The saying "children need your presence more than your presents" is true but incomplete. It is not all about presence. It's about how healthy you are as a present parent.
If you are a present parent. Make sure you are not setting your children up for childhood trauma. You might be a present parent but you are emotionally wounded to a point you are bleeding on your children. You carry a wagon of childhood trauma that you have never addressed and now you are involuntarily passing it to your children. You are present yes, but your presence in your kids life is doing more harm than good.
So, in what ways would you as a parent be causing trauma in your kids?
1. If you're constantly fighting with your spouse (their other parent) in the presence of the kids. Your marriage is all about yelling at each other, breaking things, violence, silent treatment. Just know the children are watching. You're damaging them.
2. If you are a violent parent. You lack patience. Instead of teaching your children acceptable behavior. You prefer beating as a quick fix. Your parenting style is all about beating so that your kids can fear you and do what you want.
3. you're always yelling at your children. Who told you if you don't shout they won't hear you? How does yelling make the children obedient? Mothers, must you yell every morning at your kids??
4. You're struggling with an addiction that is affecting your children's life. You are maybe an alcoholic who can engage in all manner of behavior when drunk. You use obscene words when drunk. Maybe you have a sexual addiction and your children have to see you bring different sexual partners in your home( for single parents). You're confusing the children and wounding them.
5. If you keep comparing your children with others. Showing your children how they're failing in everything compared with their friends, or cousins or any other person.
6. If all you do is give orders and you never listen to your children. How will children learn to be assertive if their opinion does not matter. Listen to your children. not because you want them to control you, but as a way of showing them their home is a safe space to talk.
7. If you're trying to poison them to hate their other parent. Children don't know hate. They're taught. If a parent has wayward ways, let the children form that opinion by themselves. If you keep showing them how their other parent is bad, they will also start questioning your choices. They will lose trust and respect for you. (After all, you have shown them you made a wrong choice in choosing their other parent. Why should they even listen to you considering they see you as a poor judge of character?)
8. If you are parentifying your children. You have abandoned your responsibility as a parent and have made one of your children to be the parent to the rest of the kids (first borns are mostly the victims). You have also made your children to be your "therapists" so you dump all your frustrations on them. Children should not listen to your emotional struggles. That is emotional incest. Talk to other adults or professionals but not burdening your children with your emotional baggage. It is wounding them.
It's not all about presence. It's being present and healthy. Such that you don't bleed trauma on your innocent children.
© Joyce Mwai
Author/Parenting Coach/ Teenagers Mentor
