Characteristics of a Dysfunctional family

To end Dysfunctional family patterns and raise your children to be a healthy generation, you need to first identify whether you're a product of a dysfunctional family. So what are the characteristics of a dysfunctional family? 

1. Ineffective communication and triangulation.

 Communication is a problem in a dysfunctional family. You'll find there are some members who don't talk to each other at all. Others yell alot as they cannot listen to one another. In other families, parents communicate in triangulation ( A parent communicates to the other parent through the children). You'll see a mother saying " Go tell your father there is no money for food or we sleep hungry" 

2. There are power struggles. 

A dysfunctional family has that one sibling that wants to control the whole family. Especially if the sibling is well financially. Those who feel controlled may react by withdrawing from the family while others might become violent towards the controlling sibling. The parents cannot balance power as they are enjoying the goodies that the controlling child provides. Where there are power struggles, Hatred rules. 

3. Comparisons. 

This is mostly done by the parents who compare their children. A parent keeps on telling a child, "why can't you be more like your brother?" It's an unhealthy pattern. 

4. Excessive criticism

Siblings thrive in criticizing one another. Parents also criticize those children who are not well financially. (You will bring a new date to your family members and they will criticize you for dating an ugly person, very old, poor, short, tall) and all such kind of negative criticism. 

5. Members badmouth and gossip among themselves. 

You will see sibling A and B while they're together, they are badmouthing sibling C. Then when they are not together, B will tell C how A was talking ill about C and a conflict erupts. 

6. Unpredictable patterns. 

This is for example where children grow up not knowing when their father will come home and throw their mother out. Children don't know when their mother might leave next. You're scared of going home because you're not sure whether you will find your mother has wounded your father again.....  Children grow up in trauma caused by uncertainties. 

7. Parental alienation. 

Dysfunctional families have parents who alienate children from one of their parents. A mother will try so hard to turn her children against the father and vice versa. A mother will move out of her home, leave the husband and force one of her child in the city to take her in. Then abandon the Mzee back in the village. The family ends up with Team Dad and Team Mum. 

8. There's always an intervention for a particular child. 

You will find families who keep making one child the blacksheep. They're always holding meetings to intervene on when they should get married, who should host them as family members believe he can't do it on his own. If he should go to rehab.....etc. they never let this "blacksheep" be or exist in their own skin. They feel they're better than him/her. 

9. Family gatherings end up in fights. 

Do you end up fighting with a sibling Everytime you meet during gatherings? Are your family gatherings characterized by cases about who said this or the other? You're in a dysfunctional family. 

10. There is parentification. 

Dysfunctional families have firstborns being made deputy parents. Parents will educate the First born then force them to take care of the rest of the siblings. One child will be made to pay school fees for all the other children. One child will be made to host their younger siblings to feed and pay their school fees. Parentified children end up drained financially and emotionally as they cannot take care of themselves as they have been made deputy parents. 

Do you come from a family that has any or all of These characteristics?? You're in a Dysfunctional family. It's time you start considering ending the dysfunctionality and raise a healthy generation. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage mentor/ Parenting Coach 

Ladies, This is why you should never sleep with your Boss.

 

Young ladies, Even if it is an emergency, NEVER SLEEP WITH YOUR BOSS. 

You might be excited with that internship position you just secured. You're excited that you have landed your first job after college. Don't let your excitement make you think that you should sleep with that your boss or immediate supervisor that seems like he likes you. 

This is the worst decision that you can make about your life. Actually, it is the start of your career path retardation instead of growth. 

Why shouldn't you even think of sleeping with your boss? Let me tell you, your co workers will definitely know. All y'all at the workplace are hired for your expertise. Don't think that the bunch of intellects at the workplace won't know you're banging the boss. Actually, your co workers will tell even when you are not getting along with that boss you have been sleeping with! How awkward??

We know he has promised you a promotion. He has also promised you a salary increase. But do you know you're just delusional?? Your boss sees you as dumb. You already agreed to sleep with him despite the many other females at the workplace declining his advances. So you have already lost your credibility at the workplace and you're not the person that will come to mind when a promotion is on the table. That boss you're exchanging fluids with will go and promote that lady who has for a long time been declining his advances. He can see work ethics in that lady who turned him down and not you! 

Sleeping with your boss or superior at work will just end in premium tears. I have seen girls in their early 20s crying their life has been ruined by their boss. You will make a mistake or something illegal at the workplace happens and your boss will not even defend you. He will not hesitate to take you to court and testify against you. He will even make sure you are jailed especially if you try to threaten him that you will expose him. 

By the Way, what makes you think that you can expose your boss to have been sleeping with you and think he will let you go through with it. He will see to it your life is destroyed. He will lie and his power and money will protect him. He will shame you and even claim that you tried to seduce him. 

Again, even if you don't make any mistake at the workplace, wait until he is tired with you. Wait until a new intern comes to the workplace! You will face the worst disgrace of your life. Until you will even opt to quit that job!! 

You can sleep with all the people you want, but kindly keep off someone who has power over you. Someone who holds your salary. Someone who determines whether to fire you or not. Someone who can wake up one day and render you jobless. 

Just keep off! Not in a country where most employees are ignorant of corporate law. Not in a country where employers will get away with sexual harassment. (In western countries, most of the time the law does not care whether the sex was consensual. They only consider that the boss used his power to ask for sexual favors). 

Young girls getting employed in small businesses like boutiques and Mpesa. Stop sleeping with your boss. How can he pay you Ten thousand and still get a taste of your cookie??? You should be thinking of how to manage that 10 thousand you're being paid in this hard economy but not meeting him in hotel rooms after work. Wait until his wife comes and fires you!!! Who will pay that your bedsitter rent?

Young girls getting in the employment world, keep off sleeping with your bosses!! Infact, don't even reply to messages like "You look hot today". Don't say Thank you!! Blue tick him!! He has no Business with your hotness, his business is to pay you! 

Parents tell your girls graduating college to keep off their bosses. I have seen girls in early 20s cry. All in the name of sleeping with their bosses. It will end in tears!! Massive tears! 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Teenage Mentor/ Trainer

How to teach kids time management

Let's go! 

Hurry up! 

What's taking you so long?,  

Do you know what time it is?

Do these phrases sound familiar to you? Do you find yourself as a parent sometimes wondering whether you're raising kids who have no concept of time?? Sometimes you find yourself yelling almost every morning before school. 

Well, you can help your kids normalize managing their time. How do you help kids acquire time management skills?? 

1. Educate them on the importance of managing time. 

Right from a young age, let your kids know that time never stops. If they fail to do something they needed to do at a particular time, they will never recover that time. When they understand the need of being time conscious, they will be intrinsically motivated to do everything on time. 

2. Establish a routine and let them take part it making it. 

Schools run smoothly with hundreds of students and few teachers since there is a routine. Why then should it be hard to establish a routine with your 1 or 2 kids?? The child's brain responds well to routine. Involve them in making a schedule on time for homework, sleeping, waking up, preparing and going to school. This allows them to feel in control but still under your terms as a parent. 

3. Schedule free time and do not overtask their every minute. 

We all value free time. Children need it too. If they have free time, they will not find it hard to adhere to time that they have to do serious tasks like preparing for school. 

4. Do not nag, bribe, or Force when they're not being time conscious. 

Nagging makes a child defiant. If you bribe your child to do homework on time, you're reducing intrinsic motivation. Don't give rewards when your child finishes homework on time! It is their responsibility to do homework! The motivation should come from within the child! If they're not motivated to do homework, you can educate them on the importance of doing their homework. Again, if you force the child, they will think it's your responsibility to make them do it. However, it should always be Their responsibility. 

5. Allow your child to face natural consequences. 

Most of the times parents wonder what if the child fails to do homework, what should they do?? If you have already educated them on the importance of homework, allocated time for homework, and yet they don't do it, allow them face natural consequences. 

Let them go to school and explain to Their teacher why they didn't do the homework. Tell them failure to do homework might result to not retaining the information and they will not perform well in their exam. It's better they fail in an exam while in grade 3, than when they're in college. 

6. Do not panic on their behalf. 

If your child fails to do homework, don't panic. Let the child panic for their failure. Don't panic that they will miss the school bus (especially children above 7 years) 

Ask yourself, when you're late for work and you find your boss, is it the boss that panics or it's you?? Let children learn responsibility early. This will reduce these kinds of generation Z who don't care about their mistakes at work (They will come late, unkempt, drunk with zero chills.) Why? Someone was panicking on their behalf when they were young. It was the parent who was always worried that the child will be late for school or will be punished for not doing homework. 

Let children own up their responsibility. Let them have control over time management. But under your terms. It will reduce you having to push them around. 

© Joyce Mwai

Writer/ Parenting Coach/ Teenage mentor