provide with a cheerful spirit. And don't recruit children to hate the person. 

Think deeply parents. 

Children don't know how to hate. They're taught. 

© JOYCE MWAI

Writer/Teenagers Mentor/Parenting Coach

How we are Incubating Decadence with Vulgar music

 

"Niko na pesa na ni ya babako. Kaskie vibaya uko kwenu" ..... "Sisi ni walevi, tunapenda kulewa".

 These are the kind of jams that rule the public transport industry when students are traveling to or from school. Some Matatus have even upgraded they have screens that showcase those jams. The students are entertained by some nyash endowed ladies who vixen those jams naked. 

During this short school holiday, I have been forced to listen to these jams as teens were around and they would blast their houses when parents leave. That's how I have been able to know about these vulgar jams that are very appealing to our teens. 

I somehow decided to really internalize the messages of these vulgar popular jams. I have realized there's nothing like talent in them. 

Just a person with audacity to be vulgar getting to a studio. Then a multimedia university graduate adds some beats and Voila , we call someone an artist. The vulgar fellow masquerading as an artist gains more popularity when they use the best cameras that show the shiny nyash of the vixens. Slimy nyash that looks like they can slide a blind fly trying to pass by. 

As a literature scholar. There's a lot that makes up works of art. Which i really don't find in some of these jams we have glorified as a society. 

I have also realized that the vulgar jams kill any slight opportunity for real talent to trend. A talented musician with a heavenly voice will release a song. We won't even like leave alone subscribing to their channel. 

Wait until a vulgar jam is out. 2 million views in 24 hours. 

I have watched America got talent and Britain got talent and have witnessed real talent. Artists with great voices that move the audience to tears. Without using some ear blasting beats. Just voice and well composed music genres. 

No wonder so many African talented youngsters wish to find their Way to the likes of America's got talent. Their talent can be appreciated there. But not here. Here, we glorify unconventional and vulgar language. 

Then entertain our teens with these vulgar jams that teach them very unconventional lessons. When we glorify a song that glorifies promiscuity, what are we telling these teens?? 

That all girls need to do is to pass through school not to care about education because someone's father will sponsor their lifestyle. That our boys should grow up to be wababas. That girls should only Focus on growing nyash because it will make them trend. 

I have nothing against these content creators who create vulgar music. It's a capitalist economy. They have studied the market and have realized vulgar music will give them views. Then they will earn. Big brands will hire them to market their products. What would make such a creator not to keep creating vulgar music?? It's paying. Because us the target audience will consume immediately. 

It's a business and everyone is free to make money the best way they know how. It's a Free market economy. We own the means of production. And learning the market trends is what makes a business person successful. 

My concern is about children as usual. Five year olds have the audacity to tell parents sipangwingwi because a jam has taught them that. you will see a five year old coming from a schools fun day and the music that was being played in that school was "sisi ni walevi" seriously? Even pre schools?? 

So as parents, there's a saying that goes , by beholding you become changed. Your child is sorounded by these vulgar productions. In the apartments, public transport, school fun days. Even in supermarkets , amusement parks. Literally everywhere. Don't you think these jams will change your child?? 

How are we guiding children who have already memorized they are "walevi" . How do you teach them about drug abuse?? How do you teach them about relationships when they have memorized "wako sawa na wababa mtu akaskie vibaya nahuko" 

Parents are you really taking time to discuss with your kids about these vulgar productions?? Because they will continue being produced. There's nothing we can do as a society. The artists are paying tax with these productions. So the parent has all the responsibility to guide their children. 

Before you get excited as a parent that your kid can dance to a popular jam, think about the message they have internalized. Then guide them accordingly. 

Otherwise , our children and teens will continue surprising us. 

Think about it parents. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenagers Mentor/ Parenting Coach

If you expose your Child to Adverse Childhood Experiences, You're Messing up their Adulthood

 

When I used to teach (years ago),  there's this poem I loved to teach with during poetry lessons. "Crack the Glass" by El-Miskery. 

Students could easily figure out the message of the poem. The poem talks about how the human heart is as delicate as glass, once it is broken, the crack will always remain. 

The poet goes ahead to say that although the heart can be fixed ( a person forgiving you or getting past the hurt) , it is too hard to make a person you broke their heart forget the hurt. If the wound is touched, the person will start bleeding again. This means that the person you hurt will only need a slight trigger to get back to being hurt. 

I however want to deviate and use this poem to describe our children's emotional and mental development. (In literature we say there is no right or wrong analysis of a work of art. One just needs to illustrate their interpretation with evidence from the text )

Just as the way glass is delicate, the same way our children are delicate. What we put in their heart is what remains for the rest of their development up to adulthood. 

This means that we have to protect the delicate nature of our children by not wounding them. 

We can protect our children from developing permanent wounds by protecting them from abuse . Are you beating, yelling, comparing, neglecting provision of basic needs , neglecting to offer emotional availability to your child?? You're wounding your child. The wound will remain. 

Are you letting your child observe you engaging in domestic violence. Do your children have to rescue you as a mother Everytime your husband is beating you? You're wounding the child. And the wound will remain. 

Are you allowing your child to be the parent. Neglecting your duty and making your child handle all your emotions? You're wounding your child. And the wound will always remain. 

Exposing children to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) is wounding thém. Wounds that they will have to take to adulthood. 

Once they're adults, they will just need to bé triggered, and Their wound will start bleeding. Even on people who never wounded them. 

You see a man angry with his wife, because he was wounded in childhood, he is triggered and beats the hell out of the wife. 

A mother gets angry with her children. because she was wounded in childhood by the parents, she yells and beats the hell out of her children. She is triggered so she starts bleeding on her children. 

Most of the adults we have today are wounded. They just need a trigger to start bleeding. Why?? Because of a messed up childhood. 

As the poem says , although the heart can be fixed, triggers will always overpower a person. 

An adult has to put in alot of work to mend the wounds inflicted in childhood. It is alot of intentional inner work. To heal all the childhood traumas. 

To prevent our children from having to heal wounds in future, how about we don't inflict wounds on them now. Because they will definitely take the wounds to adulthood. 

Children are delicate, as the human heart, as the Glass. If you wound them, you're messing up their adult hood. 

Parents , how about we don't crack the Glass? 

How about we don't crack the delicate and innocent nature of our children?

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

Fear & Good behavior (Demystifying the difference)

When I was in highschool, there was a teacher that I could not dare get late to school when he was on duty ( I was always on time but those who were in day schools know that some circumstances can make you late Once in a while). 

When you were  late, the teacher would close the gate and make you go back home. Imagine going back home and the following day you have to explain why you were absent to the other teachers. So this teacher would make people to almost break their legs rushing to school so as not to be sent back home. Even the habitual late comers would be on time.

 However, when it was other teachers' duties, you would see a group of students late for they could handle the punishments given (sweeping, cleaning). 

When I reflect on it now, I realize that we students feared the teacher as well as the punishment he would give. However, he was not able to change the students behavior of coming to school late permanently. They would only obey the rules temporarily for the fear of punishment. When he is not in charge, they would go back to their habitual lateness .

His type of punishment only instilled fear and not behavior change. If there was behavior change, there would be no late comers all the other weeks when that Teacher was not on duty. 

Many are the times when parents focus on making children fear them or fear punishments. So you hear a parent bragging, "My child can't dare do this because he knows what I will do to him" 

You will hear a father bragging that his children are well behaved when he is around. But when he is away, and the mother is around, they still misbehave. What does this tell you? They fear the father but they are not in any way well behaved. 

You will see a mother threatening a child to do something or report them to the father. The child does since his father beats him military style. So all the child does is to fear the father but not to learn good behavior. 

Using harsh punishment to instill fear in a child does not help a child learn good behavior. Children learn acceptable behavior through instruction but not through punishment. 

Punishment should only be used after a series of instructions but not a way of instilling fear. Punishment should be given after a child understands why a particular behavior is wrong but still chooses to engage in the bad behavior over and over again. 

Learning through fear is the worst method of teaching good behavior and values to children. Fear will override the opportunity to understand why something is considered right or wrong.

When a child fears you or your punishment, they will only do what you want when you are around. When you're not there, they will engage in the same bad behavior you punish them for. 

So, are your children well behaved or they just fear you??

If they fear you, you should be worried. 

To change bad behavior in children or teens, 

EXPLAIN the bad behavior ➡️ provide an ALTERNATIVE GOOD BEHAVIOR to replace the bad behavior ➡️ PUNISH bad behavior when repeated / REWARD good behavior. Eventually, the child will learn the good behavior not because they fear punishment but because they know it's the right thing to do (plus there is a reward for it)

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage mentor