Fear & Good behavior (Demystifying the difference)

When I was in highschool, there was a teacher that I could not dare get late to school when he was on duty ( I was always on time but those who were in day schools know that some circumstances can make you late Once in a while). 

When you were  late, the teacher would close the gate and make you go back home. Imagine going back home and the following day you have to explain why you were absent to the other teachers. So this teacher would make people to almost break their legs rushing to school so as not to be sent back home. Even the habitual late comers would be on time.

 However, when it was other teachers' duties, you would see a group of students late for they could handle the punishments given (sweeping, cleaning). 

When I reflect on it now, I realize that we students feared the teacher as well as the punishment he would give. However, he was not able to change the students behavior of coming to school late permanently. They would only obey the rules temporarily for the fear of punishment. When he is not in charge, they would go back to their habitual lateness .

His type of punishment only instilled fear and not behavior change. If there was behavior change, there would be no late comers all the other weeks when that Teacher was not on duty. 

Many are the times when parents focus on making children fear them or fear punishments. So you hear a parent bragging, "My child can't dare do this because he knows what I will do to him" 

You will hear a father bragging that his children are well behaved when he is around. But when he is away, and the mother is around, they still misbehave. What does this tell you? They fear the father but they are not in any way well behaved. 

You will see a mother threatening a child to do something or report them to the father. The child does since his father beats him military style. So all the child does is to fear the father but not to learn good behavior. 

Using harsh punishment to instill fear in a child does not help a child learn good behavior. Children learn acceptable behavior through instruction but not through punishment. 

Punishment should only be used after a series of instructions but not a way of instilling fear. Punishment should be given after a child understands why a particular behavior is wrong but still chooses to engage in the bad behavior over and over again. 

Learning through fear is the worst method of teaching good behavior and values to children. Fear will override the opportunity to understand why something is considered right or wrong.

When a child fears you or your punishment, they will only do what you want when you are around. When you're not there, they will engage in the same bad behavior you punish them for. 

So, are your children well behaved or they just fear you??

If they fear you, you should be worried. 

To change bad behavior in children or teens, 

EXPLAIN the bad behavior ➡️ provide an ALTERNATIVE GOOD BEHAVIOR to replace the bad behavior ➡️ PUNISH bad behavior when repeated / REWARD good behavior. Eventually, the child will learn the good behavior not because they fear punishment but because they know it's the right thing to do (plus there is a reward for it)

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage mentor 

TEACHING TEENS ABSTINENCE

When I was growing up, all the teachers would tell us was that "boys are stinging nettle"😂 If you let them touch you as a girl, they will sting you😂 Those who grew in the 80s and 90s know that parents were not talking about sex with their children. It would be seen as shameful or a taboo. This meant that no one would closely guide teenagers on controlling their sexual desires. 

Growing up, I have not seen men being stinging nettle as those teachers would warn us. Infact, the organ that made them tell us that is one of the organs that make women's butt lips clap in excitement. Anyway, that kind of sexual education was vague as it portrayed a gender in a bad light instead of teaching us that teenage sex is not advisable. 

Sex should not be portrayed to teenagers as a bad act, shameful or a taboo. It should be introduced as the beautiful act as it is. However, the teenagers need to know it is only beautiful when it is done at the right age with the right person. So sex education for teenagers should be about abstinence and self control. 

So, how do you teach teenagers abstinence?? 

♦️Teach them how to say NO without feeling guilty. Tell them they don't have to do what their peers tell them to. It is okay to turn down a peer who wants them engage in irresponsible sex and they should not be sorry about it. 

♦️ Teach them how to direct their minds elsewhere. When they feel that urge for sex, they should engage on other activities like sports, hobbies, excercise, reading, puzzles (mostly teenagers contemplate sex when idle)

♦️Teach them how to choose friends. Let them Learn how to keep off peers who are encouraging them to have irresponsible sex. Most teenagers engage in sex due to peer pressure.

♦️Make sure they avoid improper entertainment. Let teenagers keep off watching films where sex is portrayed as okay for teenagers. There's alot of sexual content in media. Mind what films your teenagers watch. 

♦️Let them know sex in early teenage years would lead to regrets when they're older. Research studies show that most teenagers who engaged in irresponsible sex while 15 or 16 regret by the time they're in their late 20s or 30 when they understand themselves better. 

♦️ Let them be aware of the consequences of Teenage sex... Pregnancies, STIs, negative outcomes in academics. 

Let's raise a more aware generation. There's no shame in talking about Sex. 

Parents, what challenges are you facing talking about Sex with your teenagers?? 

@ Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenager Mentor/ Parenting Coach

SEX EDUCATION FOR TEENS

As children transition from childhood to adulthood, they have to go through the adolescent stage. It is at this stage that we see physical changes in them. Did you know as they develop physically they also develop sexually at this stage? Sexual hormones naturally start to be produced which control their sexual arousal and desires. 

Boys start producing testosterone while girls have estrogen that control sexual arousal and desires. It is here that the teens start developing sexual feelings towards peers of the opposite sex. They start getting aroused. 

You see the way you're aroused as an adult and desire sex with a person, for teenagers, it is worse as they are in puberty. These children can get super aroused and might not know how to handle that stage. It is here that talking about sex by the parent with their teenager becomes necessary. 

It might feel weird and uncomfortable to talk about sex with your 12 or 13 year old, But you have to do it. So, how can you talk about sex with your teenager as a parent? 

1. Take every chance possible to talk about sex. For instance, if you see a TV commercial about sex, take that opportunity and talk about it. 

2. Let the teen lead the conversation. Ask them what they already know about sex. They might have heard alot which some might be misconceptions. Take this Chance to clear any misinformation and offer them the truth.

3. Get comfortable with the topic. Assure them that there is no need to get embarrassed when talking about sex. Assure them that you  Will always be there to answer their questions. 

4. Be honest when you do not know an answer to a question about sex. You can tell them you can look up for answers together. (However, it is important you gather all your facts First)

5. Make the topic to be about values. You're giving them information so as they can uphold the right values around sex like self control, abstinence, respect.... If you don't give them the right values. They will get information from other sources like internet pornography. 

6. Do not give lectures. Explain every questions they have. Let it be interactive. 

7. Introduce sex as a healthy and beautiful part of human beings. If you paint sex as an evil thing or bad to them, they will definitely experiment as they will get curious. Introduce sex as a beautiful act that should be enjoyed but not by children. After all, they're products of sex. 

So parents to teenagers. Have you started the sex talk? How are you doing it? What challenges are you facing?? 

©Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor

IMPORTANCE OF PLAY FOR CHILDREN

 

For some parents, holidays are beneficial as their children get to help them in house chores. For others, it's a rollercoaster as all their young children can do is play and eat all day. For other parents, they feel that their children need to be buried in books to keep their academic performance at its best. 

So I have seen parents hire tutors for their children who are as young as 5 and 6 years during holidays for almost half day. This means that the child is on a strict schedule like in school even during holidays. Do you know what is the purpose of holidays? For children's Brain to have a break from extensive academic engagement. What is a class 2 child doing with books for a whole morning for the rest of a holiday? Children should be allowed to play during holidays. It does not mean they should not have some moments with school books, but play is as important for the child as the academic performance you want for your child. 

So what kind of play should children have during holidays? It is freely chosen unstructured play. 

What is freely chosen unstructured play?

 It is a child playing without guidance of an adult but out of their own imagination, instincts and interests. 

WHY FREELY CHOSEN PLAY IS IMPORTANT FOR CHILDREN DEVELOPMENT?

1. Improves the physical health. When children are playing while running, jumping, skipping ropes, riding, they develop balance, stamina, coordination and physical fitness. 

2. Children learn social skills through play. Play allows children to interact with their neighbors whom they play together and learn to coexist. They learn how to express themselves, how to express feelings, how to work out emotions and how to handle defeat and failure.

3. Children learn problem solving skills. When a child chooses a challenging play, they use their cognition extensively to solve the challenge. 

4. Improves creativity and innovation. Children can only be creative when they choose their games and how to play them. 

5. Play reduces stress and boredom. When a child is only allowed to stay in the house for a whole day for the rest of their school holiday, they get bored and stressed. Children need a change of environment and some freedom to explore to reduce chances of stress that might lead to anxiety. 

6. They learn how to make meaningful relationships. Children playing with others freely can create lasting relationships with those they have the same interests with. 

7. Play prevents screen and social media addiction. When you lock your child in the house the whole day since you don't want them to play outside, you're exposing them to screen addiction. They will watch those cartoons the whole day and get addicted. Screen time has a whole lot of negative outcomes for children development. It should be avoided for whatever reason. 

So, for paranoid parents who say their children can't play with others in the neighborhood, you're just raising isolated zombies. 

Parents who buy all toys in the market so that your child plays in your  house the whole day, you're just denying that child freely unstructured play. 

Parents whose children are in front of a screen watching cocomelon and cartoons the whole day, you're denying them a very important part of growth. 

Parents hiring tutors for young children during the holidays for like half a day. That's academic torture. You will make the children hate school for nothing. Those advanced in age like the candidates can have the tutoring as they have limited time. 

Let children play. It will come a time they will be teenagers and they will not even be willing to get out of their bedroom. So for young children, let them structure their own play freely. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Author/ Teenagers Mentor