Natural consequences Vs Punishment

When I was in lower primary, I would not be asked to do farmwork like digging. So when my elder siblings would go to the farm, I would follow them just to disturb them. I would even step on the areas they had worked on which made them so angry. So there was this habit that I had been warned over and over again by my parents not to do. I was told never to sit or stand in front of someone digging. I should always stay behind. I would be told staying at the front of a digging person might make them hurt me accidentally. 

So there was this day I was on the farm with my sister. I guess She was in class 6 then and I was in class 3. She was working on a small portion with a fork jembe. As usual I went to stay in front of her. She kept telling me to get out of her way or I might get hurt. I wouldn't listen... I kept staying on her way while digging dancing around that the fork jembe can't reach me. I don't know how it happened but the unexpected happened. 

As I was jumping up and down her digging way, I accidentally got hacked by the fork jembe slightly on my foot. I saw blood and I cried my heart out at the top of my voice. I started hopping home crying so that I can report my sister hoping that she would be punished. Reaching home, I reported my sister to my parents. They could see evidence as I was in pain and blood coming out of the small hole that had been created by the fork. 

To my surprise, I was asked:. Haven't you been warned over and over again not to stand on the way of a digging person? Now this is the consequence of your behavior. I was just given some First aid...(salt then the wound covered with a piece of cloth). My sister was not even punished. I was told she did nothing wrong 😭 I was the one on the wrong 😭😭

Using this analogy, my behavior brought a natural consequence. 

A Natural consequence is a result of a behavior choice by a child that is not imposed by the parent or any other adult. Instead of a parent punishing a child for a bad behavior, the child suffers the consequence of their behavior. 

All choices have consequences. Children need to learn that. However, when we are quick to punish, we deny the children a chance to learn about the consequences of their actions. You tell a child not to jump up and down on a risky place they might fall. They don't listen. They do it behind your back and fall and hurt themselves. Next time, they would not repeat the same as they suffered a natural consequence. 

Sometimes is necessary to let children face consequences for their actions. However, this method should be used with exceptions. Do not wait for natural consequences to teach a child good behavior if 

1. The child is in danger ( don't let children burn or cut themselves trying to teach them consequences of fire or sharp objects). 

2. If it can lead to damage of objects. (Don't allow children to break things around the house) 

3. If other people are in danger (do not allow a child to throw stones or use sharp objects on other people so that they can learn that using sharp objects is risky). 

If no one is in danger, let children face consequences for their actions. It will teach them better than punishment.

Again , instead of capitalizing on punishment, capitalize on educating them on all the consequences of their behavior. 

Let them know all the consequences of their behavior whether good or bad. This will make them careful and teach them autonomous decision making. They will do the right thing without being punished for they know the consequence of all their actions.

#joyinsights 

#intentionalparenting

Punishment should fit the bad behavior

When I was in nursery school. ( I guess this is one of the memories that got registered in my long term memory such that I can remember It as an adult), I had this privilege of eating more than three meals in a day. I am the last born. Guess that was a lastborn privilege. So after lunch, some food would be spared for me to eat at around 4 or 5 pm. This was not a privilege my older siblings got to enjoy. 

One afternoon,my father was working on something in the farm with the help of my elder sister. I was just there just doing nothing. So I told them I feel hungry so they should give me my food. My father sent my sister to go, open the kitchen and give me food that had been left for me. I followed her.

Getting to the kitchen, just before she could open the door, I started crying. Crying at the top of my voice so that my father could hear. I guess I just wanted to get his attention. Then I told my sister not to dare touch my food because she wants to eat it. I told her I wanted to be served by my brother. (I had this favorite brother growing up who would even chew food for me when I was younger 😆). Here I am threatening my sister (she is only 3 years older than me, the second last) not to touch my food. 

May father came and asked what was happening... I was there shouting saying I want my brother to serve me and not my sister. That brother was not around at the moment. I said I will not eat the food at all if am not served by my brother. 

Wueh... My father got angry. He told my sister to put the food back and lock the kitchen. Then my father said since that day, there will be nothing like 4pm food.... I will be waiting for the night meal like everyone else. He said "nîkûnana aranana" ( I was getting spoiled). And he left. I guess that rule held water for a short time.😆 by the time I was in class one I was able to look for food in all corners of the house 🤣. Again, I never dared refuse food because of whoever was serving me even if it was not my mother or favorite brother. I wouldn't risk to be told I will eat one meal a day🤣🤣🤣

When I think about this punishment now, I see there is a close relationship with my mistake. I had become entitled to a point of seeing food is nothing. My father did not beat me. But enforced a related consequence for my bad behavior.  It worked. 

As parents, how many times do we beat up children for their mistakes while there is a direct consequence for their bad behavior? Your child fails an exam, you beat them, they fail to do homework, you beat them, they pour food on the floor, you beat them! Where is the relationship between these mistakes and beating them? 

The brain of children cannot connect the relationship between mistakes and physical pain. That is why spanking makes them defiant and very resistant. Because they cannot establish beating as a consequence of a mistake like pouring food. If a child pours food and messes the house, why don't you tell them to clean it up by themselves? That's a direct consequence to their mistake. 

Kids get disciplined when they can make a relationship between what you're teaching them and the punishment you give when they fail to follow. 

Punishment should fit the bad behavior. 

#joyinsights 

#intentionalparenting

What happens when you take parenting as a sacrifice

The sole role of a parent is to take care of their children. However, some parents think that they are sacrificing or doing their children a favor by taking care of them. So what happens when a parent feels that they're doing their children a favor?? 

1. The parent is always bitter. Children do not always do the right thing. They are imperfect just like us. There is no child who does no wrong from January to December. So if you feel like you're doing your children a favor, you'll always be bitter when they do wrong. They fail in exams... you're bitter since you feel school fees is a sacrifice. 

2. You're more likely to parentify them. Children might take up the role of the parents when the parent fails to do all the roles they are supposed to play. The child will end up being a parent to themselves or their siblings since the parent fails to fulfill some obligations. 

3. The children are more likely to grow up to become people pleasers. When children grow up trying to please their parents who always tell them they're sacrificing alot for them, they believe that they have to please people to be loved. They might therefore neglect themselves as adults and take care of other people's needs. 

4. The child will be more likely to neglect their goals to give back "black tax" to their parents. Parents are supposed to support their children until they stand on their own and excel in their careers. Parents should also strive to leave some inheritance to their children ( A wise man leaves inheritance to their children). However, parents who keep on telling the children they sacrificed for them expect the child to give back to the parent at the expense of their career growth. The parent will expect the grown child to keep sending money as an obligation whether the child has or not. Just because the parent says they sacrificed a good life so that they can take their children to school. (Children giving their parents should be out of heart but not out of obligation). We have seen people who have neglected themselves to educate their siblings and take care of their parents because apparently the parent did them a favor taking them to school. 

5. The child will grow up to be an unhealthy parent too. Dysfunctionality is passed from one generation to the next. So if you tell your children you're doing them a favor by raising them , they're more likely to do the same as parents unless they heal the childhood wounds you caused them. 

Children never ask to be born. We just decide to enjoy coitus and forget its the baby making process. So, before you enjoy some three minutes of heavy breathing, think about your capability of raising a child that might come. 

Embrace parenting with joy the same way you enjoyed coitus. 

You ain't doing your children any favor by raising them. 

#joyinsights 

#LetsEndChildAbuse 

#letsraiseahealthygeneration